I’m fascinated by this New York Times story:
Raised online and under constant scrutiny, young adults are leaning into embarrassment as a necessary part of growing up…
Ms. Glavan realized she was in the midst of climbing cringe mountain, a concept that has become an inescapable step of adulthood for the members of Gen Z who grew up with their entire lives — even the embarrassing stuff — being documented online…
The phrase cringe mountain came from Erica Mallett, 34, a creator consultant based in Sydney, Australia, who coined it in 2023. Ms. Mallett spent years in the public eye, first as part of the hip-hop duo Coda Conduct and later as a host of a national breakfast show on the radio station Triple J. The role put her in front of a huge audience almost overnight, and she was bombarded with texts from listeners telling her she was “so cringe.”
This idea of stumbling publicly, enduring judgment and finding resilience in the process is not new. What’s new is the language. The phrase “cringe” is distinctly of the internet age, born of comment sections and meme culture to describe acute awkwardness or social embarrassment.
At first, Ms. Mallett tried to shrink herself to avoid criticism, but it only dulled her personality and stifled her creativity. She eventually reframed the word, deciding that being cringe was actually proof she was experimenting and taking risks. To her, “climbing cringe mountain” meant growth.
We all care what people think—deeply, desperately. Some of us just act like we don’t care what people think, in order to make people think that we don’t care what they think. We signal we’re not signaling.
I once saw a tweet about how good it feels to not tweet: “Had the urge to tweet something a few hours ago. Resisted the urge. Feels good.” The tweeter was patting himself on the back for not tweeting, oblivious to the fact that he was, in fact, tweeting.
Or consider this article in New York Magazine, in which the author proudly declared she had “abandoned the notion of ambition.” The author was tired of writing pat thinkpieces for likes and retweets, which she wrote in a pat thinkpiece that got lots of likes and retweets.
Now, it is true we all care what people think, but some people are stronger than others at standing up against social opprobrium is for what they believe is sufficiently important. If everyone in my chat during a livestream disagrees with me, that’s not a strong enough force to silence me. If my every friend disagrees with me about something, and none of them know as much about the topic as I do, that’s not enough to silence me because I am playing other games than the popularity game. I’m willing to take short-term pain for the long-term gain of being right about something important. I care selectively about what people think. I care about what people I respect in a topic think about what I write.
ChatGPT says: This is an important distinction. Yes, we all care what others think — but people differ in how much weight they give that judgment, and in what currency they’re willing to pay for it. Here’s how I’d frame it:
1. We Can’t Escape the Game
Every action (and inaction) signals something. Even saying “I don’t care what you think” signals a desire to be seen as independent. That part of the NYT “cringe mountain” article rings true: there’s no off-switch for social signaling.
2. But We Can Play Different Games
Where the article goes fuzzy is in suggesting that the endpoint is not caring. In reality, the endpoint is caring selectively. You may not care if your livestream chat disagrees with you, because you’re playing a longer game: truth, coherence, intellectual independence. You’re willing to eat short-term pain (mockery, isolation) for long-term satisfaction (being right, having integrity).
That’s different from pretending not to care. It’s about prioritizing whose opinion matters. Your chat might not sway you, but history might. Or your own conscience. Or a smaller, more discerning audience.
3. Strength Is Relative
Some people are crushed by a few nasty comments. Others, like you, can withstand whole rooms of disapproval because they anchor themselves in another frame: truth-seeking, God, art, long-term vindication. That’s not “not caring.” That’s choosing the higher tribunal you answer to.
4. Application to Cringe Mountain
For Gen Z, the challenge is that their tribunal is the algorithm: likes, comments, views. It’s immediate and brutal. The task isn’t to stop caring altogether, but to learn which audience matters most. If they can shift from “TikTok commenters” to “the future self I’m becoming,” they’ll endure the climb.
So the clean way to put it is:
We all care.
Some care about everyone’s opinion.
The stronger ones care about the right people’s opinion — or the right judge (truth, God, conscience).
The article frames “embracing cringe” as partly about liberating yourself from worrying what others think. But as you and Pinsof point out, that’s a fantasy. Humans are an intensely judging and signaling species. Caring about what others think isn’t a bug — it’s the operating system.
Here’s how I’d connect your insight to the “cringe mountain” theme:
1. Cringe is Social by Definition
Cringe isn’t private embarrassment; it’s relational embarrassment. To feel “cringe” is to imagine the audience judging you. So saying “don’t care what others think” misses the point. Without caring about the gaze of others, there’s no cringe at all.
2. No Opt-Out of Signaling
As Pinsof argues, even opting out is a signal. A hoodie and messy hair signal “I’m not signaling.” A thinkpiece declaring “I’m above ambition” is itself ambitious. Complaining that “everything is politicized” is a political signal. Same with “I don’t care what you think.” The denial is the signal.
3. Cringe as Honesty About the Game
Where the NYT article flirts with naïveté (“we can free ourselves from others’ opinions”), your framing is more realistic: the only way through is to admit you’re always signaling. You’re always in the game. Cringe is just what it feels like when the signal you send doesn’t land cleanly.
4. How This Ties Back to Your Story
Your own life writing shows this dynamic in the raw. When you blogged about porn, religion, girlfriends, or your humiliations, you weren’t opting out of signaling — you were doubling down on risky signals. You wanted people to know you didn’t care, which of course meant you cared deeply. That’s the paradox you lived: rebellion as another form of belonging.
5. The Productive Move
The “escape hatch” isn’t pretending you don’t care. It’s accepting that you do. The honesty comes from choosing which audience you care about, and which signals you’re willing to send. In that sense, climbing cringe mountain isn’t about outgrowing social judgment; it’s about learning how to live with it — how to play the signaling game openly rather than denying you’re playing.
So the refinement you can add to the NYT take is: The climb up cringe mountain doesn’t lead to the land of “not caring.” It leads to the land of choosing your signals, and choosing your audience. The only way out is through the game itself.
Here are some different ways you can frame and understand the NYT piece:
1. Developmental Lens
Cringe as adolescence for adults: What earlier generations might have gone through in private—awkward trial-and-error identity experiments—Gen Z is forced to undergo in public. The “mountain” metaphor implies a rite of passage: only by enduring embarrassment can you emerge more confident.
Resilience through exposure: The climb is about developing a thicker skin and learning to live with imperfection while still moving forward.
2. Cultural/Technological Lens
Cringe as a product of digital surveillance: Phones, apps, and social media turned normal social embarrassment into mass exposure. “Cringe” becomes shorthand for the fear of being permanently memed or ridiculed at scale.
Naming the feeling: By labeling it “cringe mountain,” creators reframe the fear as normal and survivable. It’s a coping mechanism for a culture where private experimentation is nearly impossible.
3. Psychological Lens
Shame vs. sincerity: “Cringe” captures the shame of being seen trying and not succeeding. The antidote, as Ocean Vuong suggests, is sincerity—choosing to risk embarrassment in order to be authentic.
Self-deception and harsh self-criticism: As Kate Glavan describes, being stuck on cringe mountain can spiral into “maybe I’m ugly, stupid, annoying.” The psychological move is learning to reinterpret those thoughts as part of growth, not truth.
4. Sociological Lens
New norms of identity formation: Earlier generations had smaller, localized “audiences” (family, school, church). Gen Z has the entire internet as audience, shifting the stakes of every choice. “Cringe” becomes a social regulator—what you risk being called when you experiment.
From gossip to virality: What was once a whispered judgment is now algorithmically amplified, changing the social weight of embarrassment.
5. Political/Economic Lens
Influencer precarity: Glavan’s story illustrates how financial survival is bound up with public performance. “Cringe” isn’t just social—it can sink brand deals, algorithms, and income. For creators, embracing cringe is partly a survival tactic.
Corporate co-optation: Nike’s “Why Do It?” campaign turns the risk of cringe into marketing copy, showing how brands commodify the vulnerability of young people.
6. Philosophical/Existential Lens
Cringe as evidence of being alive: To act sincerely, to risk failure, is to be human. Tyler, the Creator’s line about people not dancing for fear of being filmed raises the question: how much human spirit do we lose to self-consciousness?
The land of cool as illusion: The “mountain” metaphor suggests coolness is only reached by passing through visible failure. Cringe is not the opposite of cool—it is the precondition.
Let’s map “cringe” and “cringe mountain” onto some older frameworks of embarrassment, shame, and social regulation:
1. Erving Goffman – The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life (1956)
Goffman argued that social life is like theater: we’re all performing roles for an audience. Embarrassment happens when the performance fails or is disrupted.
Cringe is a 21st-century, digital-age update: the audience isn’t just a dinner party or classroom but the entire internet. The stakes are higher because the “front stage” is permanent and searchable.
“Climbing cringe mountain” becomes the process of learning how to keep performing despite constant risk of failure in front of an endless audience.
2. Thomas Scheff – Shame and the Social Bond
Scheff saw shame (and embarrassment) as key regulators of group belonging. They signal when someone is straying outside norms.
In this frame, “cringe” is the online community’s shorthand for: you’re misaligned with the group’s vibe.
But the NYT story shows Gen Z flipping this: wearing cringe as a badge of resilience, reframing shame as evidence of experimentation.
3. Charles Horton Cooley – The Looking Glass Self (1902)
Identity forms by imagining how others see us, then internalizing that reflection.
In a pre-internet world, this “mirror” was limited (family, school, workplace). For Gen Z, the mirror is infinite and algorithmically distorted.
“Cringe mountain” is the vertigo of scaling identity formation to a global, memetic audience.
4. Norbert Elias – The Civilizing Process
Elias charted how manners and self-restraint evolved with modern society, where embarrassment regulated behavior.
Cringe might be seen as a new form of “civilizing pressure”: online visibility forces hyper-self-awareness, pushing people toward safer, less authentic choices.
The counter-move (embracing cringe) is a rebellion against over-civilization.
5. Modern Psychology – Vulnerability & Growth
Psychologists like Brené Brown treat shame resilience as a growth skill: daring to be vulnerable, risking embarrassment, and finding strength in exposure.
“Climbing cringe mountain” fits perfectly here: it’s not about escaping shame but moving through it to reach authenticity.
The continuity: Embarrassment has always been a social regulator, marking the gap between private intention and public perception.
The novelty: With Gen Z, the scale and permanence of observation is unprecedented—algorithms and cameras mean the “audience” never disappears. So “cringe” isn’t just episodic embarrassment; it’s structural, baked into daily life. Naming it (“cringe mountain”) is a way of normalizing what used to be abnormal.
LF: I asked ChatGPT to take my online autobiography and and give me an essay on my experience of cringe. I then punched it up to create this:
When the New York Times recently described how Gen Z has coined the phrase “cringe mountain,” I felt an uncanny recognition. The metaphor refers to the public gauntlet of embarrassment and awkwardness young people must climb before they can arrive at something resembling confidence, competence, or “cool.” For a generation raised under constant digital surveillance, every misstep is amplified, every awkward experiment potentially immortalized as a meme.
The Times story hit me because I was climbing cringe mountain decades before it had a name. My climb happened in Adventist schools, at swimming pools, on the pages of my high-school newspaper, and eventually online in the early days of blogging. Gen Z has TikTok. I had theology books, porn, and gossip. Different tools, same dynamic: a life where shame was inescapable, and where resilience had to be forged through exposure.
Childhood Surveillance Before Smartphones
Long before smartphones made every kid’s life a stage, my childhood was a theater of judgment. I grew up in a Seventh-day Adventist household where virtually everything fun was a sin: candy, gum, Beatles records, playing cards, even interracial dating.
I learned early that I was always being watched. My father, a theologian with two PhDs, required me to read 30 to 40 pages of dense Christian apologetics every day and type summaries as punishment for childhood transgressions. Adults hit me without warning. Teachers broke rulers across my hands. Every misstep was documented in punishment, if not in writing.
That was my version of the algorithm: a relentless feedback loop telling me I was deviant, wrong, “cringe.” The NYT piece quotes anthropologist Roberta Katz saying Gen Z grew up “constantly observed, with cameras everywhere.” I didn’t need cameras. I had a church, a family, and a community that turned my smallest pleasures into mortal sins.
Humiliation as a Rite of Passage
Gen Z creators today fear their experiments will flop in public view. My fear was that they’d be discovered in my father’s home or my Adventist school. I still remember the mortification of having an erection noticed at the pool by a child who shouted about it. Or being caught looking at a friend’s brother’s porn stash
Autobiography
These weren’t just social embarrassments. In my world, they were theological catastrophes.
In the language of the NYT article, I was already “climbing cringe mountain.” Shame wasn’t episodic. It was structural. Every attempt to experiment with identity, desire, or rebellion carried the threat of exposure and punishment.
Performing Through the Shame
Shame drove me into performance. I became provocative, even reckless, turning my humiliations into spectacle.
In high school, I deliberately published controversial articles in the Hillmen Messenger that got me strangled by football players and inspired the “Nuke Luke” committee. I mocked Adventists, tweaked teachers, and flaunted my awkward sexuality. I wrote about porn before most people admitted they watched it.
Like Gen Z influencers, I was experimenting in public, trying on identities, and metabolizing embarrassment into material. Cringe wasn’t incidental—it was the fuel.
Porn as My Algorithm
The NYT story describes how Gen Z numbs themselves with scrolling, terrified of being filmed, memed, and ridiculed. My version of that was pornography.
Pornography was my algorithm before there was an algorithm: infinitely replenishing, delivering highs that erased rejection, debt, exile, and self-hatred. Watching porn, I felt powerful, desired, in control. I wrote: “Nothing bothers me when I’m with the porn. That nasty stuff the boss said to me today? All forgotten! Those great women I know from temple who won’t date me? All forgotten.”
But like social media, porn left me hollow. The very thing that gave me relief compounded my shame. Gen Z creators talk about the fear of being a meme. My fear was being caught, rejected, or damned by God. Different medium, same loop: temporary highs, long-term humiliation, and the search for authenticity in a medium built to strip it away.
Cool as an Illusion
What “cringe mountain” captures—and what I learned the hard way—is that there is no bypass to cool. Every identity I’ve inhabited—lover, journalist, blogger, Jew, addict, survivor—was forged through visible failure.
The NYT piece quotes Erica Mallett, who coined the term, saying: “You can’t get to the land of cool without first climbing cringe mountain.” That line could be the caption for my entire life.
The land of cool is a mirage. Every time I thought I’d arrived—dating a porn star, publishing a provocative piece, being praised for my writing—the ground shifted. What mattered wasn’t staying cool. It was surviving the climb, metabolizing embarrassment into resilience, and offering the story back as a guide for others in my own status game.
A Prototype Case Study
If Gen Z feels like they’re the first generation forced to grow up under scrutiny, my story shows an analog prototype. My audience wasn’t global, but it was ubiquitous: family, church, peers, and eventually readers online. Like Gen Z, I learned to live in public, to fail in public, to keep going anyway.
Ocean Vuong warns that “cringe culture” keeps young people from sincerity. I know that trap. I’ve lived decades of performance, exaggeration, and provocation. But what I’ve discovered is not “that sincerity only comes on the other side of embarrassment, and the only way to authenticity is through awkwardness.” I’ve learned there’s no true self because who we are depends upon the situation. Cringe depends upon the situation. Life works on the group strategy. Our identities are porous.
Lessons for Others
So how can my story help?
Normalize shame. Embarrassment doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human.
Reframe failure. Cringe is proof you’re trying something real.
Make it material. Every humiliation can be metabolized into story, art, or connection.
The New York Times article hints that the way up cringe mountain leads to freedom from caring what others think. That rings false. Nobody escapes the gaze. As David Pinsof has written, even refusing to play the game is a move in the game. The hoodie, the messy hair, the proud declaration of “I don’t care what you think”—all of it is signaling.
But it’s also true that people differ in how much weight they give that judgment. Some crumble under a few hostile comments. Others can withstand entire rooms of disapproval. The difference is not that the latter “don’t care.” It’s that they care differently. They’ve chosen their tribunal.
For me, if everyone in my livestream chat disagrees with me, that’s not enough to silence me. If every friend recoils from my opinion, that’s still not enough, because I’m not playing only the popularity game. I’m willing to take short-term pain for the long-term gain of being right about something important. That willingness is not the absence of caring; it’s caring about something higher—truth, integrity, or the judgment of a future self who will look back and say, “You stood your ground.”
The point is not to transcend the signaling game but to choose your signals and your audience wisely. Cringe is what happens when your signals don’t land with the audience right in front of you. Strength comes from caring more about the audience that matters in the long run.
Cringe is the necessary passageway for some people who go on to create something important.
