Serial Dater Rabbi Ally Discusses This Week’s Torah Portion

Ally writes the “Serial Datist” blog. She’s only 29 years old. She was raised Orthodox but in adulthood she’s become a tad less Orthodox.

Ally, a virgin until age 21, says she hasn’t done kiddush in six months even though she lives with her Orthodox parents.

Luke: “Do you fear G-d?”

Ally: “I don’t know. Like the bogeyman in the closet? Sure.”

Luke: “Do you have a list of shidduch questions?”

Ally: “I know everything about shidduchim. Why would I have a list of shidduch questions? I never want to be shidduched.”

Luke: “How many Orthodox guys have you dated in the past year?”

Ally: “Zero. In my life, I’ve dated mostly Orthodox guys. I’ve dated the big names like Schottenstein and Gutnick.”

“I grew up Orthodox. The more I pulled away, the less I felt connected. The more I didn’t want a religious life… I’m a free spirit. I don’t want to be judged for it.

“I hate dating secular Jews because they don’t get me and I don’t get them. From a religious background, I’m a judgmental person… I still have religious tendencies and they don’t understand.

“Dating a non-Jew is so much easier. I have social issues because I still think like a religious Jew. I don’t get asked if I keep Shabbat. I don’t get asked about my dietary restrictions. I don’t get judged for it.”

Luke: “How many guys have you been with in your life?”

Ally: “Definitely over 40.”

“I was sexually molested as a kid… After I was half and half with religion, I was very promiscuous. Poor self-esteem. I was feeling sorry for myself and thinking that sex would make me feel better. Finally, I got help for it.

“Growing up in the religious world made it very hard for this to happen to somebody because you can’t tell anybody. Nobody would understand it. I didn’t understand it. Unfortunately, it’s happened more than once in my life. I’ve made peace with it. I don’t tell the guys I’m with how many I’ve been with.”

Ally says the longest she’s waited has been eight dates. “I’ve always liked boys…from age seven.”

“I don’t want to be a part of those [non-Orthodox] movements because it feels like a step down.”

I boast about the gift of pink hydrangeas on my desk. “It makes me look cared for.”

Ally says that dating is hard in America. “Talking about marriage when you start going out with somebody is a death sentence in America. In Israel, it’s perfectly normal. People want to get married as soon as possible.”

Luke: “What traits do the guys you fall in love with have in common?”

Ally: “They’re all emotionally unavailable.”

“I go with the flow with everything. I feel like somebody who cares about me will be OK with that.”

“The whole wonderful thing about love is that you get hurt and you feel.”

Ally says that if she had a beard, she’d ponder too. “If I didn’t know you and just met you on the street, I’d feel weird about not covering my shoulders and my knees.”

Luke: “What do you miss about Orthodox Judaism?”

Ally: “Shabbat in Israel.”

“The more I disassociated from my past life [as an Orthodox Jew], the more I desensitized.”

“I used to work in outreach. I did kiruv. If I’m talking to a Jew and he doesn’t know when I say Shabbos or emes or Torah or Tanakh or Mishnah or shomer negiah. Talking to a Jew who doesn’t know anything is very hard.”

“The goyim are more interested in Judaism than secular Jews. Secular Jews could care less about your religion.”

Luke: “Do the [goyim] read books on Judaism?”

Ally: “Not really. I can tell them everything they need to know. I’m a book.”

“I just don’t like the strictness [of Orthodox Judaism]. I don’t like that I can’t be myself. I couldn’t do triathlons because it wasn’t tznious (modest). I like boys. I like to date.”

“I want to be me. I don’t want to live by anyone else’s standards.”

“I haven’t done drugs. I’m obsessed with exercise.”

“I don’t believe in putting on tefillin. I’m a woman.”

“Every time I do something that reminds me of my past [Orthodox] life makes me crazy.”

Luke: “What’s good and bad about sleeping with more than one guy?”

Ally: “With every sexual experience, you realize what is good sex and what is bad sex.”

“The only bad part is that when you sleep with someone, it confuses you emotionally. I do find myself having emotional attachment after sex.”

“I consider myself exceptionally smart.”

Luke: “Do you like to talk about Torah when you’re in bed?”

Ally: “No. I don’t like to talk about Torah at all. It reminds me of my past. I stopped saying the sh’ma a few months ago because it reminds me of my past. That’s the first time in 29 years.”

“I ate something very non-kosher the other night. I’ve been experimenting with non-kosher food because all of my life I’ve thought of it as poison. I’ve been really scared of non-kosher food. The other night, me and Danielle [almost made it through an RCC conversion to Orthodox Judaism] went out to dinner. She eats shrimp now. She put one on my plate. Because I’m freaking out mentally, I had the gag reflex, but I was OK. I swallowed and drank water and I was fine. My first taste of shell fish.”

Ally believes in G-d. “I take comfort in that there’s a stronger presence looking out for me. I almost got into a bad car accident the other day but I was all right.”

“All my life, I thought that if I turned a light on on Shabbat, I’d be struck by lightning. If I intentionally broke Shabbos to break it… I thought the first time I drove on Shabbat, I’d get into a car accident.

“To Jewish standards, I don’t fear G-d. To my standards, yeah, I do. I fear that if I don’t treat people the way I want to be treated, bad karma will come my way.”

Luke: “Do you believe G-d gave the Torah?”

Ally: “Yeah.”

Luke: “Do you believe it is still obligatory on us Jews?”

Ally: “Yeah. I don’t think G-d wants me to do stuff that makes me miserable. I felt miserable being an Orthodox Jew.”

Luke: “I’ve gotten over my jungle fever and now it’s just Torah fever.”

Chaim Amalek emails me: “As her friend, you need to advise her that Father Time will no more be kind to her than he is to anyone. In just a few more years she will suddenly discover that most of the men her age that she imagines should be into her are instead looking for younger versions of her. In short, she needs to stop “dating” and get serious about finding a man to marry and with whom to have her Jewish children. Otherwise, she can look forward to meeting men off of Craigslist. Tell her I’ll be waiting.”

maven: i want to know, as a serial datist, does she have a list of shiduch questions?
maven: what does she think of your 4 hour sex rule? Now’s your chance to validate whether girls agree with the theory
apikoris: ask her if it’s true that when a guy says he’s been with 9 women, he’s been with 3, and when a woman says she’s been with 3, she’s actually been with 300
maven: Has she done jdate? where does an ex-religious person find dates? What religious world did she come from?
maven: where does she find the “guy a week” she describes on her blog?
maven: where did she live in Israel?
maven: why did she leave? did she go to university there?
maven: Ranaana? Did she hang with the australians and south africans?
maven: how would she compare the dating life here vs ranaana or jerusalem
TheShiksaMenace: Jews do to much dating and not enough mating.
TheShiksaMenace: the secular, that is
TheShiksaMenace: date date date….dates are for eating, not socializing.
TheShiksaMenace: Are you two going to get to know each other better after this?
TheShiksaMenace: Is this a bais yakov girl? I’ve heard of them
TheShiksaMenace: Now translate, please
TheShiksaMenace: Luke, this is a good look for you.
TheShiksaMenace: Impressive
TheShiksaMenace: What happens if one trips and accidentally has beah with a needah?
TheShiksaMenace: Vas schreibt der Gemarra?
apikoris: ask her why Jewish chicks worship African Americans and want to have sex with Black men
TheShiksaMenace: Racist.
TheShiksaMenace: Why do so many Jewish men end up with Asian chicks (shiksa menace v.2)
TheShiksaMenace: Do you want to be with an Irish Catholic firemen, or would you rather be with a Jewish accountant?
TheShiksaMenace: Asian Chicks are NOT submissive
TheShiksaMenace: This woman craves Aryan men
TheShiksaMenace: How often do yo go to the mikvah?
TheShiksaMenace: Arm wrassle her
TheShiksaMenace: Show us more muscles
TheShiksaMenace: Terrific
TheShiksaMenace: feeble Jewess, you are no match for an aryan man like Luke!
apikoris: this s**t should be rated R
TheShiksaMenace: Do em
YourMoralLeader: she’s great
TheShiksaMenace: put luke in a thigh lock
YourMoralLeader: ok
TheShiksaMenace: LETS SEE THIS
User TheShiksaMenace changed their name to ChaimAmalek.
ChaimAmalek: Luke, you should drill her on torah before the night is out
ChaimAmalek: You are the shiznet
ChaimAmalek: he has a spare lulav
ChaimAmalek: and an esrog
ChaimAmalek: Show us your abs
apikoris: what sports does she excel at ?
ChaimAmalek: I like this chick’s genes
ChaimAmalek: Are you ovulating?
apikoris: this should be on LukeFord.com, not .net

ChaimAmalek: There need to be more Jewesses like you
ChaimAmalek: But don’t make the mistake of dating forever.
ChaimAmalek: It ends.
ChaimAmalek: Find a man and settle down.
ChaimAmalek: Luke, would you daven with her?
ChaimAmalek: If she works with special needs kids, then she can deal with you Luke
ChaimAmalek: I like this chick.
apikoris: did she say she’s from Maryland?
ChaimAmalek: Ask her if she believes in shabbos mitzvot
ChaimAmalek: See that? She made physical contact with you!
ChaimAmalek: Ally, show us your leg muscles
apikoris: bad sex is terrible. it leads to bad kissing
ChaimAmalek: Bad sex can lead to mixed dancing
ChaimAmalek: Luke, she is an athlete.
ChaimAmalek: How many men has she kissed?
ChaimAmalek: A woman can be too experienced, you know.
apikoris: how many men has she arm wrestled with?
ChaimAmalek: Men usually don’t want to marry women who are easy lays.
ChaimAmalek: Luke is seeing a therapist!
ChaimAmalek: Lots of them.
User apikoris changed their name to HasTherapist.
ChaimAmalek: Does blogging count as a physical activity?
ChaimAmalek: Luke is a very strong blogger
HasTherapist: do you arm wrestle on the first date?
ChaimAmalek: This is better than a visit from EMMA
ChaimAmalek: Nothing like a visit from a fertile woman to cheer things up
ChaimAmalek: Social theorists say one needs no more than nine – twelve potential mates to pick one we would be happy with
ChaimAmalek: This nice woman may be making hte mistake of over-dating.
ChaimAmalek: She needs to find Mr. Good Enough and settle down with him to make strong swimmer babies.
ChaimAmalek: 37!!!!!!!!!
ChaimAmalek: Huge mistake
ChaimAmalek: Persian Jews/yay or nay?
ChaimAmalek: Crap Luke, that’s a green light
guest5: she’s giving you all the signs!
guest5: ouch
ChaimAmalek: Luke has the Jewish cred, AND goyishe genes. Best of both worlds!
ChaimAmalek: She wants your genes
ChaimAmalek: How did you two meet?
HasTherapist: what does she think of Chabad?
ChaimAmalek: Luke, why haven’t you ever mentioned this gem to me?
ChaimAmalek: Ally, how do you feel about 350 pound men?
ChaimAmalek: Turetsky?
ChaimAmalek: Isn’t that the name of a prominent litvish rabbi?
ChaimAmalek: I would like to see a Google map of all her exes.
ChaimAmalek: I wonder if there is an app for that.
ChaimAmalek: What does pork taste like?
ChaimAmalek: How strong are your legs?
ChaimAmalek: Luke, why haven’t you mentioned her before?
ChaimAmalek: What has been holding you back?
ChaimAmalek: How tall is she?
ChaimAmalek: Do you believe in the Oral Law?
ChaimAmalek: Why hasn’t anyone made a good shidduck for her?
ChaimAmalek: I want to see her arm wrestle that Levinas woman
ChaimAmalek: Monica Osbourne
ChaimAmalek: Show us your muscular legs
HELLO: chaim, this is not that type of room
HELLO: oh oh
HasTherapist: whoa
ChaimAmalek: Terrific
HELLO: im a woman!!!!!! dont wanna see her legs lol
ChaimAmalek: works for me!
ChaimAmalek: Ask her if she is familiar with the work of Sharon Stone
HELLO: who the heck is, allyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
ChaimAmalek: this woman
ChaimAmalek: I think
HELLO: what woman
ChaimAmalek: that one
HasTherapist: where did she grow up?
HELLO: the woman talking
ChaimAmalek: Cross your legs
HELLO: <

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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