From the Sydney Morning Herald, July 13, 2006:
THERE was this sheila who came across a snake-in-the-grass with all the cunning of a con man. The snake asked her why she didn’t just grab lunch off the tree in her garden.
God, she said, had told her she’d be dead meat if her fruit salad came from that tree, but the snake told her she wouldn’t die. So she took a good squiz and then a bite and passed the fruit on to her bloke. Right then and there, they’d realised what they’d done and felt starkers.
So begins the Biblical account of the fall of mankind retold using "strine", or Australian vernacular.
The first instalment of Kel Richards’s Aussie Bible was a runaway bestseller, selling 100,000 copies since its August 2003 release.The second instalment gives the "Aussie" treatment to the Book of Genesis, Proverbs, the Gospel of John and John’s first letter, translating the stories of Adam and Eve and the beginning of time using well-worn, laconic Australian vernacular.
As Richards, wordsmith, journalist and committed Christian, puts it, God was tinkering around in his workshop when "out of the blue, God knocked up the whole bang lot".
For Bruce so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. No poofters.
– Bruce 3:16
"And Jesus broke the billawompus and and said ‘eat of this, for it’s my body that I have dingledinkumed for you’"
You call that a crown of a thorns?
*This* is a crown of thorns.Put another Savior on the crucifix for ya, mate?
Jesus… it’s Australian for Salvation.
"I reckon you should let my people go"
"Theh ah some ‘oo think Chroist put ‘is digiridoo in a sheila named Mary Magdalene."
The dingo got my baby jebus!
Commandment no.1: No Poofters
/Mary is a good Sheila, Bruce, and not at all stuck up.
And Jesus said to his new disciple, "Are you not called Bruce? That’s going to cause a bit of confusion!"
Oeyy, take this beer, for its me blood. The blood of the new and everlasting deal. Brake a deal, face the wheel.
"but then a Kiwi drove by, in ‘is ute. ‘E picked up the sick bloke, and drove ‘im to the pub for a bit of brekkie and a throw-down. Now, who was more of a neighbour to the sick bloke? Too right, mate. You lot otter do that."
And the disciples gathered at the last barbeque. Bruce handed each a vegemite sandwich and said "Get this inta ya. Its me right leg which kicked 50 points against St Kilda last season." After which he brough forth an icy cold beer and said "Everyone take a skull, the esky’s full".
Lo, the disciples partied into the night singing Cold Chisel hymns, till the cops came."And the Lord said ‘Eat, for this is my body,’ and we all said ‘strewth, mate, this could use a bit of Vegemite.’"
