The first thing I wanted to be as a kid was a Christian missionary. That dream lasted from about age five to about ten.
I saw some obstacles to my dream. Missionary work, particularly among the black people of Africa, seemed scary and unsafe. Also, I wasn’t that excited about Christianity. I was more interested in this worldly change. I didn’t want to be a professional Christian.
My greatest accomplishment is my blogging, in particular my 1998 scoop about Marc Wallice, the likely source of a string of infections in the porn industry.
Why am I proud of it? Because my reporting saved lives.
What did I have to overcome to accomplish this? I was alone in reporting this news. Reporters typically run in packs. I only had my own website. I had no credentials. I had no organization supporting me. I was out on a limb.
I felt like I was bringing down upon myself the wrath of an entire industry. My old sources were turning against me. I felt like a pariah.
It was not a story I could talk about in polite company. It was shameful. Who cares about what happens to porn people? That’s the attitude of mainstream society — that porners are dirt.
I swam in a sewer to report this story. I felt like I was falling into a moral abyss.
In 1997, I faxed a news tip — from the law office in Century City where I worked as a temp — to the Los Angeles Times about the HIV in porn story. I didn’t realize that a copy of everything faxed is spat out by a different part of the fax machine. Everybody in the office found out about what I had done and they laughed at me. I got fired. I got fired from several temp job for similar blunders.
I covered myself in shame but my good work was eventually acknowledged throughout the mainstream media (60 Minutes, Entertainment Tonight, etc).
I hope that I am flexible, courageous and hard-working enough to break more such stories in the future. I want to be Scoop Luke — the man in the know. I want prestige. I want to be in the middle of the action.
I wonder what I could do to get more scoops. I need to cultivate more sources. I want scoops that are more prestigious than the mayor’s marriage breaking up or HIV in porn. I want to bring down a corrupt rabbi or senator or president.
I am tired. I hope they find a cure for CFS soon.
Let your haters be your motivators.
Nov. 11. I had a nice chat with ****. I didn’t tell her about how much the Vicki* comment Sunday night hurt me. I guess I have just distanced myself. I had a spectacular writing workshop last night. I blew them away with my story.
I wonder how hurt I feel about **** as opposed to sad and resigned. If I am hurt and angry, then I must keep trying. If I am primarily sad and resigned, then it is time to move on.
It bothers me that she is so close with her ex-fiance and other lovers (male and female) and that she taunts me about them and how easily she can get laid.
I can’t get laid so easily. I have such strong Torah values.
I learned in Alexander Technique today about the difference between grabbing with my hands and letting my fingers lengthen as I place them on somebody. I found I could not be contemptuous or provocative while keeping my neck free of tension.