If I Were A Rabbi…

If I were a rabbi, and I wanted to make some extra shekels, I’d tell people I was a kabbalist and that I had a yeshiva in Israel and I was available to give brachas, and when the rich women came to me for a bracha, the rich Sephardi women, the Ashkenazim are harder to con, I’ll tell them I am getting a special feeling about them, a special feeling about their ketubah and they need to bring it to me right away, and when they bring it, I will look at it and draw a big line right through it and say in Jewish, oh dearey me, this is no good, we’ll have to make you a kosher one, and I’ll be happy to do that for you for no charge, though if your heart compels you to donate to my yeshiva in Israel, well, you can just write the check out to me personally. And then I rope in the ladies with my kabbalistic insights, and when they’re good and vulnerable, I’ll say in Jewish, oh dearey my, I just got a horrible thought, but I can’t share it with you, absolutely no way can I share this with you, totally out of the question, well, if you force me, but I just opened my Zohar to this line and it is telling me that your husband is having an affair and you need to get a divorce right away, and I would be happy to write a get (divorce), yes I am very skilled in writing gittin, no amateur can just write a get, but I studied under the great kabbalists in Safed, you can trust me, perhaps you’d like to help with my yeshiva in Israel, it’s for orphans, I do so appreciate it, you have done so much for me, I’d like to offer you a token of my appreciation, yes, this is for you and it is 100% glatt kosher, oh thank you dear, you are too kind… Please, sit here, on my lap… Oh, you’re going to report me to the…. Oh, that’s a good one. That’s rich. Very droll. Very funny. I’ve got a recording of his mistress. He would not want that out…so no, he’s not going to do bupkes to me. Oh, he said there’s zero tolerance for this kind of harassment. Stop making me laugh, my sides hurt. Anyone who bothers me, I just send two shvartzes to their door and they’re back to minding their own business in no time. Isn’t Los Angeles Orthodox Judaism grand? Baruch HaShem.