\u2014 \u201cWelcome to Negro Night here in Washington. Or as Fox News will report, \u2018Two thugs disrupt elegant dinner in DC.’\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cNice to be here, though, at the White House correspondents\u2019 dinner where, as you know, they\u2019re gonna call it next year, \u2018Donald Trump Hosts a Luxurious Dinner Paid For By Mexico.’\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cA little bit about me: I am a black man who replaced a white man who pretended to be a TV newscaster. So yeah, in that way, Lester Holt and I have a lot in common.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI can\u2019t understand why everybody treats Donald Trump with kid gloves. Then I realize they\u2019re the only gloves that will fit his stupid little baby hands.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 To Obama: \u201cI saw you hanging out with NBA players like Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors. That was cool. You know, it kind of makes sense too, because both of you like raining down bombs on people from long distances.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cSpeaking of drones, how is Wolf Blitzer still on television? Ask a follow up question! Hey Wolf, I\u2019m ready to project tonight\u2019s winner: Anyone that isn\u2019t watching \u2018The Situation Room.’\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI have to say about the first lady, it is so nice to have dinner with you. She is the epitome of grace, class, and poise. Isn\u2019t she? She really is. Not to be confused with future first gentleman Bill Clinton whose three favorite strippers are named Grace, Class, and Poise.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cSome of America\u2019s finest black journalists are here tonight. Don Lemon\u2019s here, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cHillary [Clinton] was flustered when a Black Lives Matter protester challenged her. I haven\u2019t seen a white lady that upset over being blindsided by a black person since Kelly Ripa.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cThe Treasury promised to put Harriet Tubman\u2019s face on the $10 bill, but now we have to wait until 2030 for the $20 bill. Man, women haven\u2019t been this deceived by a Bill since Cosby.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cChris Christie was supposed to be here tonight. I don\u2019t know if he made it. He RSVPd for three: He, his wife, and Donald Trump\u2019s dry-cleaning. I shouldn\u2019t make fun. Chris lost a lot of weight recently, didn\u2019t he? This is what he said, he said he just eliminated everything from his routine that wasn\u2019t necessary. Like his self-pride and dignity.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cMan, everybody hates Ted Cruz. Even OJ Simpson said, \u2018That guy is just hard to like.’\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cThere\u2019s a joke going around the Internet that Ted Cruz is actually the Zodiac Killer. I\u2019m not making that up. Come on, that is absurd. Some people actually liked the Zodiac Killer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cJohn Boehner came out of retirement and described Ted Cruz as Lucifer in the flesh. Lucifer. I mean that is not fair, man. Lucifer is horrible \u2014 but he\u2019s not the Zodiac Killer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cMSNBC is here tonight. Yep, which actually now stands for \u2018Missing a Significant Number of Black Correspondents\u2019. . . MSNBC got rid of so many black people, I thought Boko Haram was running that network.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cYou look terrible, Mr. President. No, you do, man. Look at you. Your hair is so white it tried to punch me at a Trump rally.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI am impressed with the people in this room. There are so many rich, powerful people in this room. You know, it\u2019s nice to finally match the names to the faces in the Panama Papers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cC-SPAN, of course, is carrying tonight\u2019s dinner live. . . Which is ironic because most of the viewers are not. It is true, guys. C-SPAN is the number-one network among people who died watching TV and no one\u2018s found them yet. No, but it is good to be on C-SPAN. I am glad I am not on your rival network \u2018No Input HDMI-1.’\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cCNN\u2019s here tonight. I have not watched CNN for a long time. I used to watch it back when it was a news network. I don\u2019t know about you guys, but I cannot get enough of that CNN countdown clock. Now we can see exactly when they hit zero in the ratings.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI am confused with Bernie Sanders\u2019s stance on guns. He seems to be anti-gun everywhere except Vermont. Bernie doesn\u2019t care who gets a gun in Vermont. [fake whispers] There are no black people in Vermont.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cBernie got in trouble for saying Hillary Clinton was unqualified. She is extremely qualified. In fact, when you factor in all of her policy flip-flops, she is at least several of the most qualified candidates ever to run for president.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cDonald Trump looks like the rich dad in every episode of \u2018Law & Order\u2019 where the frat kid accidentally strangles a hooker. Or as they say here at the Washington Hilton, Tuesdays.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cThe president and first lady will return to private life. It is going to be different for you guys. Nobody to wash the dishes or change the bed linens, sweep the floors. You are going to miss Joe Biden.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u201cI just got a note from the president saying that if you want another drink you should order it now because the bar will be closing down. Of course, he said the same thing about Guantanamo so you have at least another eight years.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u2014 \u201cWelcome to Negro Night here in Washington. Or as Fox News will report, \u2018Two thugs disrupt elegant dinner in DC.’\u201d \u2014 \u201cNice to be here, though, at the White House correspondents\u2019 dinner where, as you know, they\u2019re gonna call … Continue reading