* About three years ago, I made the mistake of telling this nine-year-old girl that I smoke cigars (she had been propagandized at school that this was evil). I was kidding. I do not smoke anything. Ever since, however, she has grown a big frown whenever she’s seen me and she starts hating on me. "You’re a smoker!" I try to tell her that I was just kidding but she doesn’t believe me. She’s about to celebrate her bat mitzvah and she treats me like dirt. One of these days, I need to tell her, "It is not appropriate for you to talk to an adult that way."<\/p>\n
* I was at a potluck the other day. The kugel looked particularly appetizing. As I opened my mouth, I inadvertently sent a fine spray of saliva over the whole thing.<\/p>\n
* This past week, when I talked up Kundalini Yoga to people, they told me that it does not give them a strong enough workout. "If you’re primarily looking for a workout, Kundalini Yoga is not for you," I respond. "It is for people who want a total experience of chanting, meditating, lecture, stretching, workout."<\/p>\n
* I had a delicious breakfast burrito at Schwartz’s Bakery on Pico<\/a> Sunday morning. I ask my shiksa, "Have you ever had a boyfriend who cheated on you?"<\/p>\n "Once," she replies.<\/p>\n "How did you find out?"<\/p>\n "I saw it in my dream. I’m really intuitive and when something is going wrong with someone who is close to me, I feel it. I dreamed he was kissing this girl Sarah. I called him about it and he eventually confessed.<\/p>\n "He was really straight. He didn’t drink. He went to church every Sunday. All guys who don’t drink are cheaters. They are so straight in everything else, they cheat sexually.<\/p>\n "I have a Mexican friend who was married to an illegal alien. She told me, ‘All men who don’t drink are cheaters.’ She deported him."<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" * About three years ago, I made the mistake of telling this nine-year-old girl that I smoke cigars (she had been propagandized at school that this was evil). I was kidding. I do not smoke anything. Ever since, however, she … Continue reading