I’m sick and when I’m sick I tend to write more honestly than normal. Less bravado and more heart.
Not a day goes by without my longing to return to the shuls I used to haunt. Particularly I want to go to Daf Yomi (a page of Talmud a day) and attend lectures. I love to learn.
So why did I get kicked out of Beth Jacob and Young Israel of Century City and Aish HaTorah? Because I was writing on the porn industry and it creeped people out. Also, because of my behavior more than a decade ago (I chased chicks aggressively).
So is my behavior today completely congruent with my stated wish to return to the fold? No. I’d say about one in five of my blog posts would creep out the average member of YICC/Beth Jacob.
I want to return to the fold but I also want to be a free on my website (and elsewhere, but let’s not get into that right now).
I want to get married and have kids. I want to form close bonds with people I respect but I also want to be free to blog my heart out. I yearn for intimacy and when I get it, I sometimes want to retreat from it. I fear that if I returned to the fold, my freedom to write would be considerably constricted.
So I live on the edge. On the margins, I make choices to move towards Orthodoxy by not allowing myself to do things I want to do and other times I choose to do things that take me away from that goal.
It’s like a relationship with a woman. Is it just for fun? Do you split when things are no longer fun? Are you just friends or are you exploring a permanent commitment?
Since I quit writing on porn last October, I’ve started to form more bonds with Orthodox Jews. They’re bringing me into their lives and giving me a chance and giving me work.
I’m on the right path.