1. “Division of Labor”
Yeah, Adam Smith says dividing labor increases productivity. Which explains why I’m broke—my labor’s been divided so many times there’s nothing left but me handing out resumes and emotional damage.
2. “Invisible Hand”
Adam Smith’s invisible hand is real. It reached into my pocket, took my dignity, and left me with a Subway punch card and a dream.
3. “Self-Interest”
Smith says self-interest drives the market. My self-interest once drove me to date an heiress for three weeks of NYC deli food. It also drove me straight into a therapist’s notes under “emotional parasite.”
4. “Capital Accumulation”
Capital accumulation? Buddy, I’ve been accumulating bounced checks and unopened credit card offers. I’m a wealth magnet—just for debt collectors.
5. “Merchants and Manufacturers”
Smith warned us about merchants colluding to keep prices high. Meanwhile I’m colluding with DoorDash drivers to sneak me expired sushi for half off.
6. “Moral Sentiments Crossover”
Smith also wrote about sympathy and morality. That’s nice. I sympathize with my landlord every month when I explain why Western Civilization needs me more than he needs a rent check.
7. “National Wealth”
Smith wanted to grow national wealth. I can’t even grow my crypto portfolio. I’m still holding the Dogecoin I bought at the top like it’s a patriotic duty.
