Rabbi: “Let’s just water down the Torah. That’s not even in my thinking. To me, the Torah is the truth and that’s it.”
“I have a joke book out… I used to work a day job in computers and I just make jokes about it. Writing books is fun but publishing books is a pain. It’s not worth it. If you knew how little money is in it, you wouldn’t do it. So I’m not going to go through that.”
“I’m suicidal, right? I don’t know if I’m going to make it the next 50 years. I don’t know if I’m going to make it the next 50 days. I may get so depressed after this interview that I’ll blow my head off tonight.”
Luke: “Can I film?”
Rabbi: “That would be too weird.”
Luke: “Maybe we can just do it on my live cam?”
Rabbi: “Nah. I think that’s going to gross me out.”
“I told my rabbi, when I go, publish it [book of essays]. After I’m dead, get this thing out there. And he said that he would do that. If I kill myself, he’ll publish it himself and put it on his website. I’ll become the frum Kurt Cobain. He’s more of an icon now. His legacy is after he killed himself. I’ll probably become more famous after I kill myself.”
Luke: “Is there anything you won’t do in your comedy?”
Rabbi: “I won’t go into my private life. I leave people out of it!”
Luke: “Do you wish you could say things but you won’t do it for whatever reason?”
Rabbi: “Depends on the room. If the people are drinking and they are a bunch of goyim, I’ll say what I want. If there happen to be Jews in there, I’ll be extra careful. I don’t perform for Jewish audiences because they can’t handle me on stage. Then I have to watch everything I say because somebody is going to get offended that a rabbi is saying these things. So I can’t say certain things. If I talk about sex, I’m going to lose the audience. If I start making a dick joke, the audience is gone. They’re going to start screaming at me. If I do the same joke in a room full of Sephardic Jews, they’ll laugh their asses off. If I do the same joke in a room full of Catholics, I’ll blow them away. The roof will fly off the top. My ultimate wet dream is to play a room full of Catholic people and I’d call that room a church.”
Luke: “Secular Ashkenazi Jews won’t care if you talk about sex.”
Rabbi: “They’re still not going to be comfortable that a rabbi is saying it. Unfortunately, they put me on a pedastal. They think a rabbi is some kind of holy guy… They expect you to be like Jesus Christ, some perfect person. A rabbi is just a teacher. It doesn’t mean anything else.”
