People with a strong sense of self are less afraid to love. They don’t need to know that they will be loved back equally.
I have a weak sense of self. I find out who I am through the reactions I get from others. I write to get reactions. I say things to get reactions. I do things to get reactions.
If you take two days to call me back, I want to take at least three days to return your call.
If you don’t seem excited to see me, I don’t want to seem excited to see you.
If I am sure you are committed to me and exclusive to me, then I can be committed to you. But if you are not devoted to me, I’m not going to be devoted to you. I’m going to wander. There are so many great girls out there who will snap me up.
I see monogamy as a commitment to you. I want to see monogamy as a commitment to myself.
It’s really hard for me to love you, to be vulnerable to you, unless I can be sure that I won’t be vulnerable. That you’ll love me up.
I’m trying to put together a good life. As the pieces snap into place, I get a feeling throughout myself that I am on the right path. I’m learning to self-validate.
So if I love you more than you love me, what do I do? I write (on my blog or in my journal). I go to yoga. I talk to friends. I do Alexander Technique and keep my poise. I go to therapy. I go to shul. I go for a walk. I lose myself in a book. I listen to music. I lie in the sun. I self-soothe. I’m not totally needy. I’m not quite living life on my own two feet, but maybe I’ve got one down and planted and the other is on its way.
I hope I’m not leaning too heavily on you.
Ten more years of therapy and I’ll be right mate.
