When My Implacable Anger Collides With The Sweetest Intern

When I called yesterday to reschedule, the secretary told me that today I was lucky to get the most popular intern at the school.

Yay! My mind raced. What mysterious Oriental delights awaited me?

I speculated aloud to my friend. I could hardly sleep last night. Not till after 3 a.m.

Then I arrive today and I’m kept waiting for 30 minutes.

I grow angry. How dare she? I’m Luke Ford. I have the awesome burden of moral leadership on my shoulders.

Don’t go. I need your healing. Please please don’t go. Don’t you hear me baby?

I peer into the office and check out the interns. Must be the most beautiful one. I can’t wait for her to poke me.

Why does she keep me waiting?

Must move my car. Don’t want to get a ticket.

I come back. Here she is. Whoa. Total Plain Jane. How is she the most popular intern? By what scale?

She apologizes. She was helping someone with great pain.

Hmm, she’s sweet.

Her room smells great.

I leap on the bed.

She smiles at my enthusiasm.

It’s fun to stay at the YMCA. You can get yourself clean. You can have a good meal. You can do anything you want.

No man does it all by himself. I’ll put my pride on the shelf.

She’s read my chart.

It’s fun to stay at the YMCA.

She praises my main intern.

I say he gives me energy. After his treatments, I feel great. I race around.

She speculates that it is his gentleness that heals me. I should be gentle with myself.

His gentleness? Ain’t no man gonna be gentle with me. No way.

Gentle with myself? That’s against the Torah.

I’m the poster child for heterosexuality. How many women do I have to have before everyone is convinced of my straightness? Just give me the number and I’ll get to work.

Put my pride of the shelf…

We are family. I’ve got all my sisters with me.

This woman has amazing intuition. I want to tell her about my every pain. But we only have an hour. I’ll just trace the outlines.

She says I can lie down.

I hope the Chinese doctor comes in. She’s the sweetest. I hope she take my pulse and has me stick out my tongue and looks in my eyes. She’s so caring. She spent ten minutes with me two weeks ago, but only two minutes last week. And I’d made a special Friday appointment just so I could see her.

No doctor for Levi this week.

Oh well, I understand why my intern is the most popular.

My anger is gone.

I barely feel it when she sticks the needles in.

I love the needles in my head. They pierce and release my anxieties.

I’m going into a deep fog.

Hello? What’s this? Aromatherapy. Whoa.

I really am straight but I’m liking this.

I get to sniff the two flavors, one is citrus and one is for depression.

I want both.

I get it spread on my face and wrists and stomach.

Yay!

Kiss me, I’m fragrant!

Oh man, what’s that Chinese Vicksy stuff she’s rubbing on my elbow? What an exquisite release! I feel my pain going away. Rub, rub, rub.

"If by some miracle your elbow feels better," she whispers, "be gentle with yourself."

Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.

From my live cam chat:

palestine4ever:  You can’t reference the Village People and heterosexuality at the same time.
palestine4ever:  Worlds are colliding!
YourMoralLeader:  Ever had aromatherapy?
palestine4ever:  No, I have an aunt who dabbled in that shizzit before becoming a born-again Muslim (I’m not kidding)
palestine4ever:  She fell in love with a swarthy Bosnian
YourMoralLeader:  Who hasn’t?
palestine4ever:  Like George Carlin said, they’re not quite black, but on the swarthier end of the racial spectrum.
palestine4ever:  I had no idea Leah was… well… that messed up
palestine4ever:  Alcohol, violence, Judaism!
palestine4ever:  The fact that she has violent alcoholic rampages kinda puts that one to sleep for good.
palestine4ever:  You always, always, always remember your first crazy girl.
palestine4ever:  I mean the girl who calls you in hysterical tears because she broke her iPod.
palestine4ever:  I mean the girl who you kick in the morning because she camped out outside your front door.
palestine4ever:  Women who practice that new age s**t always have the most incredibly f**ked up lives.
palestine4ever:  My aunt seriously wanted to read my aura charts and all of this crazy s**t.
palestine4ever:  Meanwhile, her eldest daughter is pregnant with her second kid at 19
palestine4ever:  Maybe being in touch with the Earth Mother really isn’t all its cracked up to be.
palestine4ever:  Like "Yankee Jane" on VNN, I firmly believe the madness of Judaism has driven poor, innocent Leah off the deep end.
palestine4ever:  She was such a sweet girl.
palestine4ever:  It’s not illegal for me to fetishize the photos of her 17 year old self, is it?
YourMoralLeader:  no
palestine4ever:  k thx
Emma:  lol
YourMoralLeader:  how was your job interview emma?
YourMoralLeader:  did the boss let his hand rest a lil too long on your knee?
Emma:  The manager called me today. He had a meeting, so aranged the interview for tomorrow instead.
Emma:  What an imagination you have Luke.
palestine4ever:  Luke, I was going to write you a long travellogue of my adventures walking drunk through the city last weekend.
palestine4ever:  Are you familiar with the term "mudshark"?
palestine4ever:  I have to admit that I was shocked by the number of interracial couples.
palestine4ever:  This isn’t good for the Jews.
palestine4ever:  First they’ll come for the Reform Jewettes, and Luke won’t care, because he’s not Reform.
palestine4ever:  The next thing you know you’ll have caramel colored nephews in teffilin.
palestine4ever:  The horrors of miscegenation leave Luke to consult Torah for solace.
palestine4ever:  I read something interesting the other day
palestine4ever:  Some guy developed a search engine that crawls the web for specific topics, like, say, hair loss
palestine4ever:  It compiles it into book form and he sells it "print-on-demand" on amazon
palestine4ever:  He’s supposedly got like 50,000 books, most of which sell less than 10 copies
palestine4ever:  but do the math and you can see the mad genius of it
palestine4ever:  Let me see if I can find it
palestine4ever:  nevermind, can’t find it now
palestine4ever:  a few people had commented in reviews something like "this looks like it was put together by a computer"
palestine4ever:  but by and large, they’re mostly on specialized topics, like science and medical
palestine4ever:  AHAH, I FOUND IT
palestine4ever:  http://news.cnet.com/He-wrote-200%2C000-books-but-computers-did-some-of-the-work/2100-1025_3-6237305.html
palestine4ever:  Everyone is making a big deal about Obama possibly being the first black president.
palestine4ever:  I find it more remarkable that John McCain may be the first president with a combover.
palestine4ever:  Have we progressed so little as a civilization that we’d elect a man with a seagull swoosh of hair covering his bald head?

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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