Bartleby the Scrivener has thoughts on Trump vs Big Law

Grok: Setting: A dimly lit, paper-strewn office in modern-day London, 2025. Bartleby the Scrivener, inexplicably transported to the present, sits at a cluttered desk, quill in hand, surrounded by laptops and empty coffee cups. Bertie Wooster bursts in, waving his phone, with Jeeves trailing calmly behind. The topic: Trump’s war on Big Law, as seen on X.
Bertie: I say, Bartleby, old bean, you’ve got to hear this! That Trump chap’s gone and declared war on Big Law—taxes, regulations, the works! It’s all over X. Can’t get a decent lawyer for love nor money soon, mark my words. What’s your take, you being a scrivener and all?
Bartleby: Pauses, adjusting his spectacles, voice monotone. I would prefer not to opine on such matters.
Bertie: Prefer not to? Dash it, Bartleby, you can’t just sit there like a human paperweight! This is serious! If Trump mucks up Big Law, I’ll be defenseless against Aunt Agatha’s next plot to shackle me to some ghastly heiress. You’re a legal sort—give us the lowdown!
Jeeves: If I may, sir, Mr. Bartleby’s reticence is well-documented. However, the former President’s campaign against large law firms, as articulated on X, appears aimed at curbing their perceived excesses—exorbitant fees and influence. The proposed measures, though vague, have sparked debate about access to justice versus market disruption.
Bartleby: Shuffling papers, unmoved. I would prefer not to engage with such disruptions. My concern is copying, not commentary.
Bertie: Copying? Hang copying, man! The world’s gone topsy-turvy! Trump’s out there swinging at law firms like they’re piñatas, and you’re fussing over parchment? What if I need a lawyer to fend off a lawsuit? Last month, Tuppy Glossop got sued for tweeting that his neighbor’s dog looked like a poorly shaved badger. Needed Big Law to bail him out!
Bartleby: Flatly. I would prefer not to involve myself in canine-related litigation.
Jeeves: A prudent stance, sir. To clarify, Mr. Trump’s rhetoric, as observed on X, suggests a desire to favor smaller firms and reduce costs for clients. Critics, however, warn of unintended consequences—diminished expertise for complex cases, such as Mr. Glossop’s unfortunate tweet. I have identified several local solicitors unaffected by these transatlantic policies, should the need arise.
Bertie: Jolly good, Jeeves, but I’m still in a flap. Bartleby, you must have some thoughts. You’ve seen law offices, all that scribbling and sealing wax. Isn’t Big Law the backbone of getting chaps out of scrapes? What’s Trump playing at, rattling their cage?
Bartleby: Staring at a blank screen. I would prefer not to speculate on motives. Law is a machine, and I am but a cog. Whether large or small, firms grind on. I copy what is set before me.
Bertie: A cog? You’re about as lively as a damp sponge, Bartleby! This is no time for coggery. If Big Law goes under, I’ll be stuck hiring some cut-rate lawyer who’d lose a case against a parking meter. Trump’s stirring up a hornet’s nest—says it’s for the little guy, but I’m the one who’ll suffer!
Jeeves: If I may, sir, Mr. Bartleby’s perspective, while reserved, underscores a certain stoicism. The legal profession, as he implies, endures despite external pressures. I assure you, sir, that I have preemptively secured contact with a reputable barrister, should your entanglements escalate.
Bartleby: Muttering, almost to himself. I would prefer not to witness such entanglements. Yet, if I must copy, let it be briefs, not tweets.
Bertie: Briefs, not tweets? Ha! That’s the spirit, Bartleby! You’re halfway to a quip there. But seriously, this Trump business has me rattled. War on Big Law, indeed! Next he’ll be taxing my club’s brandy. Jeeves, what’s the move? Can’t we just bribe a judge or something?
Jeeves: Bribery, sir, is neither advisable nor necessary. I propose a more temperate course: monitoring developments via X and ensuring your legal needs are met through prudent channels. Mr. Bartleby, might you be persuaded to assist with drafting a memorandum, should the occasion demand?
Bartleby: Sighing, quill poised. I would prefer not to. But if it must be done, I will copy. Slowly.
Bertie: Slowly’s better than nothing, I suppose. Right, Jeeves, let’s leave Bartleby to his quill and get me a stiff drink. All this talk of Trump and lawyers has my head spinning like a top. To the Drones Club—and here’s to Big Law surviving this bally onslaught!
Jeeves: Very good, sir. He steers Bertie toward the door, casting a sympathetic glance at Bartleby, who resumes staring into the void, unmoved by the chaos of 2025.