I’m humbled by how often my tendencies to bridle at authority interfere with my career success. I just don’t like being told what to do. It’s like I live my life in perpetual rebellion against anyone who reminds me of certain figures from my childhood.
I’m 45 and I’m still lashing out to my own detriment.
I get very humble at times and even grateful to the generosity of certain rabbis, certain teachers, certain authority figures who’ve guided me to a better life. Then my rebellious ways force them to set limits with me and I don’t deal well with these limits and I lash out and endanger these relationships.
“Nobody will tell me what to do!” That’s probably the most frequent thing I say to myself.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve hated student-teacher, parent-teacher conferences. I see again and again how my teachers only want to help me but I buck against their bridle. I hate that bit in my teeth. I want to race off and do my own thing, only I know that that direction leads to failure and humiliation.
So I’m going to take some deep breaths, try to let go a little bit of my instinctive rebellion, and listen more deeply to what my teachers tell me.
Despite the best of intentions, I’m right back at them the next day, pushing away their guidance, challenging their advice, pushing against their direction.
I am humbled by the way my rebellious attitudes keep costing me normal advancement and personal connection. I am humbled by how my rage keeps costing me relationships. I am humbled by how much my teachers want me to succeed. I am humbled by the faith they’ve placed in me.
I need my teachers’ approval to succeed in my chosen profession. I need their good will. I need their guidance. I am going to become the good student. I’m no longer gonna be the bad boy at school. I’m gonna be the rule-follower, not the rule-breaker.
