I Did Not Watch ‘The Artist’

I’m not into silent films and I’m not into black and white films. So when The Artist came along, a black and white silent film, I gave it the big skip.

I also skipped the movies about how wondrous it is to cross-dress (Albert Nobbs) and how exciting it is to be gay (Beginners).

I like color and excitement and dialogue. If I wanted a silent film, I’d watch some old Charlie Chaplin. If I wanted to be gay, I’d just do it.

I have no interest in watching the Oscars. I’m a straight male. The only time I did that sort of nonsense was years ago when a hot girl invited me.

A few days before, I’d tried to make out with her in a synagogue parking lot. Then at the party, I tried to get her into the closet for a grope.

I completely struck out, which was just as well for my soul.

It turned out she was more into animal rescue than men.

A friend of mine went out with her soon after and got her back to her place one evening. He came away from the experience without a kiss or a cuddle but with a massive number of fleas.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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