Orthodoxy has made for the majority of my social life since I moved to Los Angeles in 1994.
I compare notes with a friend who says:
Yes I’d say that percentage too, although due to the vast amount of social time I spend in engaging in religious fare, I think Its safe to say that I spend 80 percent of my social time with the frumies (Orthodox)…. And I’m not really sure if I’m too happy about that!
I mean, I love these folk, I do, but truth be told, lately I feel like I am limited in the expression of who I am around most of them. I sort of practice a very controlled, very specific version of myself…
Until four short years ago I’d say that 50% of my social circle were non-Jews and the other half were completely secular like I was. I believe we all have so many sides to ourselves and taking on the identity of I am Frum just seems so… in a box. Albeit a nice moral and disciplined box…but nevertheless…a finite, definite box! How we should think, how we should talk, act etc is so strictly defined in the Frum community and of which I learned so deeply and so fast had all eyes in the community on my every move, leaving very little margin, if any for error.
Come to think of it I was pretty brainwashed and becoming a bit one note…and my family were kind of freaking out. My family are real progressive thinkers, very intellectual and very successful. They’re all doctors, lawyers,architects, entepreneurs and all big contributers to Israel and society.
When I first threw myself so totally into this very exclusive world of Orthodoxy in my efforts to belong and feel respected I all but forgot who I was and where I come from. I was made to feel less than…only because I was not from a 10 generation family of Kabbalists and Chasids. And since I so dearly admired these people who for me personified the ultimate goal in the human experience I was ready to denounce everything else that I once admired and derived great pleasure from, like great art and literature,music and of course theatre and my own career in the performing arts. I had one guy come over to put up more Mezuzot at my place and he suggested that I remove all my books (thousands) and pictures on the wall and other paraphernalia that wasn’t of Jewish origin and then I took a moment to consider the craziness…and I think that was a very defining moment in my journey.
Then, shortly before I was gonna bid goodbye to my bachelorettehood, I had a conversation with my dad, and I was telling him how I still felt not entirely embraced by my husband to be’s family.
It was then that I finally realized it hit me like a ton of bricks…that I am enough! I am more than enough and I have a great deal to offer without needing to fit into a certain mold that other people fit into to be someone. I already was Someone.
