Tens of thousands of singles congregate on the Upper West Side of Manhattan or the Pico-Robertson area of Los Angeles. They attend singles synagogues. They go to an endless variety of singles events. They date about 50 people each. And still no magic. They just don’t fall in love; they fail to develop an erotic spark.
But notice how in what is often referred to as the "ultra-Orthodox" community, where I was educated, this rarely happens. On the contrary, most men and women get engaged after dating, perhaps, their fourth or fifth person, and after dating for just a few weeks.
I know what you’re thinking. Yeah, you religious kooks will marry almost anybody. But give us a bit more credit for our discernment. The real reason we get engaged so much more quickly is that the two sexes have been largely separated since birth. When they finally do go out, they don’t need to be impressed with superlatives. They are attracted to good enough – someone who satisfies their needs – as opposed to mounting a 15-year search for "the best."
When our men and women go out, the date itself is erotic. The distance between men and women exists in the very educational structures, so that when the two are brought together, even in a non-sexual environment, an immediate sexual spark is felt. They go out and, guess what? They’re actually attracted to each other.
HUSBANDS and wives need to recapture some of that same erotic longing by ensuring they never grow into becoming the same person, and by always maintaining erotic differentiation.
The erotic mind works through differentiation. Sexual polarity is key. When, say, a husband wife become too alike, when they do everything together and never have any space apart, they begin to tire of one another. This is not only due to the loss of novelty, but, more importantly, to the loss of sexual polarity.
Here is a strong argument for the need for zones of privacy, even in marriage. Yes, when we marry, we become one flesh. But it’s important that we remain one flesh clothed in two bodies. We dare never become one person.
To be sure, I am a great believer in the most intense intimacy in marriage and would never advocate distance between husband and wife in the most important spheres. But there is a good reason why Jewish law says that a wife should preserve a modicum of modesty even in the bedroom, and that a husband should be careful never to attend to his hygienic needs in his wife’s presence. Not everything in marriage is designed to be shared.
