* We discuss my Saturday night interview with Heshy Fried.
* I ask Rabbs how he likes my braids.
Rabbs: “You really want my opinion? I think you look retarded. You look stupid. And you should lose it.”
Luke: “I got some Reiki this afternoon and it helped to open up my shakras.”
Rabbs: “Let me tell you about beards.”
He touches my beard braids. “This is not a Jewish zach (custom). Let me tell you about long beards. If I didn’t know you and I was to walk by you on Pico and you were to look like that, I would take you as either meshugah, you hadn’t showered in a week, you’re probably psycho, you’re going to ask me for money, and I’m going to try to stay away from you.”
Luke: “Those are probably all pretty accurate.”
Rabbs: “It’s probably straggly and stinky. You might be violent. You might be some psycho. I think you should lose it.”
“I think Jews look best with beards that are properly trimmed. There’s nothing in the Torah that says you can’t look good, especially if you are trying to get a shidduch.”
I put on my sunglasses.
Rabbs: “Now you really look retarded. You’ve got to roll that s— up.
“Let me tell you about beards. I haven’t said anything but now it’s an issue tonight. I don’t think straggly long unkempt beards look good. If you’re married and your wife’s OK with it, then do whatever you want but you’re not in that position right now. You want a woman. I’d say it doesn’t match. A long beard that is not kept, it doesn’t match the clothing you’re wearing.
“The only group where unmarried guys go with beards like that is Lubavitch. You’re not Lubavitch. There’s nothing else about you that is Lubavitch. So it’s inconsistent.”
Luke: “I wear Rabbenu Tam tefillin.
“No, I don’t.”
Rabbs: “Do you pray to the Rebbe?”
Luke: “I love all Jews.”
Rabbs: “Your attire doesn’t go with your derech (direction). It doesn’t go with anything. So it just looks like a guy who doesn’t shave. It’s your own shtick. If you want to bring home the ladies, you probably want to cut that stuff. And if you’re not going to cut it, roll it up. So it looks neat. It’s consistent. You won’t look scraggly and unkept and you won’t give a bad impression about yourself and you’ll be more likely to bring home the babes.”
Luke: “I had a babe over this afternoon and she gave me Reiki and did up my beard gangsta style.”
Rabbs: “If you want to come across as doing the Jewy thing, you’ve got to cut your hair. You could pass as a Rastafarian before you could pass as a frum yid.”