We live in a culture increasingly influenced by porn. Sex is used to sell everything, from household products to cars to electronics. Provocative and popular fiction like 50 Shades of Gray is encouraging people to play with a fire that could destroy their homes. We supposedly stand against sex trafficking, and then we turn around and increase the demand through our music, clothing, and movie choices. These decisions to entertain ourselves with increasing shock factor reveal that most audiences are currently numb to the publicizing and proliferation of what was once deemed private. Amidst this sex-satiated culture, I want to give a realistic view of the life of someone who once allowed herself to be sold.
In sharing my own story and journey into and out of the sex industry, I want to educate others in a way that encourages us to stop buying sex in all forms and instead to honor one another as whole people. I want to encourage us to consider the woman who has been made a sex symbol so that we learn to honor both who she was before and who she might become if given an opportunity to succeed in a life outside of selling her body. I have encountered many men and women who were put into this life by their pimps and boyfriends. Others entered it while trying to escape their own trauma and trying to gain some control or dignity in their own lives. Yet others truly believe they can do nothing else. I want to offer you a glimpse of the mentality of a young girl who thought this was her best option in life.
As a woman who was once purchased, I am often placed into one of two categories: I am either victimized as a survivor of human trafficking, or my trauma is dismissed since I chose to enter the commercial sex industry. This is an unhelpful and extreme distinction—especially when some of those fighting to end trafficking are also those who justify their use of pornography, brothels, strip clubs, and escort services because they believe all these women choose to be there.
Choice is not always a simple matter when it is derived from decades of compounding trauma, addictions, and lack of quality guidance. For this reason, I want to show you what life looks like when a person says yes to being sold.This book is not meant to leave readers in despair but rather to depict enough of my own journey through deception to invite appreciation of the freedom possible with complete surrender.
I want to show how hope gives birth to new life, when a true chance to heal and opportunities to flourish are given. No one is too far gone. However, no one can complete the journey in isolation. In this sense, I hope my story can also aid those who want to mentor other women on their journeys of healing and redemption. My desire is that the full presentation of my background—and the way it fed into my choices—can help offer understanding about the many layers of hurt that are present for women leaving the sex industry. More than the woman’s body has been wounded, and many memories that stretch much further back than her start in the industry will need to be opened up and healed. Freedom does take work. But it is an infinitely good and worthwhile work.
I personally engaged in my deepest healing efforts at the Refuge for Women in Kentucky. And there, I discovered a place to be truly safe for the first time in my life. I remember lying in my bed each night and saying to myself, “I am safe. I am loved. I am secure.” Because of the hard work I did there, I can still say and mean those words today, many years later. If you are called to help a woman walk this road, please let my story invite you into awareness of the layers involved in both her hurt and her healing. And whether you read this story as a mentor or a mentee, let it encourage you of the good and the freedom yet in store.Ultimately, I hold to the unshakable belief that there here is hope and help for everyone. I hope my story confirms this for you.
Here is some of the feedback I got from our show:
* she is a very pleasant, self aware, w great stories. a homerun guest
* interesting what she said about avoiding howard stern show, that he
I think I’ve heard famous actors also say something akin to that about
* she is very pleasant, which is so bizarre given she’s talking about
such hardcore stuff.
* But I really wanted to know what negative behaviors she carries with
her to this day
What has she failed to shake off
* Luke came through with one of the greatest streams in YT history
As far as behaviors to shake I don’t know that the transformation process really ends if we are truly seeking to grow spiritually so I just continue to submit myself to that process. However when I went through Refuge for Women I wanted to leave not in bondage anything anymore so I was aggressive pulling up roots that were destructive. I tackled things like nicotine, eating disorders, codependency, debt, image management etc.. as far as what still follows me, I would say the CPTSD, being hyper aware and hyper vigilant. While I’m free from past bondage I’m not free from all the consequences so I live my best life through it and take care of myself and get support I need when it comes up.
Negative behaviors, I can be a bit of a food/event snob. A part of me still likes to enjoy the fancy once in a while but majority of time I find much joy in the simple. The percentages are much better!
Sunday, August 22, 2004:
I walk into the home of Raven Touchstone at 12:40 p.m. Two blonde girls (both 20 yo, Tianna Lynn and Leah Love, who wears braces) are loudly going at it with Lee Stone. He holds one girl in the air and on his waist as he goes at it. They’re all screaming.
Mitch Spinelli walks over to girls old enough to be his daughters and says he needs more aggression.
Muscular brute Lee Stone bends Leah’s arm the wrong way. She stops the scene for about ten minutes. She’s in agony.
“What are you trying to do?” asks Leah. “Break my arm?”
“They wanted a rough scene,” Lee replies. “If someone doesn’t leave injured, we’re doing something wrong.”
Tianna stares at me. “Who are you?”
“I’m Luke Ford. I write on the industry.”
She’s satisfied. She can’t see properly without her glasses. She usually begins her scenes with them on but then takes them off. They get spotty with bodily fluids.
The scene resumes. They’re all sliding around on the floor…
“It’s a long way from Nothing to Hide,” says Mitch.
Luke: “When you said people have seen a vast improvement in you in the past six months, in what respect?”
Tianna: “In my emotional, spiritual, physical wellbeing.”
Luke: “Tell us about your spiritual wellbeing?”
Gene Ross chuckles.
Tianna: “I know that fornication is a sin but I know that I am a good person. Believe it or not, this has gotten me off the streets. This has got me going for my goals. I still have my relationship with God and that is all I need. He will always be in my heart and I will always believe in my Savior. He did die for my sins. Yes, I do sin.
“I believe my church is within me. I like to go to church on occasion. I don’t think going to church should be a chore. It should be something you want to do. I don’t think people should be forced to go. They should have their own relationship with their God.”
Luke: “Which porn star would you most like to father your child?”
Tianna: “Jean Val Jeane.
“There are certain companies who will not hire me because I have done anal before [but won’t do it now].
Gene Ross and Leah Love and Tianna Lynn and I sit in the sun and chat after their scene.
Tianna Lynn: “I am a former addict. Porn changed me.”
Gene: “I’ve heard that from a couple of people, like Chloe.”
Tianna: “I got so much of it [drugs] that it made me sick.
“I graduated high school in two years. I had everything lined up. Then I freaked out. Where did my life go? I need to be a kid. I lost a year-and-a-half of my life because of crystal methamphetamine.
“The drugs I did make you horny but it was self satisfying. When I did coke, I didn’t want anybody touching me.”
Leah protests: “I used to get so horny when I did coke. I love to f— when I was on coke.”
Tianna: “These guys are so horny and they’re all over you but you know they’re not going to get hard.”
Tianna lost her virginity at age 15.
Tianna says porn will pay for her schooling. “In anything I do, I want to be the best I can be.
“I cum on my face when I cum. It sprays upwards.”
Gene: “That happens to me too. I can never avoid that.”
Tianna: “I tried porn a year-and-a-half ago for three weeks. They [my agent DK] booked me for everything I didn’t want to do — gangbang interracial anal. I was in the hospital three times. Allergic to lube. Being pounded too hard. My cervix closed up. My ass got torn up.
“I ended up doing a shoot at DK’s house. I had never lived in a house like that. He showed me this lifestyle that I could live. I ended up getting back on drugs in that house.
“I’m from Tucson, Arizona. I swore I’d never do porn again.
“I don’t have time for a serious relationship. Yeah, it would be nice to have someone to hold at night.”
Tianna’s roommate is Vanilla Sky (looks like Serenity). “She has got herself so together. I’m just going for whatever. Trial and error.”
Tianna looks at me: “You’re making me nervous.”
Gene: “He makes me nervous.”
Luke: “I’m a gentle soul.”
Gene: “Read the book. Oooh, what he writes about me. Gives me the chills.”
Tianna to Luke: “Do you think I’m a nut? The way you look at me.”
Tianna says that when she has a question about life, she opens her Bible and puts her finger on a text and “it applies to me somehow.”
Tianna wants to write a book about her life. “I’ve been through a lot in 20 years but I still wake up every day with a smile.”
Luke: “How old were you when you lost your virginity?”
Tianna goes silent. “Eight. That wasn’t my [choice]. I don’t really count that. I didn’t have my first conscious sex until I was 16. People say I should kill those people. I say, why? They have to live with themselves. I believe God will take care of them.
“I’ve been through such hell with guys yet I’m comfortable in my sexuality. I feel like I’m in control now. That was a problem. I’ve been in a lot of abusive relationships, yet I will go and have sex and have the guy choke me.”
Luke: “Because you want to recreate that abuse.”
Tianna: “Yes and no. I’m dominant to the point where I will let you know what I want and when I want it.”
Luke: “Do you disassociate during sex?”
Tianna: “I do. I put myself in a mental mindframe. That helps me enjoy it. I don’t see a problem. Unless I touch myself first and get pleasure, I feel scared.
“You’re giving me that look again. What is that look? I’m starving.”
Tiana Lynn Interview
I call her Friday at 6 p.m. about a report that she has Hepatitis C.
Tiana: “I think there are a lot of ignorant people out there who have no idea what they’re talking about. They fear things that they do not know. I am not contagious. I carry an antibody that I will get rid of. But I’ve already grown out of the Hepatitis. It was two years ago. My past drug history. I’ve already grown out of it. Therefore, I carry no viral load, nor will I ever. All I’ve got is an antibody that can not be contaminated to another person.
“The way everybody handled it. I’m having a hard time dealing with it as it is. It’s a mistake that I made when I was young and stupid. Everybody thinks it is a problem for them and they don’t even see how it is affecting my life.”
What happened between you and Tim of Naughty Modeling?
“He just decided to stop giving me work. Again, they don’t know what it’s really about. He wasn’t even concerned about his girl was having a hard time dealing with it as it is, let alone to completely change her life. There are a lot of people out there who are supporting me. Sharon [Mitchell]. I can talk to her anytime. I am most likely going to switch to condom-only if people have a problem with it.
“A lot of people who are former addicts know about this. They know how you get it and how you don’t get it.”
When did Tim drop you?
“He didn’t really drop me. Every day I called to see when I was working and all of a sudden, I wasn’t working.
“This was nobody’s business to begin with. If this was something I knew could harm the industry, then obviously I am going to take myself out of it. But I knew it wasn’t going to affect anybody else. Then his brother Chris, who helps him with the agency, thought I needed to take some time off.
“That’s what makes things worse. When you stop your daily routine, that makes things worse. Then all you do is sit around and think about it.”
Tiana Lynn has been shooting regularly for seven months, appearing in almost 100 movies. She’s shooting her own movies.
Luke: “Sharon Mitchell doesn’t have any problem with you working in the industry because she understands it is not contagious?”
Tiana: “Yes. Exactly. If anybody has any questions, they can call her directly and she can explain my case.
“This information is confidential and should not have been out in the first place.”
Rejoinder From Tim At Naughty Modeling
I call Tim at 6:15 p.m. Friday, October 8.
Luke: “I heard you dropped Tiana Lynn from your agency because she has Hepatitis C?”
Tim: “No, we didn’t drop her from our agency. I didn’t tell anybody that she had it. She was letting people know herself. I was not booking her for anything. As an agent, I have to wait to see what is going on. If she is working with other people, I can’t feel comfortable booking her and knowing that.”
She says that it is not contagious.
Tim: “She can say that. That’s coming from somebody who’s had problems with drugs and alcohol and in the past month has been kicked out of the place where she was living for punching another one of my girls. They were roommates. She got drunk and flipped out and started punching her. She’s been in a care home for a while because she had some problems.
“I don’t know anything about that kind of life, the drug life, because I don’t live it. I’m not going to take something from a 21-year old girl and go by it. You’ve been in this business forever. You know this.
“I haven’t talked to Sharon Mitchell yet.
“When [Tiana] does the right thing, when she’s on her medications, when she doesn’t drink, she’s a really good girl. She becomes a different person every time [she drinks and/or goes off her medication]. All she does is go back to and blame it on — I don’t know what I was doing.
“She should’ve checked up on this a long time ago.
“I have a pacemaker right now. I’ve had five heart surgeries. I don’t feel comfortable booking somebody who could give somebody else…”
Gene Ross writes: “I saw the woman in question this week. I remember in an interview how she told me she kicked drugs, however she was practically walking into walls.”
June 5, 2007: June 5: Luke: “Why do you choose to stay in the industry?”
Tiana (who attends church weekly): “It’s like a family to me.”
“I came in to this industry (five years ago) and it’s all I know out here. They took me under their wing and helped me grow up and become a woman and an adult.”
Luke: “What do you love and what do you hate about being a part of this industry?”
Tiana: “Wow. That’s a tough question that could get me in a lot of trouble.”
“What I love about my company is that we love to help people. We don’t have to lie to each other. Everything’s out in the open. No one’s judgmental. We’re all part of the same thing. But I do find it kinda confines you to this industry, you go out in public, you’re talking at dinner, you’re going over your titles for the month and the people next to you are leaving… It’s a little difficult because you don’t know when to leave your work at work.”
Luke: “It becomes all consuming.”
Tiana: “It definitely does. You eat, breathe and sleep porn.”
Luke: “How does it affect your relationships?”
Tiana: “When I was in the movies, I didn’t have a relationship.”
“I’m not ashamed of anything I did.”
“You’re going to need a really strong man because it is going to be intimidating to most men. Yes, it’s a little difficult.”
“I’ve gotten recognized at the strangest moments. I’m wearing my glasses. I’m in sweats and they’re like, ‘Could you sign this real quick?’
“At the grocery store, I had one guy follow me out to my car. I thought I stole something. He said, ‘Hey!’ He had me sign a business card.”
“Most of the people I’ve encountered have been polite and proper about it. They’re not creepy. They’re just genuinely excited.”
Luke: “You used to dabble in drugs. How did you get sober?”
Tiana: “The industry. I got out of the industry for a while, got my head together, got back in and got right back into the drugs. Then I got calls from Vivid, Digital Playground, Elegant Angel…and I realized that everybody is going to watch me if I f— up. I realized I needed to become a serious actress.”
“I’ve been three years off drugs two weekends ago.”
Luke: “Is it hard when you put yourself in these party situations?”
Tiana: “It is but he’s with me [a strapping young man] so that makes it much better.”
“I don’t think I need anybody to keep an eye on me. Just the companionship. It’s always easier when you’re both ordering two waters.”
“I try for new goals every day. I feed off education. If I’m not learning, I’m bored.”