I chat this afternoon with an ex-girlfriend from more than 15 years ago.
She met me (I answered a singles ad her mom placed for her on a Messianic dating service) when I was really sick and she lifted my spirits. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship with a woman more than 11 years my senior. This woman was nine years older than me. She had three kids. Three divorces. She was a pile of fun.
I was living rent-free (in exchange for doing chores) at the time across the street from my shul. My woman would often do my chores for me so I could concentrate on writing up my autobiography.
As we chat, I Facebook friend her two married daughters (in their twenties) with little notes that I dated their mom.
Ex: “I have healing abilities. My son said his ear drum exploded. I put my hand on his ear and he said, ‘My ear popped. I can hear.'”
“Any women in your life?”
Luke: “I was dating someone but it’s over.”
Ex: “You’re impossible. You’re Peter Pan. Where’s Wendy? Luke’s waiting for Wendy to read him a bedtime story.”
Luke: “I’ve still got the Chronic Fatigue.”
Ex: “Oh, you do? You were better when you were with me. Not at the beginning but you started to get better.”
Luke: “I’m two-thirds of normal.”
Ex: “I think going to California [in 1994] was a godsend for you.”
“My ex was a screenwriter. You guys are very similar. He’s also Jewish.”
My ex is not Jewish. I met her on a Messianic dating site. There weren’t many Jews around at that time, and so I was looking everywhere for a girlfriend.
So I brought her to shul with me and she really got into it and started the conversion process. Then I left town and she let it go.
Ex: “After you left, when I went to synagogue, it was awful. I remember sitting there by myself trying to be the good spiritual person like, ‘He isn’t the only reason why I was here,’ but ‘He was the only reason I was here’. The songs made me cry when not all of them were said. It was really hard.
“I had to make a completely different life switch in order to you know, which I did. I jumped into work again. I met a guy that year. We were together until last Thanksgiving.”
Luke: “I was in New York in 1994. A few months after I left Orlando. I met this rich girl answering a singles ad she’d placed for a friend. She spent Memorial Day weekend with me in LA. Then she paid for me to fly to New York and stay with her on the Upper West Side for three weeks. She even gave me spending money.
“Her name was Debbie. I remember that because she gave me a prayer book (siddur) I still use. She inscribed it in Hebrew and English: ‘Wishing you peace of mind and joy to your heart. Love always, Debbie”
“While I was there, I placed singles ads to meet other women. Debbie was very bossy and it became obvious to me in on my first day in town that we didn’t have a future.”
Ex: “Mr. Gigolo. I hope you got some nice clothes out of it.”
When I was with my ex, she said to me one day, “I’d have to win the lottery to keep you with me.”
Ex: “You should have had me there with you picking the s— out.”
“Is that bridge still smoking?”
“I love your brother. Remember being in the canoe with him and singing those songs? That was so fun. From a girl’s point of view, come on, it doesn’t get any better than that. That picture of us used to be on the internet.”
“I saw you on television. On 60 Minutes. I turned to my husband and said, ‘That was the guy I was with before you, whatever asshole.’
“You had a suit on. I said, ‘Oh God, if I was there, he’d have a better tie on’.”
Luke: “That tie was from an ex-girlfriend [who used to date Rabbi David Wolpe].”
Ex: “Of course it was. I knew that. Even the underwear probably.”
“I saw you at the beginning of the Steve Martin movie Mixed Nuts. You were an extra sitting outside at a table.”
Luke: “I haven’t seen that. I did a bunch of movies as an extra [in 1994] but never spotted myself.”
“Did you ever do a modeling layout for Sandals beach resort? I picked out a bridal magazine looking for dresses for my wedding. Lo and behold is your ass lying on a beach on your honeymoon at the Sandals resort at the same time I’m planning my beach wedding. I know it was you.”
“Are you still following Dennis Prager?”
Ex: “I love love love him.”
Luke: “Remember when we went to meet him?”
Ex: “Yep. Remember the guy we met? He and I became very good friends. The good looking one, the married guy, not the other guy. I went out with him once. He was married but bitching about it. I met him at a bar on the beach.
“The whole thing was like a second flavor of ice cream from you. You were pistachio and he was mint-chocolate chip. It still kept you alive in there. We all met each other together.”
Luke: “We had a great weekend together.”
Ex: “I felt like I was keeping that going.”
Luke: “Are you still a tiger?”
Ex: “It’s been a while. I think so. You’ve got to have the right partner. It’s been months. So I’m celibate. Is that what you call it? I don’t think about it too much because I’m not stimulated.”
Luke: “Do you remember when we’d hook up in the back of your stationwagon? And the police came back when we were in the synagogue parking lot?”
Ex: “I forgot about that.”
Luke: “And we were lucky because the policeman was someone I’d opened the synagogue door for a few days prior.”
Ex: “Ohmygod, I had buried that one in my subconscious. We were completely naked.”
Luke: “We were when the police drove up. We were in the deed. We were rushing to put our clothes on.”
Ex: “I remember the wash machine.”
Luke: “I put you on top of the washing machine. I’m wearing my tefillin.”
Ex: “That’s because your roommate wouldn’t let us do it in the house. So we had to go out to the shed with the washing machine.”
Luke: “Those were some good vibrations.”
“I have to get back to work. I’m doing some writing.”
Ex: “I hope you’re inspired. That’s what I want to be.”
Luke: “A muse.”
Ex: “That’s what I’m good for.”
“It’s so good hearing your voice.”
Luke: “Take care. Goodbye.”
Ex: “I’m going to say it anyways. I love you.”
Luke: “I love you too.”
Ex: “Because I do love you, OK?”