Rabbi Rabbs goes off on the Ten Commandments of Chabad Jews (I love Chabad and Aish HaTorah, but I enjoy hearing Rabbs’ rant):
* You shall accept the Rebbe into your heart as your personal Lord and savior, and even though you shall preach that Judaism forbids intermediaries between Jews and G-d, nevertheless, you shall secretly pray to the Rebbe at his grave
* You shall loudly proclaim that G-d created the Heavens and the Earth, but at the same time, you shall make ridiculous comments such as “The Rebbe Runs the World”, and you shall tell Jews to light Sabbath candles and put on Tefillin not because Judaism says so, but because the Messiah loves you
* You shall never publicly state that the Rebbe is dead, and you shall believe with absolute certainty that Elvis, Jim Morrison, and Michael Jackson are actually quite alive
* Even under threat of death, you shall never publicly state that the Rebbe is not the Moshiach, and you shall loudly proclaim that it is possible for a dead man to be the Messiah, even though the Rebbe himself said “The Messiah cannot come from the dead.”
* When asked to name a Jewish Holiday, instead of responding with Passover, Chanukah, Rosh Hashanah, or Yom Kippur, you shall respond with an obscure date on the calendar that has no relevance to anyone outside of Chabad, such as Yud This Kislev or Yud That Nissan, and you shall celebrate those dates by getting drunk and performing a séance for your dead rebbe, and then upon waking up in the morning, running to the living room to see if he delivered any presents overnight
* Even though you don’t grow long payas as the Ba‘al Shem Tov advised, you don’t wear your tallis katan over your shirt as Chasidus has championed, and you don’t even remotely dress like the other Chasidic groups, nevertheless, you shall not only claim that you are Chasidic, but that all of the other groups have it wrong
* You shall love all Jews regardless of their backgrounds, and you shall welcome them into your communities and homes, all for exactly six months, at which time, if they haven’t become Chabad and haven’t accepted the Rebbe into their heart, you shall ostracize them, turn them into a pariah, embarrass them publicly, spit at them as you pass by them, and even threaten them with physical violence — UNLESS, they still have long hair and wear an AC-DC t-shirt, in which case you shall continue to be nice to them because they are obviously less Jewish than you
* You shall champion an outright criminal that stole millions of dollars, violated various labor laws, and compromised kosher foods standards, and you shall falsely claim to do so because he is a fellow Jew, when in reality, if that crook weren’t a Chabad member, you’d let him fry in an electric chair, and when six Jews were murdered in a Chabad shul in India, including three rabbis, the only two victims you will ever mourn, post photos of, and consider to have been alive will be the Chabad couple that ran the shul
* Because you are allergic to all Torah-observant Jews who aren’t Chabad, you consider them a fungus in the way of the Moshiach, and you do your best not to associate with them, the most honest thing you shall ever do is on your Facebook Info page where it asks for religious views, rather than identifying yourself as Jewish, you shall instead state that you are Chabad.
* You shall not take offense to these 10 Commandments, and you shall turn the other cheek as Jesus has commanded, and instead of getting angry, you shall perform the greatest Mitzvah of all — use your energies to deface public property by covering nearby street signs with cool Rebbe bumper stickers.
