This week’s Torah portion is Haazinu (the end of Deuteronomy).
* You shall laugh at Christianity, and compare believing in Jesus to believing in Spiderman, but at the same time, you shall understand that the Lord, G-d, King of the Universe is clothed in a body of a man, and that man’s name is Dennis Prager.
* You shall condemn liberals and state that Prager is correct for labeling the liberal agenda as a form of idol worship, but at the same time, you shall insist on smearing Torah-observant Jews with derogatory liberal terminology such as “Orthodox”
* You shall take great pride in the fact that you became a Jew by having an “Orthodox” conversion, and even though one of its conditions is to separate from non-Orthodox philosophies, nevertheless, you shall continue to quote Prager’s every word as if it were holy, even though the man has publicly stated that he [belongs to a] Reform [temple].
* You shall rant at great length about how all frum Jews must act holy, but at the same time, when it comes to your own Torah studies, you shall have no problem learning and quoting from books written by outright heretics.
* Upon discovering that Jacob Milgrom didn’t write a commentary on Deuteronomy, leaving you without your favorite source for Torah Talks, you shall actually consider quoting from the King James Version of the Christian Bible, not that anyone would notice the change, because it too uses Goyishe terms such as “Israelites”, “sacrifices”, and “Priests”.
* You shall invite Rabbi Rabbs to join you for Torah Talks, not because the famous comedian is popular, or that he will add humor to your web site, or even because he will bring his following of hot young chicks your way, but rather, you do so only because you want to poke your finger in the eyes of all of the shuls that banned you years earlier, and you do so by having a hardcore frummy rabbi attack them every week.
* You shall publicly repudiate anyone that calls Modern Orthodox rabbis derogatory names such as “cow, moron, and idiot”, even after they apologize for doing so, but at the same time, you shall have no problem that two of your own friends in the chat room publicly trash Rabbi Rabbs each week in some of the worst ways imaginable, insult his intelligence and question his knowledge, and they never apologize for doing so.
* You shall irrationally allow childish hecklers in the chat room to continually destroy the rising popularity of your live broadcasts, and at the same time, you shall wonder why others suggest you are self-destructive, why you have underachieved in your career, and why women are not overwhelming you with offers to be the father of their children.
* You shall take a hard line and judge every Jew strictly for their imperfections, condemn those that dare to showcase their indiscretions, and act disgusted when seeing frum-looking Jews commit sins in public, but at the same time, you shall have no problem acting inappropriately by filming yourself touching and fondling younger women and then publishing that disturbing footage on the Internet.
* Even though you claim that your porn days are behind you, nevertheless, you shall invite attractive women to do nighttime interviews in the same room in which you sleep, so that after the broadcasts you can go to bed while their scent is still lingering in the air, making it much easier for you to jerk off while thinking about them.