I’ve had a lot of good ideas over the course of my life. I’ve had grand visions. I’ve had big dreams. But when I started to do the things I had to do to make my dreams come true, I often found that I was short of power.
I noticed in high school that I kept taking courses that were expressly named for the year below me (as a Junior, for example, I would take Sophomore Literature). I just wasn’t planning and executing right and I kept feeling behind. I think that started when I first entered school — second grade, at age eight. The other kids had been in school for years and were better socialized than me.
As I stumbled along, I found things that gave me fleeting power. I loved reading books. I loved dreaming dreams. I loved blissing out. I loved checking out into my fantasy world.
I took up jogging, eventually completing five marathons at age 12. Occasionally, I’d get an endorphin high and the miles would rush by and I’d feel strong and powerful. I knew I could conquer the world.
At times, I’ve been attractive to women, and my power came from my hold over them. At times, I’ve been on TV and in newspapers and on magazine covers, and that gave me a temporary boost.
When I fell in love with Judaism at age 23, that powered me, on and off, for decades. I was joining God’s Chosen People! Finally, I had made it.
I moved to Los Angeles in March of 1994 and I loved my new city. I had dreamed for at least 15 years of living here and the beauty of the women and the beauty of the climate gave me inklings of power. I told myself that the whole world wanted to live in LA but I had pulled it off.
I’ve had a gift for making and maintaining friendships and these connections gave me power. I knew I often lacked commonsense and so when I could take guidance from the wise, my life ran smoother. At times, families would adopt me and I’d feel connected and whole.
I spent ten years in psycho-therapy and the clarity I gained and the tools I was given empowered me. yet my life didn’t substantially improve. I kept finding intermittent hits of power, but nothing worked for long. I came to age 44 and my life wasn’t working and so I started going to 12-Step programs and I tapped into the power that comes from a genuine relationship with one’s Creator, the power that comes from taking a fearless moral inventory and taking responsibility for the harms I’ve done others and taking steps to right my wrongs and as I faced up to who I was, ‘fessed up to what I had done, stepped up to clean my side of the street, then my life started motoring.
In addition to working the 12 Steps, going to meetings, making and receiving outreach calls, and being of service to others, I found tremendous power from this one 5:30 a.m. phone meeting that for 18 months I let sponsor me (as real sponsors were hard to come by in this program). Every meeting I’d come away with one or two insights to put into practice that day, or to journal on that night, but it wasn’t primarily the information conveyed in the meeting that powered me, it was the vibration that came from listening to strong clear people share their individual messages of recovery. They’d allude to a little bit of the mess but their focus was on the message. It wasn’t the words they said that primarily moved me, it was the power behind their words that pushed me along. It was a power greater than them, greater than the group, it was the Power and by listening on the phone, I got a charge that would often last all day.
Here are things that give me power:
* Race, blood and soil
* Alexander Technique
Here are things that drain my power:
* Numbing out
Plenty of people who want into my life are downers. The more I interact with them, the worse I feel, and it doesn’t really matter how many limits I set or how honest I am about what they’re doing to bring me down. Plenty of people will just suck the life out of me if I let them, so I have to build walls to keep them away. At times, I have to be cold and brusque. I’ve tried to be of service countless times to these lost souls and it has always been useless. It’s apparently done them no good and me great harm.
As I progress in my recovery, people are less mysterious. I find that if I am doing my 12-Step work and other people confuse me, it is because they are trying to con me (consciously or unconsciously) and so I need to keep my distance from them. As I recover from my emotional addictions, I find it easier to speak up when other people invade my boundaries. As I grow up, I take steps to preserve my sanity and my power and I stop letting sickos drain me. I have to have power, man, and now I know where I can get it. Information can be powerful, but power isn’t purely informational. It’s not purely rational. It comes from the great beyond.
From the Youtube chat:
VisionaryCompanionDysthymia: the story of my life.
Killer Cross”Wisdom is learning from the past, living in the present and planning for the future.” Power = wisdom + experience. Good evening Luke.
Zed DezOh, so the phone call group was a Sponsor, not a Life Coach.
Tail of SpenceHello Zed Dez, nice seeing you here.
Greg Girardin’Command presence’.
Killer CrossThe feeling that they knew what they were doing. lol
Zed DezThis is why I always suggest people pursue the idea of self-mastery.
Zed DezGood to see you too @Tail of Spence !
Zed DezIt sounds as if you found a 12 step that does not sound like the ‘usual’ scenario.
Zed DezPretty much all that you’ve stated, Luke. I also deeply understand the idea of not letting ‘unclear’ or ‘unbalanced’ people or ideas enter my ‘space.’ Its as though I know I will be negatively effecte
Zed Dezd. Like a virus.
James EdwardWe are dreamer too! Hail Victory 1488
Zed DezAnything that is a stabilizing factor, i.e., race, traditions, family, rituals.
James EdwardZed let’s get married
Free 737373Happy and power are different things though. Muslim fundamentalist groups seem to give a great sense of power though happiness is pretty low.
Zed Dez@James Edward What a sweetheart. Blush.
Zed DezPower is a felt experience when you are in control of your mind, body and soul.
Spiritual ExperimentsWhat are your views on the works of Ralph Waldo Emerson?
Spiritual ExperimentsSpecific times, excellent balance of elements
James EdwardLuke do you have kids and if not than why not?
Free 737373I suspect your focus on the importance of ethnic/other forms of tribal identities may be a function of your personality and may not apply to those who are more individualistic/libertarian in nature?
Zed DezI wish people would talk more about what should be the definition of Leisure, which today is interpreted as entertainment or relaxation rather than time to develop yourself.
Zed DezThe more order you have in your life, the more resilient you are to chaos.
Spiritual ExperimentsTracking time. I rise at the same time every day, as a principle of power, etc..
Zed Dez@Spiritual Experiments Absolutely, sleep and eating should be regulated.
Free 737373How have you overcome or dealt with chronic fatigue syndrome?
Western ManHi lads. Fresh off the recent Joe rogan/Jordan Peterson interview. The more I listen to Peterson the more I am convinced he is the most salient/profound intellectual of our times.
Spiritual ExperimentsYes, Zed, this strikes a chord at the very center of us.
Spiritual ExperimentsWhat are your views on the works of Nietzsche?
Spiritual ExperimentsYes. Love of order.
Western ManPeterson is the avatar for the wests last ghast attempt at reaching some synthesis with Jewish power
Zed DezI read your list Luke, and most of mine are the same. I discovered this through the study of Nature Cure, Lifestyle Management, and the study of Chinese Medicine…and some Esoteric/Occult material.
Zed Dez@Western Man Darn I shouldn’t have unsubbed from Rogan.
Western Man@Zed Dez I don’t listen to many of his guests anymore but Peterson. Was an obvious watch
Western Man@Luke I use modafonil every now and then
Zed Dez@Western Man Without a doubt, with i’d known.
Western ManGreat stuff. Possibly the best cognitive enhancer out there. Very potent though
Sho shanaLuke you are a man of order.I am in disarray……
Zed DezI’ve used on myself, and on my clients Biofeedback and Brain Stimulator devices.
Spiritual ExperimentsIs Luvox a good antidepressant?
Western Man@Luke Ford if you had some advice for your 25 yr old self what it be? Drug/philosophical/health advice 👍🏻
Zed Dez@Spiritual Experiments I stay away from synthetic pharmaceuticals, but do use/suggest Chinese or European Eclectic herbology to manage dopamine/serotonin balance.
Zed DezI’m a Dr. of Acupuncture/Chinese Medicine and Chi-Gong.
Free 737373Luke, thanks a lot for these tips. Appreciate it. I just bought some modafinil and armodafinil while in India since it’s available over the counter there and hoping to get some good results with it.
Spiritual ExperimentsNIetzsche planted a love of Jewish genius in me, so I have been immune to the irrational degrees of anti-semitism surrounding us.
Spiritual ExperimentsThat, and a best friend who was Jewish. I am full Dutch myself.
Zed DezBefore you walk out of the door. Put a smile on your face, and expect to be the best thoughtful, kind and understanding person you can be. Don’t just expect constant resistance and negativity.
Free 737373I’m sorry Luke, I haven’t followed earlier, so I’m missing some context. What major addictions or bad behaviours had you struggled with in the past and worked to overcome?
Zed Dez@Luke Ford Sorry if you’ve discussed this in the past, but what inspired you to study, then practice, the Alexander Technique?
Western ManMicro dosing is growing in popularity. I’m not sure what to think of it. From what I’ve read there is too much potential for lsd/mushrooms to change your neural networks and decision making
Killer CrossPresident Trump is an emergency brake on a runaway train.
Zed DezExactly what my husbands middle brother does. Now he’s beside himself that in his 40’s he won’t have the family he now envies. He also was addicted to porno, but now it’s 20 year olds.
Western Man@Luke did you ever find Asians or blacks more sexually/aesthetically pleasing than white girls during your more degenerate years?
Greg Girardin@Western Man Micro dosing on what? LSD?
Greg Girardin@Luke Ford I’ve missed this. What was your health issue? CFS?
Free 737373I have an unhealthy obsession with pursuing women. I’d rather give up the chase, but I find it hard to ignore my sex drive, getting triggered by attractive women I see, and letting go of a..
Free 737373long-standing pattern of validation via sexual achievements. Any tips?
Western Man@greg ya lsd and psyliciban
Sho shanaLuke do respect all women now …all women plain old or has the porn made you hard and disrespectful.
Zed Dez@Western Man Please go listen to Jan Irvin/Gnostic Media on Psychedelics.
Zed DezGreat questions folks!
Zed DezThat’s beautiful Luke. Thank you for your brutal honesty.
Zed Dez@Yehoishophot Oliver Peace be with you.
Greg Girardin@Western I’ve heard of that. I would be curious to do a psychedelic once in my life. DMT, Psilocibin… see some aliens or spirits or whatnot 😃
Sho shanaIn my work and I am young I treat everyone..workers below me well it’s the classy thing to do.
Zed Dez@Sho shana It’s the respectful thing to do. Without those who do the lowliest of work, others are not able to do the jobs that require a stable and consistent society.
Free 737373Thanks for all the honesty and insight. How can I overcome my sexual urges and give up the chase?
Zed DezAnd viscerally repulsed by FAT men, which means they are weak men.
Yehoishophot Oliveryou too, zed 😃
Sho shananot all fat people can help it those on some meds are medically fat….i prefer to not judge…
Zed DezYes, you are right, Luke.
Zed Dez@Sho shana Yes, there are some cases where that is true. But, many that are obese are so because of bad choices.
Yehoishophot Oliverdoesnt addiction also stem from a lack of meaning and purpose in ones life, not just social ineptitude?
Zed DezI get power from being here with you Luke! xD
Greg Girardin@Luke Ford do you have any experience with psychedelics? (I don’t , just curious)
Zed Dez@Yehoishophot Oliver Yes.
Zed Dez@Greg Girardin It’s not the way to go my friend. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
Greg Girardin@Zed, I have no intention of trying them, Luke has had a lot of interesting experiences so I was wondering if that was one of them.
Zed DezYes, how can you be of service. It will clean out your soul. Rather than a taker, you love to live to fulfill love.
Zed Dez@Greg Girardin Just looking out for you, Love.
Greg Girardin@Zed, thanks man, I’m 45… way past experimenting 😃
Zed Dez@Greg Girardin Born in 69, I’m older than you. xD