I Did Not Watch ‘The Artist’

I’m not into silent films and I’m not into black and white films. So when The Artist came along, a black and white silent film, I gave it the big skip.

I also skipped the movies about how wondrous it is to cross-dress (Albert Nobbs) and how exciting it is to be gay (Beginners).

I like color and excitement and dialogue. If I wanted a silent film, I’d watch some old Charlie Chaplin. If I wanted to be gay, I’d just do it.

I have no interest in watching the Oscars. I’m a straight male. The only time I did that sort of nonsense was years ago when a hot girl invited me.

A few days before, I’d tried to make out with her in a synagogue parking lot. Then at the party, I tried to get her into the closet for a grope.

I completely struck out, which was just as well for my soul.

It turned out she was more into animal rescue than men.

A friend of mine went out with her soon after and got her back to her place one evening. He came away from the experience without a kiss or a cuddle but with a massive number of fleas.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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