Here is an edited version of my review of Luke s memoir XXX-Communicated:
A Rebel Without a Shul. Some material had to be deleted so as
not to offend the delicate sensibilities of 15 year old girls who
love both Luke Ford and Doris Day.
The published version of XXX-Communicated features multiple
blurbs (the best being by hot intellectual babe Heather MacDonald:
A fable for our time. Heart-breaking yet uplifting. You ll cry,
you ll laugh, you ll study your Torah! ), three forewords, one
epilogue, and a revised final chapter, all of which I did not have
the opportunity to read in an earlier draft of the manuscript.
The first foreword is by Cathy (not Catherine) Seipp. By using her
non-professional name, Miss Seipp is obviously trying to distance
herself from Luke, or at least his past. She makes this clear in her
opening sentence: “The story you are about to read took place years
before Luke Ford met me … In other words, “don t confuse me
with any of Luke s XXX-rated girlfriends who appear throughout the
book.
How could a sensible observer make such a mistake? Oh, I don t know.
How about because Cathy tells us that Luke is “handsome, “beautiful,
“stylish, and “goo-goo eye[able]. Her lusty infatuation apparently
explains why she calls Luke s appalling p___ video What Women
What, “a small masterpiece. She also calls Luke s blog “Pinteresque.
I don t know what this means, but I suspect it is another hormone-induced,
over-the-top compliment.
If Luke Ford looked like Ted Kaczynski (and let s face it, there
are more than a few similarities between the two, especially if Luke
ever stops using Grecian Formula) there would be a heck of a lot less
of this female gushing going on.
Cathy continues: “Some readers (always women …) read his memoir
and are moved to tears. Why? Are these tears of laughter because
the book is so disjointed, and they can t believe that Luke thought
it was ready for publication? Or perhaps these are the tears of ex-girlfriends
who find that Luke has no sense of privacy and is writing about them
and their odd sexual proclivities?
We do find out how Luke and Cathy meet: it was on the way to an orgy.
Luke Ford was disguised as a moral leader and Cathy, a Hittite priestess.
Cool!
Foreword II is from Dave Deutsch, the world s worst Jewish comedian,
which features more lavish praise. This time with a disturbing homo-erotic
vibe.
Foreword III is from the great Mike Albo. (I love that guy!) For
a fat, bald, three-pack-a-day smoker, heroin addict, and rageaholic,
the ol boy sure can write.
Luke has also re-written the final chapter. It is quite touching.
If I was a girl, I probably would have cried upon reading that one
of Luke s rabbis called him “the most evil man he ever met. But
I m not a girl, so I laughed.
Luke goes on: “I want to believe that I have written a good book.
I want to believe my story has a point … I want to believe that
my story will inspire the reader …
Hey, I m just one person but I ve been inspired. For one thing,
I m going to start using Grecian Formula in the hope that a sexy
Hittite priestess will gush all over me. I know it is a long shot.
I do not even know where the Hittite part of town is. I m looking
at a map right now. Let s see, there is Chinatown, Little Italy,
Little India, but no friggin Little Hittitetown. Where does a nice
non-orgy going boy meet a hot Hittite girl these days. I m not picky.
She doesn t even have to be a princess.
I ve also been inspired to study religion, a topic I didn t take
seriously until six months ago. I m not about to convert to Judaism
(I see myself more as a neo-Platonist: spirituality for the sophisticated
set) but through my study of Christianity and Judaism, I have come
to a sincere appreciation of the moral profundity and intellectual
depth of these two great traditions — the received wisdom of thousands
of years of learning by trial and error, and rational and mystical
thought. Western Civilisation turns its back on this moral and intellectual
heritage at its peril.
Book Review
XXX-Communicated: A Rebel Without a Shul
Luke Ford (2004)
Self-published by Horrid Boy Press, Beverly Hills, California, 90210
From the Luke Ford
Fan Blog:
Luke Ford s memoir of his time as a porn journalist begins with
an attack upon our moral leader by a troglodyte named Mike Albo. Luke
s head is smashed “repeatedly against a light pole causing severe
brain damage. Thank goodness Luke survived, otherwise there would
be no autobiography for his fans and followers to study and savour.
At least that s what I thought before I actually started reading
XXX-Communicated: A Rebel Without a Shul. After plowing through
all 67,000+ words (consisting mostly of cut and pasted emails, transcribed
phone conversations and IM sessions with various pornographers, adult
film stars, and Orthodox rabbis) my view is somewhat less enthusiastic.
But first a little background.
I would be lying if I said that I had no knowledge of Luke s “old
life before I started my fan blog late last year. My earliest memory
of Luke Ford was an appearance with sexologist Bob Berkowitz on eYada.com,
a defunct Internet radio station, back in 2001. Luke, speaking in
the soft voice of a very naughty boy caught in the act, was in full
self-flagellation mode over his dual existence as a porn reporter/critic
and deeply religious orthodox Jewish convert. Although Luke s version
of this conversation differs from mine (I don t recall Berkowitz
being nearly as judgmental as Luke suggests in his memoir), his appearance
left an impression on me. I recall checking out LF.com, but not being
particularly interested in how the porn sausage is made, I soon drifted
away and almost completely forgot about Luke Ford.
A couple of years ago I became interested in the writings of James
C. Bennett, a UPI columnist and theorist of the Anglosphere. Looking
around UPI s website I found another columnist, Cathy Seipp, who
wrote mostly about cultural matters from a centre-right perspective.
There aren t many conservative female commentators and I was intrigued.
When UPI stopped offering its content online for free, I searched
Cathy Seipp s name to see if there was another way to read her weekly
column. I discovered that she had a blog and through Cathy
s World I was reacquainted, much to my surprise, with Luke. I
wondered, why would a highly-respected journalist like Cathy Seipp
be carrying on with an enfant terrible like Luke Ford?
Unfortunately there is no answer to this question in Luke s new
autobiography “XXX-Communicated. (I assume that the explanation
behind their tempestuous on-again, off-again romance lies in the power
of love — or at least good sex — to overwhelm a woman s commonsense.)
Instead the reader is treated to a steady stream of disjointed anecdotes
about some of the most revolting human beings on the planet. It makes
for a rather depressing study of what the human male is capable of
when freed from divinely-inspired moral guidance, at least that is
what Luke Ford would have his readers believe.
Luke defined the aim of his porn research in highminded terms: “I
ll penetrate the most religiously-challenged corner of modernity
with my newly-acquired Jewish conscience and come out the other side
with insights into the human condition. This sounds reasonable.
What is less reasonable is how Luke goes about doing this: i.e., by
making and acting in his own adult film titled, quite inappropriately,
What Women Want.
I m no expert, of course, but one has to wonder about the sanity
of a man who thinks that porn consumers want to watch a video featuring
the director prattling on about Dennis Prager s (a conservative Jewish
theologian) views on male-female relations. Talk about a mood killer.
And indeed, the market for a Prager-informed group sex (one woman
and five men) video failed to materialize, much to Luke s surprise
and disappointment: “[D]istributors return the movie by the case …
I end up giving away copies to my friends at my Reform temple. The
rest of Luke s autobiography confirms his otherworldly mental state.
In chapter 3 we are introduced to the bizarro world of porn journalism.
It s not a happy place. Luke feuds with his fellow writers, people
he apparently finds compelling but most readers, I suspect, will find
merely stupid and boring. Mark Kernes, of the Adult Video News, is
described as “old and ugly … he looks out at the world with beady,
suspicious, pig-like eyes, squinting between jowels [sic] of fat.
Luke wasn t very popular with his colleagues.
Even at this early point, Luke s memoir is largely a cut and paste
affair. Unable to shape his material into a coherent whole made up
of persuasively argued parts, Luke relies instead on recycling passages
from his diary. For example, as part of his “research Luke visits
fifty-something porn queen Kitten Natividad &
Scholars, like Luke, call this field work, I think &.
Excruciating details follow. Luke s telling of his encounter with
Kitten Natividad has the fingerprints of his editor, Cathy Seipp,
all over it. One can easily imagine the bawdy Miss Seipp, sitting
next to Luke as they go over his manuscript, saying “don t forget
the bum reference. That s the kind of writing readers expect these
days. I give it too them and you should, too.
Luke cuts quite a path through the porn community, having sex with
porn stars while moralizing about the evils of promiscuity. Not surprisingly,
enemies are made all over the San Fernando Valley. Luke s biggest
foe is a gentleman named Mike Albo of Hustler magazine s “Erotic
Video Guide :
You are a total moron. You are an idiot. You are a loser.
I ve been hearing about all your Internet activities. You re a
fucking goofball. You just better hope that we don t meet up because
it s not going to be a pretty situation. Judging from the yarmulke
you wear on your pointy little pinhead, you must be a religious
man. If I were you, I would pray that you don t run into me.
[...]
You fucking faggot, I just want to let you know that I m going
to kill you. You re a real dickhead. I don t know how you think
that there s going to be no consequences for the shit that you
do. But there is, big time. And I m going to love being one of
the people that delivers it to you, pal.
Luke s research not only angers the porn community, it also causes
his religious friends to shake their heads in disbelief. Even Dennis
Prager, Luke s Jewish father figure, abandons him:
Since I have allegedly played such a positive role in your
life, I would assume good works would flow — especially toward me
from you. Apparently my influence has been nil except in the most
superficial sense. I truly am curious — does it bother you how you
have alienated me?
But Luke carries on undeterred, convinced that by exposing the porn
industry s negligence over AIDS he is saving lives.
Page after page follows of Luke s relentless anti-porn muckraking
and the widespread animosity that results. It s depressing fare,
but the occasional amusing anecdote breaks the tedium. For instance,
one day at the drug store:
A middle-aged woman approaches me. “I m getting a special
feeling about you, she says and hands me her card. She s a psychic.
You should come see me soon. I ll give you a special rate.
Coupon-clipper Luke isn t one to pass up a bargain:
I have my tarot cards read ($30) and they seem to unveil my
life. Moved, I pour out my problems.
A believer, I now visit the gypsy regularly. On her instructions,
I buy candles from her for $100 each and exotic spices ($200) that
I mix with water and pour over myself in the shower before leaving
for synagogue Sabbath morning.
I buy crystals ($150) from her that I grasp in my hand every
day when I dream about what I want. I buy a charm ($100) to put
in my pillow.
[...]
After spending $1200, receiving no further improvements in
my lot, I give up on the psychic.
What a shame. At least Luke, unlike all the psychic s other customers,
got the “special rate.
Mostly though the book chronicles Luke s immersion in the world
of porn and his rapid moral, physical, and psychological decline.
As a sign of his deterioration, Chaim Amalek, one of Luke s many
personalities, appears. As the book becomes more introspective
it also becomes more interesting (and creepy).
Near the end of his memoir, Luke visits Israel in an attempt to find
himself. Just as he begins to experience a measure of healing and
happiness the book abruptly stops. The reader is left with more questions
than answers.
I hope I m not leaving the impression that “XXX-Communicated is
more coherent than it really is. In truth, it s a bit of an organizational
mess. Although the memoir develops mostly along chronological lines,
every so often Luke throws in a thematic chapter. For example, chapter
seven is purportedly about race. But Luke doesn t do essays. And
it shows. The chapter is a hodgepodge of personal reflections (on
his sexual conquests of black women), intemperate observations about
race and pornography, and relentless questioning of black male actors
about their penises (size, blood flow, etc.), a topic about which
Luke is oddly fascinated. For all his scholarly pretensions, Luke
obviously hasn t spent nearly as much time in the stacks as he has
out in the field. The seminal work on this subject is the late Calvin
Hernton s 1965 book “Sex and Racism in America, which is still
strikingly relevant today. But Luke isn t interested. In fact, he
quickly loses interest in the topic altogether and instead offers
off-topic profiles of white performers, including “good friend Kendra
Jade.
We learn an awful lot about porn journalists like Mike Albo in Luke
s memoir, so much so it almost reads like the unauthorized Mike Albo
story, but nothing about the people who are important in Luke s life
today, most especially real journalist Cathy Seipp. How did Luke meet
Cathy? What was her initial impression of him? Was it love at first
sight? How many dates did it take before she got lucky and intimately
experienced the self-proclaimed “Deon Sanders Of Lovers in action?
On average how many times per day did they have sex? Five times? Ten?
More? Perhaps this more recent phase of Luke Ford s life will be
explored in volume two of “XXX-Communicated: When Luke Met Cathy.
In the meantime, I can t recommend volume one of our moral leader
s life story to any but Luke s most dedicated fans and friends.
Overall Grade: B+
Strengthens: Amusing in places; some psychological insight into what
makes Horrid Boy tick
Weaknesses: Choppy writing; poor organization; general incoherence