How To Tell If She Wants You

From Men’s Health:

1. I call you by your first name instead of your nickname, because, babe, I’m not one of your buds, nor do I intend to become one.

2. I apply lip gloss often, but not in your presence. (If you witness makeup application of any sort, start calling yourself Chandler-you’re officially a friend.)

3. I rub my lips together often in your presence.

4. I sit at the edge of my seat.

5. It’s my birthday, and I’m still talking to you 10 minutes after you bought me a drink. (Note: Birthday girls of any age are easy-doubly so at decade markers.)

6. Instead of merlot, I order a Corona, which, conveniently, is served in a bottle-the better to sexily sip from.

7. My speech pattern is starting to resemble, like, Kirsten Dunst’s.

8. You smoke. I don’t. Yet I’m talking to you.

9. I touch you (for any reason) more than once.

10. I laugh, frequently and nervously, even amid humorless conversation.

11. I shout in your ear, because "it’s so loud in here, I can’t hear you!"

12. I use your name often in conversation.

13. I tell you that you look like some particular celebrity, which means I think both you and the celebrity are very hot.

14. I bring up antimatter and black holes, or any other such pseudobrainy and vaguely sexual topic for discussion.

15. The place is a rod-fest, yet I’m talking to you and you alone.

16. My cell phone rings and I don’t answer it. And I turn off my ringer immediately.

17. I say in a quasi-question/observation tone, "Your girlfriend must really like that?!" (A classic fishing-expedition tactic to ascertain whether there’s currently a woman with this title in your life.)

18. I tell you you’re talented. a) It’s a measured remark, so you know I’m sincere. b) By the Mick Jagger Laws of Chemistry, it must therefore follow that I think you’re damn sexy. Talent is personality salsa: adds hot to any dish.

19. I call you first. Or, sometimes, simply, I call you at all.

20. When you take me out for drinks, I’m wearing a different outfit or shoes or carrying a different handbag than when you saw me earlier today.

21. I’m late, but, interestingly, had enough time to put on mascara.

22. I tell you about the new Coldplay album, developments in the Pinochet case, or the new limited-release Dave Eggers novel I "just happened to hear about" because last time we spoke, you mentioned your interest in the London sound, international law, or postmodern literature, respectively.

23. I ask you if you know where the coatroom/bathroom/VIP room in this place is. When you tell me, I raise my eyebrows, turn, and walk in the correct direction.

24. I’m in the bathroom for more than 3 minutes, which is always more than adequate time to actually pee.

25. I ask if you want a taste of my dinner, meaning I’m willing to share more than my gnocchi.

26. You’ve taken over the starring role in all my fantasies. You have no way of detecting this, just thought you’d like to know . . .

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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