My Life Used To Have More Drama

We can only relate to people who at the same level of differentiation (emotional maturity) as ourselves.

More than a decade ago, a woman blogged (and this gives an indication of the confused state of my life and psyche back then):

* so here we are… I pull up to the Starbucks’ …of course I’m running my usual 10minute behind schedule “fashionably late”. Shows your busy, there’s always the traffic excuse and it tests people’s boundaries. Meeting Luke for the first time, I really didn’t give a rat’s ass if I were late or not. Remember…. this guy had been a thorn in my ass for years and rumor has it that he’s a total prick!

Fade in…..there he is reading….I’ve never seen anyone so “consumed” by a book…. beside him sat a “burlap or flour sack type” sachel or book “sling” of some sort…. quite the designer look I might add… how chic! (NOT) I laugh inside and say wow… what a piece of work. then he looks up and has this infectious smile that literally made my knees shake. Inside my head I went from arrogant bitch in discipline mode to “HOLY FUCK” he’s hot! I sat down. He was having tea.

He had been annoyed with me. I never told him but our mutual friend “a nameless shrink” had told me that he had confused the dates and showed up there on the wrong day. He then tried to reach me by phone only to find my voicemail full… she said that he was “anxious to set me straight on punctuality and manners”…I laughed. Screw him I thought. Let him see what it feels like to be taught a lesson… because that was my goal to “teach him a lesson”.

He smiled again. He didn’t seem annoyed anymore. I giggle inside. I think damn he’s really cute. He starts to tell me about his upcoming 40th birthday on May 28th. I ask him what his plans were and he said, “none”.

“Oh my God!!! We MUST have a birthday celebration for you! You MUST allow me to throw you a party! It’ll be great!” I am suddenly trembling with excitement…… he laughs hysterically and then says…. wow… I really need to excuse myself to the “loooo” I say ok… I notice that he takes his book with him… I laugh hysterically. “Oh my God, that must be a damn good book!”

He gets to the “unisex bathroom” just as a hot blonde is entering…. will he notice? No, his nose was buried in this book. I laugh and I decide to observe him and wonder if he’ll notice that I’m mesmerized for reasons I don’t understand. As he goes to open the door…. he realizes it’s locked. He returns to the table he smiles again. I melt. I want to kiss him. I want to run away with him to a tropical island. Fiji, yeah Fiji is nice this time of year… no no no, Costa Rica….

He pulls out the chair and the screeching sound on the floor wakes me from my sexy daydream with Luke Ford as the male lead in the starring role. As he sits down he says… “since my back is turned, can you let me know when the bathroom is available again. I wanted to continue our conversation…” Luke says with this most delicious Australian accent. Charming, and he smells nice…his lips are just succulent…

I say, “Of course I’ll let you know”…. Then I remember his mouth moving and my mind drifts back to Fiji and we’re laughing in the sun …I feel myself completely aroused just by watching him talk… I have no recollection whatsoever what he was saying. He may have even been reading his book. I really don’t recall. I just remember having this insatiable desire to “possess him” immediately.

I notice in the background that the door is open. I say… “Now’s your chance tiger!”… He laughs again and as he turns, I notice that “he really needs a belt because his pants are falling off of his ass…. that’s what I’ll get him for his birthday… hmmm. I’m thinking he’s probably a 34 waist… I wonder what Prada has out this season… Barney’s ? Bloomingdales….??? I fade off again daydreaming of taking him shopping and sipping tea on fun afternoons playing “hookie” while everyone else has to work those dreadful 9-5 jobs…. Worker bees I call them.

He reaches for the handle and it’s locked again…. He turns… he has a puzzled look LOL……. I know that he REALLY REALLY REALLY needs to make a deposit in the loooooo…. he was starting to look quite “uncomfortable” and decided to stay put and I was to yell if he miss his next opportunity to “drain his lilly”.

I’m cracking up…. I start to get nervous because as I’m watching him I go from kissing him passionately on the beach in Fiji to seeing a little boy in a superman cape with clark kent glasses and a book needing to desperately go to the “potty”.

I immediately see, that Luke is a real piece of work. I don’t remember much of the rest of our conversation. I’m wondering why is my body tingling all over? I feel self conscious because instead of wearing my usual turtleneck to cover my hives when I get nervous I’m in something more transparent and revealing. I can feel myself being flushed and wondering if he has any idea how much he turns me on. I feel guilty. I don’t know why. I just remember kind of floating through a wine tasting on my third blind date of the day…. I was off in another world… I had entered the mysterious world of Luke Ford… and sadly for my date that night, he was invisible to me. I desperately want to get home to my bed, my warm and inviting bed. I have the most peaceful sleep and I wake in the middle of the night with the most earth shaking orgasms I can remember having… well at least in the past year that I’ve been celibate. 🙂 I laugh. I giggle. I look at the clock. It’s now 5 a.m. I know that the sun will come up soon. This strange man named Luke Ford has given me the most luscious treat tonight and has no idea that he’s been able to unleash such passion in the subconscious mind. Is this all just a dream? Logically I know that I shouldn’t have these lustful thoughts about a stranger I barely know… but I am intoxicated by all that is Luke Ford. Enticed, intrigued, captivated, enchanted, I am blinded, mesmerized and entranced by the “Linger of Luke”.

* Luke Ford of gives this advice to all women:

“I keep giving the same dating/love advice (not original) to adult women: “If he doesn’t ask you out, call, email, give gifts, flatter you, he’s just not that into you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

* The Ten Commandments for Courting Luke Ford of

Basia in Weehawken writes: “39 and still single. Just what does it take to land Luke? Like, do you have certain rules a woman must obey?”

Well Basia, as a matter of fact, I do, and they are not that different from the rules most men would articulate. To marry Luke you must date Luke, and to date Luke here are some of the rules that you must obey.

1. Thou shalt have no other man before me. This means that you don’t talk about past boyfriends in my presence. It means that you don’t post pictures of them on your websites or have them tacked onto your refrigerator. It means you don’t engage in any sort of physically or psychologically intimate activities or conversations with them, either.
2. Thou shalt place Luke at the center of your relationship universe.
3. Thou shalt not play telephone games with Luke. None of this “gee, I just called him yesterday, so I think I will wait to see how long before he calls me” crap. And when Luke calls you, you return the call as soon as you can, even if it means using a public pay phone with homeless dude cheese on the earpiece and TB germs on the mouthpiece. (But clean yourself afterwards.)
4. Thou shalt do nice things for Luke without being asked. If I am sick, I want you by my side feeding me good things to eat, reading to me, and consoling me even if I have not asked this of you. Remember, the role of Girl Friend is but a tryout for the role of my Dead Mommy.
5. Respect that Luke respects the Sabbath, and keeps it holy. I have certain rituals and special sabbath mitzvahs (commandments, rituals etc) that I follow. Respect them. In some instances, I may require your assistance. Offer it cheerfully.
6. Thou shalt not flirt with others. In public (especially) show no interest in other men.
7. Thou shalt not fry your brain on drugs nor pickel your mind on alcohol. Alcoholics stink, ditto smokers (of anything). Yech. You who would be with me should have nothing less than minty fresh breath.
8. Be clean. Bathe, when you are with me. Brush your teeth, floss them too, and use some mouthwash. Clean yourself head to toe and every place in between.
9. Dress attractively, but not sluttishly, unless it is for my private viewing pleasure.
10. Be prepared to accept me as I am, even when this means that I am not taking the initiative you would have me take. You must always be there for me, as I would be for you.

* I sat on the desk chair in Luke’s hovel as he makes a lemon tea with water from the bathroom sink (there is no kitchen). I watch him and wonder to myself how he feels inside right now. I feel empathy for him. I know that for a man, their finances are a major sore spot for them. Luke obviously is not rich. I feel this need to somehow let him know telepathically how much I adore him and that his lack of material possessions only make him more attractive to me?

Why do you ask?

It’s simple. I was ready to pack him up, put him in my purse and take him home… His lack of material possessions only made it easier and take less time 🙂

I had read on his website that many people ridicule him because of the way he lives in the “hovel”. As I read some of the postings they break my heart for him and make me feel protective. I realize as I watch him dipping the tea bag for me how genuine and kind and pure the energy is that radiates from his soul. I feel like I want to shout at all of those people at this moment who refer to him as evil. Looking at him now he appears to be an angel to me. I know that he’s talking to me and smiling as he dips the teabag.

I’m completely hypnotized by this man. Even though we are sitting in a room that brings memories of a jail cell to me and yet when he touches me I feel completely safe. He lights a candle, he hands me the tea. Then, in what I feel is a romantic gesture, he turns on Air Supply. I remember reading on his blog how much he loves them and how their lyrics translate his true feelings towards love and his search for a partner in life.

I have no idea what he’s saying…. I’m “Lost in Love and I don’t know much…” plays on the stereo and we both giggle….Again… magical… we laugh some more…. he reaches over and puts my tea on the desk.

I’m getting nervous all of the sudden like a little school girl and feel completely out of control. My hearts racing. I know I’m flushed but thank God this time I wore my trusty black turtleneck so he can’t see how flushed and turned on I am. Fuck, why am I so nervous??? I’m not exactly a virgin. As he puts down the tea cup he leans towards me with both his hands putting my hands in his. His eyes sparkle with boyish laughter. His lips are gently parted as he moves closer to me saying…………….”Ann*…..”

I smile and say….”yes Luke”………….

He says….. “Ann*…”

I say… “yes Luke”

and then I nervously with laughter say to him, “Hey Luke what is it? Did you want to fill out an application for the position of Husband Number Three?”

We both explode in laughter and yet we are still connected with our hands entwined in one another. I feel such a warmth from him and I am lost in love ….(bear with me folks…. I know this is high schoolish shit, but it was really really cool…… I mean when was the last time YOU listened to air supply and had a really great makeout session???) Try it….I highly recommend it. Honestly it was one of the greatest dating moments I’ve ever had in my life… and I’m the queen of dating… just ask my friends.

I feel like a schoolgirl being kissed for the first time like a little lovesick puppy…. “Puppy Love” we called it as children.

As the handsome prince in his hovel kisses me, with my eyes gently closed and running my hands through his hair , he somehow turns off the lights and we both giggle again. Luke is an amazing kisser. Trust me when you can orgasm from just kissing someone…. that’s a damn good kisser….I was feeling my body out of control and felt a mixture of both excitement and embarrassment.

We kissed for several minutes when he reached behind my shirt and unfastened my bra…….the pop snapped me a bit out of the kiss and I laughed again. I feel like I’m in high school with a crush on the guy who’s the poet and we’re sneaking out in the parents garage….It’s fun…. I started fantasizing about hanging out in the serial killer van. See I love this idea because when you drive a car like that, you know that people love you for YOU and not your money… when you drive Porsche’s, Mercedes, or other things that show your wealth, you have a tendency to attract gold diggers and parasites…. I don’t care much for either…. so I asked him to please promise to take me to the beach someday for a ride in the “Van”.

Luke, the handsome prince, does not have a bed. He sleeps on the floor.

And then I ask him what I refer to as the “Magic Question”.

“If you could have, do or be anything in the world right now with all your desires… what would it be?”

Luke answers: “My needs are simple Ann*, I want a wife that I love, a life that I love with God and the ability to share my writing with others by writing full time.”

“Wow” I thought. That was so beautifully put. I wondered if Luke realizes how rich he truly is to know exactly what he wants and how much I admire his strength in dealing with those who cause him discomfort.

I want to take care of him, put my arms around him and love him unconditionally. I wonder to myself if he’s ever had anyone love him unconditionally. Let me clarify…. This does not necessary mean “in love”. I think love is vital in all of our lives. I love many people in my life, friends, relatives, those that I work with etc. I can honestly say at this moment when I look at Luke, I feel “a love and adoration” for him completely.

As we reach a point in deciding whether or not we are going to be intimate, we both have “the discussion about how once you cross that line, how it changes the dynamics of the realtionship / friendship…………Thus the two of us have a decision to make….

I didn’t sleep after the hovel experience with Luke Ford. Whatever was on the floor of his hovel dug in to my back and made it excruciatingly painful the next day. I wondered to myself how on earth Luke sleeps at all being so uncomfortable.

Suddenly my handsome prince turned in to a frog. It was as if the kisses the night before and being exposed to his true self and his true reality woke me up from a dazed fog and fantasy of a Luke Ford character that I created in my head.

Today as I wake, I am bombarded by phone calls from friends, clients and my daughter blasting me for getting involved with someone that they considered evil, loathsome and of less than honorable character. I defended his honor until I literally felt beaten up.

The dialogue with Luke over the next few days was strained at best. I felt like I was dealing more with a child than a man. In the beginning I thought he was an “innocent” worth saving and was simply misunderstood.

However, the truth was, the more I woke up out of my fog I realized that Luke has parts of him that are pure evil. He laughs hysterically when talking about interviews he’s done with people conning them in to thinking that he’s a “good guy”, gets them to open up and then slams them editorially. Is this honorable?

Then, my friends are saying Ann* “you’re ignoring the glaring red flags”… so I start to think…I remember the first time we met at Starbucks he made a comment about the “rock” on my wedding ring finger and the vintage wedding band. I explained to him that the five carat sapphire princess cut and the three carat diamond trillion cuts on each side of the center stone were a “divorce present to myself”. My ego told me he was interested in me as a woman and thus was questioning me about my single status. My friends say that he was sizing up what it was worth.

I had been late for coffee, so I paid of course, as I did with dinner etc. He made mention that I always carry what I refer to as “Ben Franklins aka one hundred dollar bills”. We had a discussion about it and I told him how much I liked them. We also talked about the fact that I usually carry $10,000 in cash on me, just because I don’t believe in paying for things with credit cards. I literally have zero debt. I plan on keeping it that way.

I had left my wallet behind in San Francisco on a flight a few days before. The wallet was turned in minus the $2,000 in cash that was in it, however, I was happy to get my passport and California Driver’s License etc.

I had asked Luke repeatedly about the birthday party that I had committed to for his 40th. I knew I was sick. I wanted to pay for it in cash. He estimated 10 people at $15 per person. Ok, fine, $150 is MORE Than enough to spend on a guy that I’ve gone out with for thirty days. I felt it was more than generous.

I can’t begin to tell you what a tremendous energy shift there was between me and Luke this week. I went from being madly attracted to this handsome prince sweetheart of a guy to feeling like I was becoming an unwilling mother to a naughty, arrogant little twirp of a punk kid. He was behaving like an ill mannered demonic two year old.

Just before having my asthma attack he snapped at me saying, “stop asking me how many people are coming, you have more than enough cash that you carry with you all the time so you’ll have enough money”. I thought it was crude rude and an asshole of a comment.

I was trying desperately to give Luke the benefit of the doubt, but I felt like everything that people had warned me about with him was true.

When I attended the LA press party event with him, he practically ignored me all night. The exception was to bring me two glasses of water while a few of his friends were kind enough to keep me company. Where was Luke? Luke was hanging out with four women from MS. Magazine pestering the shit out of them. At this point I was just plain tired. I felt disrespected and wanted desperately to just go home. I always start thinking in these moments….. what the fuck am I doing here? My time is billed out at $350 to $500 an hour. I’m going to get my stuff and go home to soak in the hot jacuzzi and relax. Personally I would rather be home than hanging out watching this guy talk to other chicks. I’m weird that way I guess. Anyway, I didn’t want to just leave without saying goodbye, so I look over and smile and walk towards him to wish him a good evening with his new friends. Then I realize that these chicks are kinda freaked out by him. I started thinking to myself “Why on earth did I leave San Francisco where I was being driven around in Limos and being treated with respect and ass kissing to rush down here to deal with this crap?” I felt like getting back on the plane. What was I thinking????

I think to myself, if this isn’t a photo opp and a Kodak moment, I don’t know what is. I urge them to squeeze in closely so that I can capture this moment forever. This is the little boy I see that just likes to go around causing trouble. I realize now that Luke is simply a little boy who has probably not emotionally grown past the age of 3 or so. Suddenly I feel like his mother. This feeling is totally freaking me out and I feel like some kind of freaking pedophile looking at Luke now. What was I thinking? I can’t have sex with a child. Do I want another child/son? Do I want to adopt or rescue another person in my life…

I wonder if he senses how desperately I want to FLEE!!! Everything in my body is screaming RUN, RUN, RUN, while you can! Meanwhile, I’m thinking I have to preserve this moment on digital images. I always document things, usually video and photo. I wanted to document the fact I actually know and have touched the essence, the extraordinary, the pain in the royal ass known as Luke Ford.

As I’m snapping the photos, I explain to the girls from MS. Magazine that they need to forgive poor Luke, because he’s just escaped from the mental hospital and stopped taking his psych meds. They look at me in puzzlement, but I reassure him that he’s just annoying, and not dangerous… although in truth, Luke can be poison and deadly.


I had a hectic travel schedule and had caught a cold from the icky airplane air…. It got worse after Luke and I were making out in his hovel and sadly he also picked up the cold. We had both been sick for over a week and couldn’t see each other. During the time we first met, he took me to the hovel for some “private time”…at the risk of being indiscreet, let me just say that Luke is magical. There I’ve said it. The hovel is the palace in which the handsome prince lives and the magic he provides is the fairy tale that all women seek. A tender kiss from a handsome prince that wakes you from your deepest sleep, rescues you from the evil and wicked stepmonster, superman to lois lane… ok, you get where I’m going with this. Let’s just say that Luke’s kisses were so “satisfying” that really nothing else was necessary. I think it’s so great when two people really connect in that way. Magical. We laughed. I said, “Luke if we could bottle up and sell what you have, we would both be filthy rich!” He laughed. He walked me to my car and we made a plan to meet at the L.A. Press Club for an upcoming event. I was honored that he wanted me to meet all of his closest friends in the media world.
Again, it was another magical evening with the handsome prince named Luke Ford…How did he know that “The Princess and the Pauper” was always one of my favorite fairy tales, and that I could also make all of his dreams and prayers come true.

Last week I had received a very personal email from Luke where he allowed himself to be vulnerable and confided some of his thoughts and concerns with me. I was moved, touched and honored. Most men think being macho is “manly” I totally disagree. I would rather have a man like Luke anyday that can allow his true emotions and heart to show. Sharing vulnerability with me shows strength not weakness. I wrote back to him in an email. We haven’t known each other long and so much gets lost in email communication that our entire exchange started a downward spiral for the next ten days to come. I immediately kicked in to “Superwoman Mode”…. which sometimes I hate. I’ve always been very gifted in business. Because I’ve been on my own since age 14, I never really had a chance to be a kid. I have been in “caretaker—big sister” role almost ever since I can remember. From childhood to even now, I am always the first person to “rescue”. I rescue many things, cats, dogs, mice, children, battered women, the mentally ill, charities… I’m always trying to help, fix and make life better for others. Especially when I feel close to them.

I arranged for Luke to meet with me and some potential new clients. I’ve seen Luke in his pure form. I think I might even be one of the few people who really understands him. Luke has so much more talent and gifts than anyone gives him credit for. I am convinced without a doubt that if ONLY given the opportunity, Luke can and will be a major success and superstar in his own right.

I’m not quite sure what went wrong during this week…. As I remember it…. it all went very fast and my head is still spinning.

Luke left the business meeting that I had set up early, so we really didn’t get the chance to talk. The next day I had to fly to New York and then to South Beach on business.

It was vitally important to me that Luke feel valued. One of the biggest problems that I have with men is that they feel overwhelmed and immasculated by my personality and career. So I have to be very very carefuil and respectful so that I don’t step on any toes or cross any boundaries. This is particularly tough in our case because we’ve had so very little private quality time together. Some people mistake my eagerness to help as a power control takeover issue and for men, they RUN like hell!

So, in an effort to ease through the situation, I totally slipped in to business mode. Luke is paid a nice sum of cash to act as a consultant. Therefore, it was important to me that issue be recognized. I asked him to please invoice my firm for his time and I made sure that I dropped his compensation in the mail so that he would have it immediately. To maintain the friendship and balance in the relationship that we were cultivating, I included a heartfelt card to make him smile and know that I care.

I had to rush to catch a plane, missed it, was up all night and got really really sick. I started to have some breathing problems with my asthma acting up due to the stress I was under.

I made it to New York. Finally.

I had so much stress with work. Dealing with millions of dollars on the line can be very taxing…especially when you’re ill.

I had shared with a few of my friends that I had met Luke and we had a “thing”. I shared how smitten I was with him. This was since our first meeting earlier in May, just about two weeks earlier. By this point, the word has spread like wildfire throughout my circle of friends and acquaintances. I was getting hammered with negativity about Luke. I won’t repeat the things that were said. To repeat them would be pointless and hurtful to him, so I kept them to myself. I was also getting hammered by clients about not only his pornography association but the “crap” he had written about me in the past. I guess I felt like “hey if I’m over it and he’s a friend of mine and I trust him, it’s really my choice who to have in my life”…. but that didn’t stop the endless negativity for practically a solid 72 hours.

I flew on to South Beach on a private Gulfstream G4 that a friend/client was kind enough to send for me… Trust me fly a G4 and you’ll never fly commercial again. It was fabulous. They usually come with a masseuse and a manicurist pedicurist and fine gourmet cuisine… and the best of all???? wireless internet and cell of course so I can still conduct business on the way to South Beach.

Luke and I exchange emails but I can tell that my stress is showing. Things appear to be on his mind also.

Later that day, I read his blog. I read some things that had an impact on me and I shut down. I tried to contact Luke but he was too busy and couldn’t take the time to call me right way.

My heart started racing. I couldn’t breathe. I started wheezing. It felt like a two ton guerilla was setting on my chest. I called a friend and we went to the emergency room. On the way I was frantically looking for my inhaler. I only got one dose. It kept me from croaking but my inhaler was now empty and my breathing is becoming increasingly difficult.

In the emergency room, my blood pressure was extremely high… makes sense… I just realized I haven’t taken my blood pressure medication in months. I also forgot to get my asthma medication refilled etc. Why? because I’m always taking care of everyone but myself and I forget about me. That’s one of the problems of being a caretaker, but I’ve been that way all of my life.

The doctors wanted to keep me for observation and to get me stabilized.. Asthma is not always life threatening but it’s not something you want to screw around with.

I had email Luke many times this week. I needed to get a head count and details on his birthday party. I was also planning on a few surprises for him. The first one, was I was going to fly his parents and siblings in from Australia. In addition, I wanted to get the group of invitees to all get together to chip in and get a really great gift for him that he needed, perhaps a new laptop, briefcase, whatever, a bed even~!

In the past he had mentioned his relationship and friendship with Holly Randall. He told me that their romantic relationship was over. That was that. However, by reading his website, it was obvious to anyone that they had a strong bond. I know that Luke respects her and likes her and her family very much. While I was on the plane I had looked at Holly’s websites etc. and read about her. What found kind of funny is that Holly is almost the same age as my daughter Aimee, who’s my dearest closest friend. Aimee and I also work together just as Holly does with her mother Suze.

By another coincidence, while working with the Black Eyed Peas in Chicago we talked with Oprah segment producers on show ideas/ segment ideas. One of them was following in mom’s footsteps a mother daughter career panel similar to the ones that Aimee and I had done before.

One thing that’s funny/odd about me is when I see “matching opporunities” I just immediately go in to auto pilot work mode. Thus I thought , how cool! This would be great for Holly and her mom. I know Luke would be pleased to do something nice for a dear friend of his etc. If she and I hit it off, I thought maybe we could even through a bigger party for Luke or come up with something really extraordinary for the big 40.

Reading about Holly on,I had been entertained for hours reading about their interchanges. What I loved about Holly was she’s cute and strong, just like my daughter. So I thought, hey, why not it might be fun.

Luke had been really busy so I just dropped her an email introducing myself and telling her about the segment. To maintain discretion with Luke and our private life private, at that point, I didn’t even mention his name and and fact have never mentioned his name to her.

So I kept it all business and thought maybe I could even send her some business or possibly network in some way. That’s just kind of my nature. There’s not a jealous bone in my body. I’m a networker with literally hundreds of thousands of acquaintances in my database. If I don’t know someone, I most likely know of someone who does… if that makes sense.

Anyway…Luke didn’t see it in exactly the same way…..

I didn’t sleep well the night I left Luke’s hovel. I had so many thoughts spinning in my head that I couldn’t get my mind to rest. I realize that I’m out of my medication. I take a combination of prozac for depression and post traumatic stress disorder (thanks to *** *****, ***** ***** and Steven Seagal) and depakote for seizures and bi-polar disorder. I have not confided yet in Luke that I am on medication for these issues. This is a sore spot and source of insecurity for me. One of the things that I really admire about Luke is that he is very open in discussing his use of psychiatric medication and his psychiatric personality disorders. There is a tremendous lack of education with the general public on mood and psychiatric disorders. It’s sad really. I remember when Steven Seagal hired *** ***** to order a “knock down” on me, one of the first things that they did was intimate that I was a crazy lunatic because I was taking Prozac at the time. Personally, I believe that if everyone that takes prozac were a nut… LA would be full of nuts and fruitcakes tooo no less.

Nonetheless, another thing that I admire about Luke is his sharing this information with people. I think to myself, there must be some way that we can make something good about this.

It has now been three sleepless nights. I ran out of my medication after the vials had opened in my purse up in San Francisco. The pills were scrambled about in my purse caked with makeup, lipstick and other icky stuff at the bottom of my bag. As much as I need the medication to keep my moods balanced and to keep me from getting “Manic” I can’t take them because they are just too gross now.

I make a note to myself to call my shrink to reorder and re-evaluate my condition. Then I think to myself…. at what point in a relationship does one disclose that they have a mood disorder. I start to feel very self-conscious, vulnerable and scared. My abandonment issues kick in.

At the press event, several people that know Luke approach me and say “hey I hear that you’re ground zero for *** *****’s troubles” They make reference to the fact that I had gotten a restraining order against, Steven Seagal, ***** ***** and *** ***** among other thugs over a decade ago. When I first went to police, media etc. and shared the stories about Seagal’s involvement with the Gambino crime family, I was met with “awww come on, that’s just in movies”….. it can’t be possible in real life? LOL, well hey, guess what, NOW THE TRUTH IS FINALLY COMING OUT! Isn’t it odd that now reporters, FBI and Federal agents are ringing my phone daily for comments and help? At the same time, my post traumatic stress disorder kicks in and I have flashbacks day and night when my car caught fire when I started it, the baseball bat that smashed my windshield, the death certificates stained with human blood and my children’s names on them sent to me by mail. It all brings back hellacious memories that I wish had never happened. I feel manic, panicky and scared.

I find it oddly satisfying in many ways, however,

You see I’ve never really “had anyone” in my life. I’ve always felt very alone. Even with hundreds of thousands of contacts in my database, even with hundreds of people that will tell you that they “love and adore me”, even when I’m surrounded by people, I still feel completely alone and isolated from society as a whole. I fear that if he knows, he will leave… worse than that, I fear that if he knows that he will write about it on his blog and ridicule me. I fear that I’m opening up a can of worms that will cause even more pain for me emotionally, mentally and physically.

The phone rings. My best friend is on my ass asking me how on earth I can even speak to Luke Ford after all of the pain and agony his website has caused me over the years. I can feel all of the triggers that are thrusting me in to a full blown hypomanic state, especially with the sudden withdrawl of meds.

I pray that I can make it through the week of upcoming travel and see my shrink when I’m back in LA. I pray that I can keep my stress levels down. I pray that I can keep coping with an insane schedule, no sleep, no meds, bi-polar disorder, asthma and acute bronchitis…

I laugh at myself… I think “wow, yeah, I’m quite the catch for some eligible guy!”

That’s one of the difficult issues for me. I’ve had men propose to me after one date. I’ve had nine marriage proposals in total. Two of the marriage proposals I accepted. I have two marriages and two divorces in my history.

I have to really really trust someone to be completely open and vulnerable with them. Luke scares me. Up until going to the “hovel”. I felt mesmerized and safe with him. The next day however as I’m traveling and fighting illness, I read on his blog:

“Why can’t I (Luke) find comfort in the arms of a loving woman?”

Of course, I realize this is me. I feel ashamed and hurt. I feel unwanted, undesired and foolish.

I read on..

He continues, “Why can’t Holly and I just make beautiful babies and live in her mansion in Malibu together…”

Now I feel devastated. How could I have been so stupid? Does this guy just have a score card? I debate about what to do.

I don’t want to come off as a jealous lunatic, but I’m hurt and disappointed. I thought that we had shared a beautiful moment the night before.

I summon up the courage to write him an email and say “Are you sure that you’re over Holly? After reading your website I have to wonder?”

He writes back with a quick short and cold, “I told you it’s over and it’s over period.”

I continue to read on his website similar entries about Holly and their “love”.

Meanwhile, since I’ve told my friends and clients about Luke, they of course, are also reading his website. Thus, the phone calls start pouring in telling me that I’m being made a fool of. All of this triggers major insecurities in me. One of my major triggers comes from feeling used or lied to. Many times over the years, especially when I had megabucks, several men, con-artists, gold diggers etc. had come in to my life. Some had even profiled me, embezzled from me, stolen my identity etc. Sometimes it was just a few thousand dollars, other times it was hundreds of thousands of dollars. When you are the victim of such a betrayal, it makes you particularly sensitive to trigger factors.

All of these buttons being pushed, whether they are intentional or unintentional cause my health to plummet within 72 hours. Luke is really pushing me away, not answering his phone and his email responses are cold.

I ask him about the party, because the party I was planning on giving him, flying in his family, getting a new laptop by getting everyone to pitch in, is completely NOT going according to plan. He tells me that all he wants from me is to:

“Show up and pick up the check”… says Luke Ford.

That’s when it hit me. That felt like the only interest he had in me. Feeling this way, feels really really ICKY. It makes me nauseated.

* I met Luke Ford recently who shared with me that he lived in a “hovel” . I wouldn’t admit it to him, because he’s already “smug” and a “smartass”, but being the hillbilly with the little education I have, I didn’t know what the word meant. So, of course, I ran online and went to (one of my favorite favorites on AOL. I looked up “hovel” so that I could learn a new word and understand what he’s talking to me about the next time I speak with him LOL….

2 entries found for hovel.
hov·el Audio pronunciation of hovel ( P ) Pronunciation Key (hvl, hv-)

1. A small, miserable dwelling.
2. An open, low shed.

[Middle English, hut.]

Interesting I thought. I had also been living in what I considered as a “hovel”. I sold my houses, 10,000 sq. ft, 8,000 sq. ft and 3500 sq. ft over the years and now was living in a 3 bedroom 3 bath apartment or “condo-hotels” as they call them. I’ve been having issues making any kind of committments of any kind. So I have the freedom with my “hovel” that I can leave at almost any time.

When my parents found me, I decided to take two years off and shoot a documentary about our family being reunited after 40 years. I didn’t care that I was cashing it all in and now living in what I was considering a “slum”….I’ve posted photos here so you can get an idea of how I live humbly now. I was filled with self pity and self loathing feeling like a failure because I had started over again with my career. Even though it’s trying sometimes, I have such gratitude that I was able to have that time to get to know my parents for the first time in my life and who knows how much time I will have with them. Those moments have been priceless.

Ok… now back to the hovel… I kept only the furnishings and art and decor that had some special meaning to me so it’s “not that bad”….

Then I met this character, this colorful colorful and perhaps even multiple personality friend/acquaintance Luke Ford who shows me his hovel, now that I know what it means. Man do I feel like a schmuck. This poor guy has far less than I do and he doesn’t feel pity for himself, he seems completely content to live in his hovel. I ask him how long he’s been there and I believe I recall him saying 9 years or more.

God bless. I feel so grateful now and appreciate the little things that I have much more. I realize that God has given me so many blessings. I have everything that I need and more than enough space. Now rather than material things I have peace of mind and the love of true friends and those are riches that are indeed priceless.

I highly recommend hovel dwelling. It builds character.

Most of the time anyway….

* Ann* [12:40 A.M.]:
Ann* [12:40 A.M.]: what do you think of the guy in that pic?
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:40 A.M.]: the thought never entered my thinking
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:40 A.M.]: hang on
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:41 A.M.]: friend of yours?
Ann* [12:41 A.M.]: acquaintance
Ann* [12:41 A.M.]: met him for coffee
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:41 A.M.]: and the story is
Ann* [12:41 A.M.]: interesting guy
Ann* [12:41 A.M.]: LOL
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:41 A.M.]: photo taken tonite?
Ann* [12:41 A.M.]: an orthodox jew that is involved in porn
Ann* [12:41 A.M.]: no years ago apparently
Ann* [12:41 A.M.]: I just find it ironic
Ann* [12:41 A.M.]: that’s all
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:42 A.M.]: very
Ann* [12:42 A.M.]: his father was an evangelist, a very famous one
Ann* [12:42 A.M.]: you can only imagine the complexity with this one
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:42 A.M.]: but then i have found a few orthodox jews quite hippocritical
Ann* [12:42 A.M.]: God bless him
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:42 A.M.]: hopefully
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:42 A.M.]: a lot of very religious people are full of shit
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:43 A.M.]: extremes bother me
Ann* [12:43 A.M.]: I so TOTALLY agree, usually the biggest hypocrites and sexually dysfunctional people on the earth
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:43 A.M.]: usually a compensation for something missing in their life
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:44 A.M.]: then they wrap themselves up in a religious cloak and use that to justify their bullshit
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:44 A.M.]: i bounced one of the few patients i ever have…
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:44 A.M.]: an orthodox jew
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:45 A.M.]: i told him i was tired of him not keeping his workd with me, not keeping agreements we had made
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:45 A.M.]: i said if he signed a 6 point agreement, i would consider still treating him
Ann* [12:45 A.M.]: good for you
Ann* [12:46 A.M.]: go get ’em tiger
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:46 A.M.]: he acted like he didn’t know what the fuck i was talking about
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:46 A.M.]: i told him go ask your rabbi what one of the most impt tenants of orthodox judiasm is… keeping your word
Ann* [12:46 A.M.]: I hear ya
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:47 A.M.]: then come back and we”l chat
Ann* [12:47 A.M.]: the orthodox boy is also having issues with truth, honor and morality
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:47 A.M.]: he didn’t have the balls
Ann* [12:47 A.M.]: LOL
Ann* [12:47 A.M.]: sounds familiar
Ann* [12:47 A.M.]: I hate it when men don’t have balls
Ann* [12:47 A.M.]: what do they call them “uniks”?
Ann* [12:47 A.M.]: spelling?
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:47 A.M.]: i said see ya, good luck finding someone who’ll put up with your horseshit
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:48 A.M.]: uniques
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:48 A.M.]: ??
Ann* [12:48 A.M.]: LOL you know what I’m refrring too right where they castrate the men and make them servants in India
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:49 A.M.]: i see organized religion as a opiate for the masses
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:49 A.M.]: yup.. ooh ouch
Ann* [12:49 A.M.]: I agree
Ann* [12:49 A.M.]: LOL
Ann* [12:49 A.M.]:
Ann* [12:49 A.M.]: check that one out
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:49 A.M.]: just had to grab ike and mike, make sure they were ok
Ann* [12:49 A.M.]: I’m goign to include him as a case study in a documentary on mental illness
Ann* [12:50 A.M.]: he’s actually a fascinating creature
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:50 A.M.]: another friend of yours?
Ann* [12:50 A.M.]: I do mean “creature”
Ann* [12:50 A.M.]: it’s the same guy
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:50 A.M.]: are you giving me little hints?
Ann* [12:50 A.M.]: yes actually, I hope and pray to God that you are repulsed by this crap, otherwise, I will run!
Ann* [12:50 A.M.]: it’s TOTALLY not my thing
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:51 A.M.]: yes,, thank you
BeverlyHillsDoc [12:51 A.M.]: i was gettin a little worried
Ann* [12:51 A.M.]: absolutely not my thing, it’s creepy to me
Ann* [12:51 A.M.]: icky
Ann* [12:51 A.M.]: gross

* My only issue with Luke is most of his dealings are one sided. it’s all about Luke. If I do something it would have to be a win/win for everyone. I don’t like feeling used or taken advantage of.

Keep in mind that I see Luke as a bit of a parasite.

However, even bearing that in mind, he is a very compelling and magnetic personality, no doubt.

If it’s a good concept, with a win/win situation, I ‘m in…. if it’s all Luke all the time with no respect or appreciate or money for my efforts, I would pass.

I’m sure that makes sense. Right?

* My friends continue to scream at me that with Luke Ford their were screaming red flags all about him that I chose to ignore….

Ann* (yes, that’s me) Thinks to Self “Self, remember when you got the email from Luke discussing his career, finances etc. and you offered to bring him in on a few deals, ie, the Friar’s Club, Ultra Music Festival etc., where he would be traveling with you to exotic places and you would be paying him a consulting fee of $70 an hour etc. to schmooze with people and then blog/vlog about it? Remember when on the first “audition” for this new job, he stayed for about an hour and a half, left before the meeting was over, billed you for his time and you sent him exactly the amount of $120. in cash so that he would feel valued and not immasculated by you. Isn’t it interesting that he’s never even sent you a $1 thank you card after the nice thoughtful cards you’ve sent him to brighten his day and keep him focused and upbeat. Don’t you find it odd that it’s the exact, repeat EXACT amount that he spent on Levitra for his “new young girlfriend” as he blogs? What’s wrong with this picture? LOL…..

And the Infamous Prince of Darkness…

Luke Ford from Blogs:

“Levitra Is Breaking Me
Though my spirit is willing, my flesh is weak. So I went to my Kaiser doctor today and got a prescription for a picker-upper. It’s not covered by Kaiser. I’m out $120 for 12 pills (I feel guilty because I owe several readers of this column a total of $2,500, not to mention $2,500 to the IRS, and another $13,600 elsewhere). Maybe if I cut the pills in half (forgo Rogaine and Grecian Formula for a few months), they will add half an erection to the half I’ve already got, and together I’ll be able to keep up with my young new girlfriend.
If this medication wasn’t for my health, I wouldn’t splurge on it.”

* Luke would make a much better project for you than anything else, especially over say, a five year time frame. The idea of the “Luke Ford Diversity Hour” could really work.

Would that I lived in LA, I could devote some time to this, though doing what, I don’t know. NY is not right for this. Alas, I really ought to be in LA.

“Ann* —-, The One and Only :-)” wrote:
No worries, I have no hard feelings or ill will, we’re just not a romantic fit. Also, I think we have communication issues. It doesn’t mean that we hate each other, I just have to keep a distance.

Nonetheless, I think he’s amazingly talented and should definitely be out there. For me, he would be better suited as a “case study” or a “project” rather than a relationship/lover/friend.

I’m assuming since you know him and if you know anything about me, that you’ll understand.

There’s no reason we can’t all stay in touch and be friends. Your writing, as stated earlier is quite entertaining and if I can ever be of assistance, please feel free to contact me.

* This is a question that has vexed wise men and women for about 7 years now – “who the hell writes all that crap?” I write relationship blog when I feel motivated and a fair amount of stuff that appears on under various names or anonymously. (I seldom write anything that he posts to his other blog.) I’ve also just started dabbling in Myspace as that guy with the wedding dress pic, but don’t care much for the whole myspace thing. Back in the day, I had many more pseudonyms than I’ve got at present: the Reverend Peter Luther Christian, OBE; Cindee Plenum; Hector Gomez; Fischel Teitelbaum from Brooklyn; and others.

But enough of the past. Let’s talk the present and the future, and the undermonetized asset that is Luke Ford. At first I thought his (and by hanging on to his coat tails, my) route to fame and money was through a movie. I even wrote a screenplay entitled “Guard Your Tongue” about his exploits with the porners and his attempt to win acceptance among the orthodox Jews of his community. Alas, as I utterly lack either any connections to Hollywood or the genes to sell them anything, that has not gone anywhere, brilliant though this work have been. (Any suggestions on that score? I’ve got other stuff too, but no WGA agent to help me push it. Seriously, I’ve tons of ideas.)

My next idea for Luke concerns cable television. I realize that the competition for air time and for audience attention is ferocious and the stakes high, but this leads all the “creative” people who get to greenlight shows to pick the same sorts of things over and over in the hope that they can replicate the success of others. Consequently, they generally show little imagination, and gaps open up between what audiences want to see and what they these few people are willing to offer them. I believe that there is an as yet unserviced nitch available on television: an intellectually serious (in the sense that Luke is intellectually serious) talk show that covers popular culture from porn to religion to bloggers to writers to fringe political figures back to porn. Luke has connections to all of those worlds, and he’d be great on television. I even have a name for the show: “The Luke Ford Diversity Hour.” People would tune in, and in no time he’d have a huge cult following.. Yes, he’d need help, but I know of lots of creative people who would be eager to help out with content. I’m not thinking of this as Jerry Springer or Oprah, but something entirely different, and I think it would work.

You have your finger on the pulse of popular culture. What say you?

Man with many many names……

* One of the “good things” that came out of my OD on Luke Ford was meeting Cathy Seipp. Cathy is a natural beauty with a pair of the most striking blue eyes I’ve ever seen. Cathy is one of the few women I’ve met that actually looks really great without makeup. She’s also petite. I always wanted to be a “petite girl” instead of an Amazon Woman. The other things I learned and admire about Cathy is that she’s a single parent with a great relationship with her 17 year old daughter. (My daughters are 18 and 15). Cathy is a great writer also and writes “Cathy’s World”. She’s intelligent and a great catch, so I thought, I would introduce her to some of the really great men that I have in my life. Sometimes there’s great guys in your life but for one reason or another they are not a romantic fit. I’m always trying to play matchmaker, in my professional life with business relationships or my personal life with social friends and acquaintances. It’s actually quite fulfilling and rewarding.

Cathy had made an entry on her blog about Luke’s birthday party. It was really cool, sweet and nice that so many people commented on the photo I took of Cathy and Luke. It really was adorable and they are great friends. I think to myself that Cathy must have the patience of a saint to tolerate Luke

* One of the more interesting by-products or side effects of the Luke Ford experience is that I really like and respect Holly Randall. I think Luke is totally obsessed with her, but hey, can you blame the guy? She’s young, beautiful, funny (from what I’ve read), strong, talented and doesn’t take his shit! I admire her for that. You Go Girl! So who knows, maybe we’ll all be friends some day… that’s the way it should have been anyway….. Luke Ford has no business in relationships with women…. He just doesn’t have the tools, nothing personal to the guy, he just doesn’t.

* writes:

“Re: HEY

I’ll call you this week. Thanks for being good.

Sorry to be a bitch, but would you mind accommodating me on one more thing? Please don’t leave comments on my myspace. I don’t have a problem with it but my GF can be a bit volatile on it.

How you been?


Ann* —- Responds:

Readers Please note that GF means Girlfriend in High School language. In addition, the day after I threw Luke’s 40th birthday party he was “ordered” remove me by the GF aka Cathy* (not her true name to protect the bitch) from his Top 8, Do you know how much that pissed me off? I can handle public humiliation etc. but to be cut from the Top 8. That’s where I draw the friggin line! Who does she think he is? He said she was “not the jealous type” but this is friggin ridiculous! Come on Cathy* (not her real name) grow the hell up! And come on, an Asian* girl converting to Orthodox Judaism after knowing Luke for two dates… I’m not buying this story! Who else thinks this is a bullshit game?

Oh and by the way, the other good friend in his life, Holly Randall, he disrespects her all the time just like me, if not worse, she ALSO threw a 40th birthday party for him and Holly tells me that she too has been banished to oblivion under strict orders and ultimatums from the Asian Cathy* who’s not the jealous type and Luke’s serious exclusive girlfriend after two dinners and an hour conversation. Can you say Obsessive or is it Possessive? ”

Comments anyone?

* Ann* (10:02:16 PM): Luke was floored that yoiu knew who his dad was
Ann* (10:02:26 PM): Nomi knows Luke quite well also
PhilTheShrink (10:02:52 PM): Yes, and tonight I was cleaning out my study, and re-reading a lot of material from his dad’s controversial days, 20+ years ago
Ann* (10:03:00 PM): oh yeah?
Ann* (10:03:03 PM): no kidding
Ann* (10:03:07 PM): small world isn’t it?
PhilTheShrink (10:03:28 PM): Des Ford was extremely influential in the denomination, had a quite revolutionary influence
Ann* (10:03:37 PM): really? in what ways?
PhilTheShrink (10:03:58 PM): His skill as a communicator, and as a creative theologian
Ann* (10:04:13 PM): I’ve heard that he’s quite charismatic also
Ann* (10:04:17 PM): Luke has that trait
PhilTheShrink (10:04:18 PM): yes
Ann* (10:04:22 PM): very charming and charismatic
Ann* (10:04:34 PM): you know at times, he’s incredibly sweet
Ann* (10:04:37 PM): almost boyish
PhilTheShrink (10:04:47 PM): So did you celebrate his birthday?
Ann* (10:04:54 PM): yes
Ann* (10:06:16 PM): met several of his orthodox friends
Ann* (10:06:20 PM): he was very well behaved
Ann* (10:06:22 PM):
Ann* (10:06:30 PM): you know what’s scary though Dennis
PhilTheShrink (10:06:36 PM): Very good
Ann* (10:06:39 PM): is he and I both have the narcissistic tendencies
PhilTheShrink (10:06:39 PM): No, what?
Ann* (10:06:46 PM): and I see it in both of us
Ann* (10:06:55 PM): can you imagine two narcissists
Ann* (10:06:57 PM): ?
Ann* (10:07:15 PM): I think dinner will be fascinating
PhilTheShrink (10:07:17 PM): Looking deeply into their own reflections in each other’s eyes!
Ann* (10:07:23 PM): LOL
Ann* (10:07:42 PM): we don’t really look at each other much
PhilTheShrink (10:07:44 PM): So, let me know when we can do it, and I’m open
Ann* (10:07:51 PM): we’re both too absorbed with ourselves LOL
Ann* (10:07:54 PM): me me me
Ann* (10:07:59 PM): I try to be good
Ann* (10:08:03 PM): )
Ann* (10:08:08 PM): I really do try
PhilTheShrink (10:08:09 PM): Ha ha
Ann* (10:08:20 PM): but it’s funny how the mind just takes over with this “fuck you” attitude
Ann* (10:08:31 PM): it’s like I go from nice girl to bitch in thirty fast seconds
Ann* (10:08:37 PM): so much so you can see my head turning
Ann* (10:08:44 PM): and pea soup spewing LOL
PhilTheShrink (10:08:46 PM): Ha ha
Ann* (10:08:47 PM): oy vey
Ann* (10:09:05 PM): what is interesting is tonight he really opened up and said that I was ignoring his feelings
Ann* (10:09:09 PM): he became human
Ann* (10:30:18 PM): can someone actually stop being a narcissist?
Ann* (10:30:30 PM): I guess it’s like being an alcoholic
Ann* (10:30:33 PM): you’re always recovering
PhilTheShrink (10:30:34 PM): Yes, I believe so
Ann* (10:30:39 PM): a recovering narcissist
PhilTheShrink (10:30:49 PM): I think deep personality change is possible
Ann* (10:30:50 PM): first have to accept that you’re powerless over the narcissism
PhilTheShrink (10:30:56 PM): But the intervention has to be deep
Ann* (10:30:57 PM): and God is the answer

Ann* (1:07:54 AM): you know Luke Ford
PhilTheShrink (1:07:59 AM): Sometimes my laptop seems completely overwhelmed
Ann* (1:08:06 AM): well I kinda got myself in to a bit of a “spot”
PhilTheShrink (1:08:09 AM): yes, very interesting about him
Ann* (1:08:10 AM): and I need some advice
PhilTheShrink (1:08:12 AM): Oh?
Ann* (1:08:19 AM): his birthday is tomorrow
PhilTheShrink (1:08:28 AM): uh huh
Ann* (1:08:31 AM): I innocently said Oh let me throw a party for you thinking
Ann* (1:08:36 AM): LOL he’d say no no
Ann* (1:08:40 AM): but in fact. oh yes
PhilTheShrink (1:08:41 AM): Uh oh
Ann* (1:08:42 AM): LOL
Ann* (1:08:45 AM): yeah
Ann* (1:08:51 AM): so I ‘m a bit
Ann* (1:08:56 AM): erh ah nervous I guess
Ann* (1:09:05 AM): not sure what I’ve gotten myself into
Ann* (1:09:06 AM): then
Ann* (1:09:12 AM): last week he invited me to a press event
Ann* (1:09:21 AM): and introduced me as “his date”
PhilTheShrink (1:09:33 AM): I see–he’s getting warm for you, then!
Ann* (1:09:44 AM): what do I do?
Ann* (1:09:52 AM): shouldn’t he talk to me about it?
Ann* (1:10:00 AM): I mean we haven’t discussed how uncomfortable I am with his behavior the timing hasn’t been right and I’ve been traveling so much, but he’s just got alot of issues
Ann* (1:10:01 AM): you know?
PhilTheShrink (1:10:06 AM): Do what you said you’d do
Ann* (1:10:12 AM): right
Ann* (1:10:17 AM): with the party you mean
PhilTheShrink (1:10:22 AM): yep
Ann* (1:10:41 AM): gotcha
Ann* (1:10:48 AM): you know what though Dennis
PhilTheShrink (1:10:50 AM): He may be interested in you–at some point you two can talk about that
Ann* (1:10:53 AM): he’s a raging narcissist
Ann* (1:10:59 AM): I mean RAGING
Ann* (1:11:02 AM): if you think I’m bad
Ann* (1:11:05 AM): he puts me to shame
PhilTheShrink (1:11:05 AM): Ha ha–
Ann* (1:11:09 AM): he’s totally insane
Ann* (1:11:12 AM): I thought I was bad
Ann* (1:11:16 AM): sheesh
Ann* (1:11:29 AM): and when I catch him on his “stuff” he looks at me in amazement
PhilTheShrink (1:11:33 AM): Let’s see–how does one throw a party for a raging narcissist?
Ann* (1:11:35 AM): because I can see right through his BS
Ann* (1:11:40 AM): I have no idea
Ann* (1:11:46 AM): he wouldn’t let me make the arrangments
PhilTheShrink (1:11:55 AM): Invite 10,000 of his closest, most admiring friends
Ann* (1:11:56 AM): he said he’d control it and I could come and pick up the theck
Ann* (1:11:57 AM): LOL
Ann* (1:12:03 AM): check*
Ann* (1:12:11 AM): I feel like smacking him
Ann* (1:12:15 AM): in a way, but I offered
Ann* (1:12:21 AM): I need to be more careful next time
Ann* (1:12:27 AM): lol
PhilTheShrink (1:12:30 AM): I was actually very sad to read his story on his web site
Ann* (1:12:40 AM): did you read it all?
PhilTheShrink (1:12:44 AM): Hi father has been so prominent in my denomination
Ann* (1:12:54 AM): it’s obviously had a tremendous impact on him
PhilTheShrink (1:12:59 AM): the whole thing is very sad, especially for one looking from the inside
Ann* (1:13:04 AM): he knows he’s ill
Ann* (1:13:16 AM): I would like to help him
Ann* (1:13:21 AM): but he scares me sometimes
Ann* (1:13:35 AM): I don’t know if his good side is a sincere one or a manipulation
Ann* (1:13:51 AM): your thoughts?
PhilTheShrink (1:13:52 AM): I haven’t read his whole story, but want to read the rest of it
Ann* (1:13:59 AM): how far did you get?
PhilTheShrink (1:14:03 AM): Well, he may be kinda dangerous
Ann* (1:14:11 AM): why do you think he is dangerous?
Ann* (1:14:15 AM): well I wonder sometimes
Ann* (1:14:23 AM): he talks about rape alot
PhilTheShrink (1:14:25 AM): I don’t know about physically–but emotionally
Ann* (1:14:35 AM): emotionally I can already see it
Ann* (1:14:53 AM): in many ways I feel like he’s an energy vampire
PhilTheShrink (1:15:00 AM): I see
Ann* (1:15:01 AM): and a parasite emotionally
Ann* (1:15:13 AM): but then
Ann* (1:15:19 AM): at the same time this little innocent boy
Ann* (1:15:25 AM): that seems to be reaching out for help
Ann* (1:15:32 AM): sometimes I wonder if he’s an MPD
Ann* (1:15:39 AM): he’s on ALOT of meds
PhilTheShrink (1:15:41 AM): That’s at his core–the rest of the stuff is hardened defenses
Ann* (1:15:48 AM): and he just went off of them
PhilTheShrink (1:15:53 AM): Oh, no
Ann* (1:16:02 AM): how do you think he could be dangerous emotionally?
Ann* (1:17:16 AM): he posted his psychological reports from shrinks
Ann* (1:17:23 AM): it’s interesting to read
Ann* (1:18:02 AM): I just sent it to you
PhilTheShrink (1:18:44 AM): OK
Ann* (1:19:06 AM): Applying the DSMIV, he has a personality disorder of the histrionic/narcissistic type.
PhilTheShrink (1:21:09 AM): Yes, I see that
PhilTheShrink (1:21:21 AM): And it is thought he does not have Bipolar
PhilTheShrink (1:21:34 AM): Is his web address not
Ann* (1:21:35 AM): yeah so they say but I disagree
Ann* (1:21:37 AM): no
Ann* (1:21:43 AM): and
PhilTheShrink (1:21:44 AM): I got a porno site
Ann* (1:21:48 AM): one is all porn
Ann* (1:21:53 AM): the site he sold
Ann* (1:21:56 AM): it’s not his anymore
Ann* (1:21:59 AM): just the other two
PhilTheShrink (1:22:18 AM): I see–was he into the production of porn?
Ann* (1:22:29 AM): well I’m not getting a clear answer from him
Ann* (1:22:36 AM): I’m not really sure
PhilTheShrink (1:22:58 AM): Anyway, this describes narcissistic personality quite well
Ann* (1:23:09 AM): yes
PhilTheShrink (1:23:15 AM): the constant, insatiable seeking of validation from others
Ann* (1:23:19 AM): he laughs about it and posts this stuff on his site
Ann* (1:23:30 AM): I’m not sure if I’m like that or not
Ann* (1:23:35 AM): he seems much worse than me
Ann* (1:24:41 AM): I’m starting to feel like an angel compared to him
Ann* (1:24:55 AM): I’ve only seen him twice and once was for coffee
Ann* (1:25:04 AM): he’s a very difficult read
PhilTheShrink (1:25:15 AM): is “porn news”
Ann* (1:25:21 AM): after we had coffee he was saying how attracted he was to me and that he adored me
Ann* (1:25:24 AM): it’s wierd
PhilTheShrink (1:25:25 AM): He seems clearly to have been involved in it
Ann* (1:25:26 AM): yeah that’s it
Ann* (1:25:32 AM): it sure seems that way
Ann* (1:25:39 AM): but he denies it
Ann* (1:25:41 AM): I don’t
Ann* (1:25:44 AM): “get it”
Ann* (1:25:54 AM): how can someone who’s truly orthodox
Ann* (1:26:01 AM): or 7th day be so in to porn
Ann* (1:26:04 AM): and so publicly
Ann* (1:26:08 AM): it doesn’t maike sense
Ann* (1:26:11 AM): it’s truly insane
Ann* (1:26:15 AM): don’t you think?
Ann* (1:26:17 AM): ORRRRR
Ann* (1:26:22 AM): is he doing it for the attention?
PhilTheShrink (1:26:36 AM): Well, it’s not unusual for hyper-religious types to be into compulsive sex
Ann* (1:26:44 AM): oh really?
PhilTheShrink (1:27:00 AM): Obviously he has a connection with the porn industry
Ann* (1:27:17 AM): do you think it’s insanity?
Ann* (1:27:20 AM): dangerous?
Ann* (1:27:26 AM): I’m almost afraid to go tomorrow
PhilTheShrink (1:28:38 AM): Having looked at the 3 sites, I don’t know where in the world he’s coming from
Ann* (1:28:42 AM): his parents think he’s obsessed by the devil
PhilTheShrink (1:28:49 AM): But there are some bizarre statements on them
Ann* (1:28:55 AM): which ones?
PhilTheShrink (1:29:07 AM): what’s all this stuff about sexual predators?
PhilTheShrink (1:29:14 AM):
Ann* (1:29:16 AM): you tell me
Ann* (1:29:19 AM): I don’t get it either
PhilTheShrink (1:31:43 AM): I wonder what happened with Dennis Prager
Ann* (1:31:49 AM): not sure
Ann* (1:31:56 AM): but what I do know
Ann* (1:32:09 AM): is that he was a mentor of luke’s then luke did something to betray his trust
Ann* (1:32:18 AM): then he was cast out of prager’s inner circle
Ann* (1:32:25 AM): but what exactly not sure
Ann* (1:32:33 AM): I’m sure it’s somewhere on his blog
Ann* (1:32:39 AM): but a girl can only read so much
Ann* (1:32:51 AM): he’s an odd character
Ann* (1:33:12 AM): what do you think his danger is emotionally with me? should I just stay away?
PhilTheShrink (1:33:30 AM): very–and he has carved out a highly unusual niche for himself
PhilTheShrink (1:34:03 AM): Well, he seems to want to get very connected to you
Ann* (1:34:12 AM): why do you say that?
PhilTheShrink (1:34:20 AM): And his relationships with people seem extremely volatile
PhilTheShrink (1:34:32 AM): from what you said
Ann* (1:34:32 AM): yes
Ann* (1:34:35 AM): oh ok
Ann* (1:34:37 AM): LOL
Ann* (1:34:42 AM): yeah he seems like like drama
Ann* (1:34:48 AM): when I call him on stuff he laughs
Ann* (1:34:57 AM): like he’s enjoying me catching him trying to manipulate me
Ann* (1:35:12 AM): it’s almost evil
Ann* (1:35:15 AM): in a strange way
PhilTheShrink (1:35:17 AM): Yes, he seems to feed off of watching and exposing people
Ann* (1:35:18 AM): seriously
Ann* (1:35:22 AM): yes
PhilTheShrink (1:35:57 AM): So, I guess he’s expecting a party tomorrow
Ann* (1:36:08 AM): we’re all meeting at a restaurant
Ann* (1:36:48 AM): do you think he’ll ever go back to the church?
PhilTheShrink (1:37:13 AM): Doesn’t sound like he’s interested
Ann* (1:37:18 AM): right
Ann* (1:37:29 AM): I think I’ll just fade out with him
Ann* (1:37:32 AM): you know?
Ann* (1:37:36 AM): that’s probably the safest
PhilTheShrink (1:39:05 AM): take a look at this:
Ann* (1:39:10 AM): ok
PhilTheShrink (1:39:26 AM): He’s the “Matt Drudge of porn”
Ann* (1:39:36 AM): yeah I read that
PhilTheShrink (1:39:42 AM): I guess supposedly he exposes it
PhilTheShrink (1:40:06 AM): but sounds like he’s been into it, too
Ann* (1:40:23 AM): yeah
PhilTheShrink (1:40:31 AM): Anyway, I would certainly tread carefully with him
Ann* (1:40:41 AM): I need to exit out
Ann* (1:40:45 AM): I thought it was just coffee
Ann* (1:40:57 AM): but then the next time I see him all of the sudden it’s a “date”
Ann* (1:41:16 AM): he may have even referred to us as a couple
Ann* (1:41:24 AM): I overheard someone asking him
Ann* (1:41:29 AM): and he said yeah
Ann* (1:41:34 AM): which kinda freaks me out
PhilTheShrink (1:41:44 AM): He must be 40-ish now?
Ann* (1:41:51 AM): he’s be 40 today
PhilTheShrink (1:41:59 AM): I see
Ann* (1:42:06 AM): tha’ts why I offered
Ann* (1:42:12 AM): at coffee the first time met him
Ann* (1:42:33 AM): he said “my big 40 is coming up adn I’m doing nothing” then he added “how pathetic is that”
Ann* (1:42:40 AM): and then little miss mary maid says
Ann* (1:42:47 AM): oh let me have a party for you!
Ann* (1:42:50 AM): ugh
PhilTheShrink (1:42:55 AM): He’s not been married?
Ann* (1:42:56 AM): not realizing his history
Ann* (1:42:59 AM): never married

* Our Moral Leader: Luke Ford of Blogs: “Bored With Beauty…Compared to the eternal verities, it seems so shallow.”

Which explains why he went from tall blondes to Asians*….

The fact that Luke disclosed his panic attacks makes perfect sense to me now. Although at the time he was trying to make ME feel bad that he was having such anxiety, it turns out that Luke, himself wasn’t exactly disclosing the true facts. As I was busting my ass to rush home and give him a birthday party, he was already working on a new chickie named Cathy* and planning on sticking me with the Birthday Bill of $500. as well as deceiving and dumping me the next day by email cooking up a bunch of bullshit arguments…

Does a “man” operate this way?

Luke’s attempt at honor AFTER Sticking me with his birthday bills:

Luke Ford Writes:

Re: Hey by the way….
In a message dated 5/30/06 10:18:09 PM, writes:

That’s funny. I was not relaxed with you Sunday night. Not anyone’s fault necessarily but I was not.

There are times when I am relaxed with you, such as the last half of our phoner last night.

I am relaxed with Holly. But that does not mean I’m getting together with Holly. Quite the opposite.

I met someone a few days ago and we were just on the phone for an hour and we’ve gone out to eat a couple of times and tonight we decided we’re going to be exclusive.

I know this sounds very highschool but you’re the first person I’ve told because this just happened.

Cathy* _______ is not a jealous type (while I can be)… She’s very loyal and trusting. You and I can be friends. We can have dinner if we want or whatever…We can work together if we wish. But my romantic/physical interests are going to be focused solely on Cathy* (not Jewish but interested in converting).



I haven’t seen Luke Ford since the night of his birthday, nor do I really want to. What first appears to be a charming and delightful human being in reality is a parasite. With Holly, he receives income from the advertisements on his websites, from Cathy* contacts to move his career forward from the Press Club* and me, well, we’ve already been there and done that. I don’t think it’s necessary to rehash old war wounds. I will say however, that I feel “people” should be more honest and direct with who and what they’re after. In truth, I feel sorry for Holly and Cathy* or anyone else that meets this guy. Listen to those who warn you…He even warns you himself. And it is for real. Some people are just plain evil. After consulting with four different psychiatrists, mutual friends that we have in common including one woman who knows both of us who is ALSO a psychiatrist, each and every one of them told me clearly that it’s best that I RUN from this person for my own emotional safety. It saddens me that people like this actually exist in the world and I will actually pray for him and hope that he gets the help that he desperately needs before hurting others.
Please Note: Cathy* the name has been changed to protect the skank.

Holly writes: “I give up. You just love to insult me. And btw, shooting nude women isn’t as easy as you think it is. In fact, it’s damn difficult, especially when the model is green and/or has flaws I have to deal with. I know you hate the porn industry and will only see it as the evil one-eyed monster that lives in your closet, but I am going to continue to work in the industry, I’m going to have a family, and I’m going to be a damn good mother. So you can take your opinions on me, my job, and my family and shove it up your ass.”

If Holly Randall…

Jack writes:

“If Holly’s mom was a teacher or doctor or an artist, would have Holly have become a pornographer?

I don’t think the kind of stuff Holly does is offensive in itself, it’s that it is a trajectory to a whole heap of problems, physical and emotional.

It’s a pity you two can’t work together to make serious docu films about these issues. I wondering if you have ever discused it? Could Holly make serious docu films and do porn, or is that of zero interest to her? I rather suspect a possible way to persuade her would be for you to make an example and for you to make money from it.”


“There aren’t any difficult issues here. Porn is bad for you like cigarettes and MTV and a million things are bad for you. Humans are weak. They struggle to survive. Sometimes we do bad things, often because they are less bad than the alternatives. Nobody who could be shooting or writing for Vanity Fair magazine or Hollywood is making porn or writing about porn. Porn is a refuge for the lazy, for people who don’t want to push themselves to do something noble.

Oone of the definitions I’ve read for pornography is that it is the lowest form of artistic endeavor.

Holly wanted to be a fashion photographer but decided that would be too hard. Porn is easy, particularly for a girl like her. Holly, like any decent photographer, can shoot beaver in her sleep. There aren’t any special skills to making porn. It’s the easiest way she can make a great living and buy lots of expensive shoes and take exotic vacations.

Do I respect pornographers? Not for making porn. I may respect them for other qualities.”


“If I was a great writer or reporter, do you think I’d be writing primarily on porn? No way. I’m only here because I’m not good enough (as yet) to make it anywhere else.”

H.L. Mencken said you can judge a man’s character by the way he earns a living.

Luke – Holly Blow-Up

Da Burglar writes on XPT:

“I feel like Rockhound from the movie “Armageddon”, when he and Max get back on the Space Shuttle and See Harry and Colonel Sharp with a Gun and Space Wrench pointed at each other’s head….”Ok guys…what did I miss?”

Where was all this posted? I am bummed now…my two favorite people in Porn are fighting, it’s like when Mom and Dad used to get in a fight, always a couple hours before we would be going to the amusement park or something fun.

I hate hate hate to say this, but I actually, COMPLETELY understand and agree with BOTH of their positions and points and thoughts…how is that possible? I usually can’t get up on a fence to sit on it even if I want to… I need to invite both Luke and Holly up to smoke a peace pipe with me…this is not healthy or good.”

Damaged writes: “Luke and Holly should cool it with this. I have close friends that disagree with much of what I think and vis versa and we just don’t get into those subjects. The main problem is Luke’s need to be openly critical, as if by announcing what he believes is somehow the path of the righteous.”

Allover writes: “Luke is anal and calculating. That was designed like a love potion number 9. Word of love soft and tender don’t win a girl’s heart no more! If ya love ‘er you gotta send her somewhere she ain’t never been before.”

JamesN writes:

“Luke’s vanity trumped his concern for his mental health. he discontinued taking his medication and his page is already showing it-the updates either seem to come at a trickle, if at all some days. then for several days, luke swings back into a mild hypomania despite his tennis elbow and writes more than he did in the previous four days. from tom wolfe’s hooking up-luke take your lithium!

“The demise of Freudianism can be summed up in a single word: lithium. In 1949 an Australian psychiatrist, John Cade, gave five days of lithium therapy–for entirely the wrong reasons–to a fifty-one-year-old mental patient who was so manic-depressive, so hyperactive, unintelligible, and uncontrollable, he had been kept locked up in asylums for twenty years. By the sixth day, thanks to the lithium buildup in his blood, he was a normal human being. Three months later he was released and lived happily ever after in his own home. This was a man who had been locked up and subjected to two decades of Freudian logorrhea to no avail whatsoever.”

luke, do you not realize this woman is ideal? i’ve already got my troubled blond from princeton, but think about it luke. she’s adorable, easily as smart as you, and most importantly-she actually gets you despite the aurora snow sized gape betwixt you and perfection. lukeydukey, the woman’s half the reason i read your site now-she’s cool as shit, whatever you do to her. stop the khomeini-style bullshit. your income comes from what she does. i’ve got co-writing creds at the wsj, hbr, etc. and guess what? NOBODY GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU DO IF YOU CAN WRITE.

write, holly’s a muse, she’s not dragging you down, you spent a decade brilliantly fooling dumb girls into saying things they regretted in the same industry. you’ve been on set where penises touch vaginas. only mitt romney can claim moral superiority, you fucked kendra jade, you’re one of us.”

Allover writes:

“I think Mr. Ford is terrified to have actually developed strong feelings of love for a woman in the pornography business. His nightmares probably consist of her somewhow getting talked into performing in front of the camera. The horror, I intuitevely feel, must be twofold for him because in these horrors of sleep he is interviewing her for his site on her decision and desperately wants her not to do it for reasons we can all understand, but it also causes his casually sadistic interview style to begin to fray under the stress of his diasturbed emotional state, and thus his purchase on his carved niche height to look down his nose is in jeopardy.”


“I had a nightmare Sunday morning, June 11, 2006, that friends found nude and hardcore layouts of me in various porn magazines that Holly had shot. It took about an hour of awake time for me to assure myself I had never done any such thing.”

* “Torn Between Two Lovers” made famous by Luke Ford and friends
Photo Courtesy of Luke Ford of

On Luke Ford’s Blog He writes and tells me that I have caused his panic attacks. He also shares with me that the “friend” he’s taking advantage of is me:

“As I drive up to the party Thursday evening, I battle my first panic attack in years. As I maneuver back and forth to get a free parking spot on De Longpre off Cahuenga, I feel the universe collapsing in on me. I have so many changes going on in my life, I feel overwhelmed.

Many new opportunities are opening up to me, and I don’t want to blow them.
I fear that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, that I’ve abused a friend’s generosity, that I’m exquisitely sensitive about myself and callous towards others…

My stomach locks up and my arms are on fire. I can barely lift my camera.
Wouldn’t it be exquisite that I could finally do something honorable with my life only my elbows won’t cooperate?
Will I need to steer my way home with my mouth?

I don’t think this attack has anything to do with my turning 40 on Sunday. I keep telling people that it means nothing to me. My meaning in life is not founded on delusions of youth. But what if I’m deluded? What if I’m freaked about beginning another decade? What if my panic means I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror? All those nose and ear hairs, where did they come from all of a sudden?

How can I devote myself to castigating sexual predators yet plead in private to put “the tip in”? I pose in righteousness yet promise to “bang you silly.”

I have wings but I cannot fly.”

I respond:

In a message dated 5/30/06 9:35:49 PM, Ann* writes:

I’m assuming that this was the panic attack that you told me about on the phone? I just had a moment to really read this. I’m sorry that you feel panic from me. I wish I could somehow take it away so that you feel better.

No matter what we will always be friends. I’m happy that you were able to celebrate your birthday with Holly and your other friends from the porn world. I know that you care about them. Being surrounded by people who love you is a good thing. All I want for you and for me is happiness however it turns out. Once again, I’m sorry that I made you feel bad in any way. I’m also sorry for crossing your boundaries, sometimes, I’m just insensitive. I’ll work on it…

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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