* During the rabbi’s sermon, these two guys next to me were whispering. A woman directly across the mechitza repeatedly opened up the curtain and told us to be quiet. The men kept talking. After five minutes, I forcefully shut the curtain on her. She ripped it open and I saw it was a friend of mine. I shrunk down in my chair. The guy next to me gave me a high-five.
* From 10pm to 3am when I can’t sleep, I listen to Dave Barry CDs, after 3 am and unable to sleep, I listen to Dr. Daniel Siegel lectures on brain chemistry and secure attachment. By 7 am, I get up no matter.
* “So she has a wonderful personality, a great body, looks like a model, and of course the first thing Luke asks her, ‘Are you a lesbian?'” (Friend)
* The more Orthodox Jews and liberal Jews interact, the more we hate each other and the more we realize it is best we go our separate ways.
* “If you came to my house, my wife would make you feel like a part of the family, but she’s not going to land on the moon. That’s a man’s job.” (Friend)
* I know what happened to that missing Malaysian plane! She turned his head, he turned the plane and they all kept on going until they ran out of gas.
* When something goes horribly wrong, like being unable to located this Malaysian plane after many days, my first suspicion is incompetence and my second suspicion is bad luck and my third suspicion is evil.
* My teachers often said I challenged them more than any other student and force them to clarify. My bosses say the same thing. “Why do you have to challenge everything?” My dates have said, “I feel like you’re always testing me.”
* My therapist asked me why I wasn’t doing more to move ahead in a career. I said my number one goal was to get sane.
* I say every Yid should have three passports for when the goyim turn on us. One for Europe, one for here, and one for a yellow country. We need to cover all the bases.
* I’ll never forget my shock in 1984 in Australia. A group of us were watching a movie and there were subtitles and this wife started saying them aloud. “I can read,” I said indignantly and then they explained that Johnny couldn’t read. I’d never had a friend before who couldn’t read.
* It’s such a gorgeous day outside, I feel like a right wally staying home all day, yet that’s what I’ll do, pursuing my intellectual and journalistic interests from the safety of my own computer, talking to my brother in Australia via Skype etc.
* A friend asked: “What can you and I do to help people have more enlightened attitudes toward others of different faiths?” I’m not sure it is worth it. The more respectful people are of other religions, the less committed they are to their own, and the less group cohesion they enjoy. Ethnic and religious bigotry ties people together. I love going to my Orthodox shul and bagging on those who are different. I have fond memories of the ridiculously exclusivist approach of my Avondale College heritage.
