This week’s Torah portion is Deuteronomy.
Luke: “You were recently on a spiritual journey to India?”
Joey: “My wife and I had just agreed to get divorced. One guy said to me, ‘India? You just got divorced. You should go to Brazil.’ He probably had a point.
“It was avodah zora (idol worship) non-stop. I started with a group of Catholics in India and did some of the worst avodah zora. I went to a Catholic compound in the jungle outside Mumbai. I spent a week there, some of the worst avodah zora a young Jew has done.
“I didn’t get the wafer because I didn’t deserve it. I attended mass. I did kinda a confession.”
Luke: “That must’ve taken a long time.”
Joey: “I had a lot to get off my chest.
“Also, the songs. The songs were begging Jesus to bathe us in his blood. I’d never seen this kind of hardcore… I was begging strangers. You get on your knees and you beg strangers for forgiveness.
“I did 24 days of silent meditation.”
Luke: “I can see you’ve totally changed.”
Joey: “Probably the wrong time to do it. I spent the whole time thinking evil thoughts of my ex-wife, which she didn’t deserve.
“I went to a mountain where they worship fire. If you want to worship idols, India is as good as it gets.”
For health reasons, Joey has a Diet 7-Up, cherry-flavored with antioxidants.
Joey: “The Catholics in India were philo-semitic. I remember listening to one of the preachers talk about his visit to Israel, how the people were wonderful and the Arabs were rotten.”
Luke: “It’s always great to be alone when you are miserable.”
“Here, open your drink. Let me hold your Torah so it doesn’t get covered with cherry-flavored Diet 7Up with antioxidants.”
Joey: “I’ve traveled a lot in my life. I don’t think traveling really changes you.”