Mama JF Missing

Smiling Arab writes:

Luke, I am pleased to share with you one of the most shocking discoveries of the 21st century. I won’t fuck around with you here for I believe I have, at long last, identified the origins of Big Foot.

I am a bit of an outdoorsman, Luke. For many years I was troubled by an encounter with the beast known as Sasquatch – the mighty “Swamp Ape” of southern climes, or the terrible predator of chickens and small Mexican boys, “Chupacabra.”

Some years ago, I was with some friends on a hunting expedition in the woods, maybe a mile off from the nearest trail marker. This was bear country, and we were prepared both with our firearms and by taking precautions to tie our food into the branches of a nearby oak. Yet what throws off the scent of the grizzly seems to only arouse the sensations of Sasquatch, which broke into our camp shortly before midnight on the third day of the expedition.

We had heard some mild rustling. “Perhaps a rabbit,” my friend said. “Or perhaps a crazy bitch running from her family obligations!” another chided. But broken sticks and the rustling of a large-hoofed beast in the brush made me think something larger was afoot. And approaching.

Suddenly, there I was: eye to eye with the great beast, the mighty Sasquatch! It seemed remarkably human, with a large beak with nostrils flaring until they were the size of silver dollars. It had curly brown hair, but was so covered in dirt and foul-smelling mick that I was unable to discern its shape.

But what I remember most was its call. The sound of its bellow haunts me to this day.

“ALO WAA ES JA EFF” it cried. It was a peculiar roar, as if it had swallowed its tongue or a toy which would present a hazard to a small and simple-minded person. “JA EFF!” it screamed. “ALOG JAY EFF!”

Luke, as you know I am something of a “man’s man.” I have pleased women on many continents and have kept oil painting representations of some of them. But I tell you, face-to-face with this creature, I evacuated my bowels and bladder simultaneously. I screamed like a little girl at the horror, the unscientific abomination that stood before me.

Perhaps it was the sensation of hot urine and steaming feces running down my legs that forced me back to my senses. I unholstered my sidearm kept close by at all times against the threat of bears. The beast took another step and I fired. I fired again. Five bullets I emptied into this monster. The bullets seemed to do nothing. In silent horror with my companions I watched as Sasquatch pawed through our camp, fleeing with a bottle of brandy kept for medicinal purposes and a bag of scones. Also a slinkie, a child’s toy one of my companions brought for his own amusement, but which seemed to fascinate this savage’s child-like mind.

The evening haunted me. For years I have dedicated a share of my family’s considerable fortune and exhausted our extensive network of connections to researching the truth of these creatures that have preyed upon lone backpackers and wounded travelers for centuries.

Only now, listening to the extensive video testimony of noted scholar JF Gariepy (PhD, Bitchute) did the final piece fall into place: the origins of the Beast-Man haunting North America, the story of Big Foot! Sasquatch is not a missing link, a lone survivor, a shed skin from our genetic history. No, the monsters of the woods are just one of the MANY women who abandon their families and go out to live in the wilds by themselves with no money, source of communication or supplies beyond a “small stool for sitting next to fires.” The woods are now filled with these wild creatures who departed from civilized society. Perhaps the incoherent, babbling dinosaur rawr of the Sasquatch from my own encounter was even “Mama JF” herself, during one of her “earlier survivalist adventures.” A caring mother, sensitive artist, “high IQ housewife” who has “gone to Croatan” indeed!

Thank you Luke for inadvertently making this final connection for me. I close here with the words of our distant cousin: “ALOG WAA ES JA EFF” to you, to the brave fighters for Palestine and venceremos to all lovers of knowledge and students of the devolutionary phenotype worldwide.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
This entry was posted in JF Gariepy. Bookmark the permalink.