It was our first time out. She was secular. I was Orthodox. We had met at a Shabbat dinner that Spring. Now we were having a weeknight meal at a kosher restaurant in 90035.
After the food arrived and we were stuck in, she said, “I’m very normal. I don’t do anal.”
We only had one more date, but during our brief time together, I think I managed to say to her about eight times, “I know. You’ve very normal. You don’t do anal.”
She’s now married.
As the Jew Norman Mailer said: “I will make one general observation: It’s very dangerous to stick it up a woman’s ass. It tends to make them more promiscuous…. A woman doesn’t want it up the ass because she’s doing her best to be faithful to that dull pup she’s got for a man, and she knows if it blasts into the center of her stubbornness, that’s the end of it. She won’t be able to hold her fidelity any longer.”
Ever since then that memorable night, I have thought it best to meet Jewish women for coffee and walks on the beach so they could disqualify themselves early on before I spring for the big meal.
In my experience, Jewish first dates tend to be a little wilder than Seventh-Day Adventist first dates.
In The Wolf of Wall Street, one clue that the movie is about Jews is when the father Max tells Jordan he never minded the bush on a woman.
* This very naughty Jewish girl tells me: “The more I think about it, the more I think I need to raise my non-existent children orthodox.”
“Is that why our religion is so strict? Because we are sluts left to our own devices?”
