{"id":7670,"date":"2008-12-23T15:00:51","date_gmt":"2008-12-23T23:00:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=7670"},"modified":"2008-12-23T15:17:38","modified_gmt":"2008-12-23T23:17:38","slug":"as-pico-robertson-turns","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=7670","title":{"rendered":"As Pico-Robertson Turns"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’ve decided to add a fictional soap opera to my website. Here’s part one:<\/em><\/p>\n

I hit Makor on a Friday night. I was kicked out last year after a dozen women complained to the rabbi that I used sexual
\ninnuendoes.<\/p>\n

Tonight the dinner is at the home of friends of friends of mine. I feel that makes it OK for me to go.<\/p>\n

I sit serene, practicing my Alexander Technique and opening up to the universe.<\/p>\n

After buttoning my tongue for a few hours, I kick it up a notch over dessert and approach an attractive brunette named Marlene Cohen. She whips off her sweater, complaining about the heat.<\/p>\n

“That’s a good sign,” I smile.<\/p>\n

She smiles back.<\/p>\n

After an hour of conversation (we agree on nothing) and Torah study, I walk her home. Equivocating for a minute, she invites me in and asks if I want a drink. I take a glass of water.<\/p>\n

We sit on opposite sides of the room and talk awkwardly. Then I ask to massage her feet. She agrees. I fondle them for ten minutes and communicate far more effectively with my hands than with my words.<\/p>\n

She sits up and kisses me. After a break to wash up, we make-out until she suggests we move into her room.<\/p>\n

Thank God I’m always armed when I go to Jewish events.<\/p>\n

As we undress, I learn my Sabbath bride is a “crunchy granola” feminist from U.C. Berkeley who’s just entered American Jewish University’s rabbinical school.<\/p>\n

Down to our underwear, we slide into bed. She clambers on top of me.<\/p>\n

“I like to talk Torah in bed,” she whispers.<\/p>\n

“So do I.”<\/p>\n

“I was arrested in San Francisco a couple of weeks ago,” she confesses, “for having sex in the back of a car. With a woman.”<\/p>\n

I catch my breath.<\/p>\n

We roll around in bed like Jews starved for kiddish. I can do anything but be on top of her. The missionary position is forbidden because it represents male domination of women. Like a sergeant in boot camp, she commands me on what I should do, when, and where. I’m told to shut up with my Republican nonsense, and to stop joking about rape.<\/p>\n

In the morning, I leave for shul hoping I’ve cemented my ties to a woman and to a community. It is not to be.<\/p>\n

The rabbi finds me at kiddish. “While I honor your humanity," he says, "I must ask you again to stay away from Makor events, even if they are held at the home of your friends.” I reluctantly agree.<\/p>\n

Saturday day, when I call my lover, she says we have nothing in common but sex. I says that’s reason enough to get together again but she says no.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve decided to add a fictional soap opera to my website. Here’s part one: I hit Makor on a Friday night. I was kicked out last year after a dozen women complained to the rabbi that I used sexual innuendoes. … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13589],"tags":[14944,14945,14946,14943,13857,2052],"class_list":["post-7670","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","tag-crunchy-granola","tag-domination-of-women","tag-male-domination","tag-sexual-innuendoes","tag-soap-opera","tag-torah-study"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t