From Amir Levine’s book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love:
The emotionally avoidant use these de-activating strategies (any behavior to squelch intimacy) to keep their partners at arm’s length (the more you use these tools, the more alone you will feel and the less happy you’ll be):
* Saying you’re not ready to commit but staying together anyway;
* Focusing on small imperfections of your partners;
* Pining after an ex;
* Flirting with others;
* Not saying I love you while implying you do have feelings;
* Pulling away when things are going well;
* Forming relationships with an impossible future;
* Checking out mentally when your partner is talking to you;
* Keeping secrets;
* Avoiding physical closeness such as walking ahead of your partner, not wanting to sleep in the same bed.
Though patterns that keep you from intimacy:
* Mistaking self-reliance for independence. Not relying on anyone.
* Seeing the worm instead of the apple.
* You train yourself not to care about how your partner is feeling. You say to yourself that you are not responsible for his state.
* Longing for the phantom ex allows you to keep your current partner at bay.
Eight actions that will get you closer to intimacy:
* Learn to identify your de-activating strategies.
* De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support.
* Find a secure partner. They tend to make their anxious and avoidant partners more secure. An anxious partner will exacerbate your avoidance.
* Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.
* Make a relationship gratitude list. Remind yourself that you tend to think negatively of your partner.
* Nix the phantom ex. Remind yourself that she was never a viable option.
* Forget about “The One”.
* Adopt the distraction strategy. If you are avoidant, it is easy to get closer to your partner if you focus on doing something else such as cooking or taking a hike or watching a movie together.
