{"id":44793,"date":"2012-07-05T12:55:31","date_gmt":"2012-07-05T20:55:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=44793"},"modified":"2013-01-24T23:14:05","modified_gmt":"2013-01-25T07:14:05","slug":"step-one-of-the-12-steps","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=44793","title":{"rendered":"Step One Of The Twelve Steps"},"content":{"rendered":"

I admitted that my life had become unmanageable.<\/em><\/p>\n

Step Two<\/a> Step Three<\/a> Step Four<\/a><\/p>\n

This took me many years to admit. Though I was rarely thrilled with my life, it never occurred to me to 12-step because I thought that such programs were for the weak-willed and I was not weak willed. I did nothing that I could not control. I was the master of my destiny.<\/p>\n

Early on in my life, I developed bottom-line behaviors that I would avoid. I did not call them “bottom line behaviors”. I’d never heard of such a term. But I knew there were things that were bad for me.<\/p>\n

Many of my classmates at primary school at Avondale College in Australia were into buggering each other and animals. Though I was eager to explore sex, I decided early on that such activity was not for me.<\/p>\n

I grew up a little. I decided I would not wait until marriage to have sex, but I would always behave ethically. No married women. No cheating. Nobody under-age. Nothing illegal. And I stuck to that. <\/p>\n

Looking back, I see that I was just managing my addictions.<\/p>\n

With the exception of my years 18-22, I’ve always felt a need for God. After falling into the morass of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at age 22, I knew that I would destroy myself if left to my own devices. I needed not just God but organized religion. <\/p>\n

So I converted to Judaism. But my demons remained. They weren’t even tamed. I took my addictions into the synagogue and after hundreds of hours studying Torah, they were still untamed. <\/p>\n

I had converted to Judaism so that I could chase shiksas. <\/p>\n

Then the internet came along and all the things I had fantasized about, I could now find video of them online. I knew I needed to do something about this problem, so I decided to write about the industry, investigate it, and thereby innoculate myself from its charms. And I felt like that largely worked, even as it socially isolated me and left me unfit to marry any decent girl.<\/p>\n

When I stopped writing on XXX in 2007, the demons returned stronger than ever. <\/p>\n

In 2009, I had what I regarded as my best relationship ever, but like the rest of them, it didn’t last beyond a year and was filled with me idealizing somebody who wasn’t there, blaming her for failing to live up to my projections. I obsessed about her and became dependent on her and in the end I wasn’t man enough for her.<\/p>\n

Since 2008 I’ve been in therapy (and intermittently during the years before that). Twelve step was an after-thought. I came to it by accident. My defenses were down. I stopped intellectualizing about it and decided to try it on pragmatic grounds. I didn’t worry about buying the program. I just wanted to try the program. And as soon as I did, I felt better.<\/p>\n

As the 12-steppers say, going to meetings makes you feel better, but only working the steps helps you to get better.<\/p>\n

So step one is just a clear declaration of something I’ve known since I was 22. I need not just God and organized religion, but a community of 12-steppers who grapple with similar problems to what ail me.<\/p>\n

My addictions to romantic and sexual obsession were warping my practice of religion, my choice of profession, and the way I interacted with people.<\/p>\n

My addiction keeps shifting. I notice that when I feel bereft, I often tune into Facebook to get a hit of connection. I make a provocative status update to get some attention. <\/p>\n

Why have I always felt most alive when looking at porn?<\/p>\n

I was stuck in two types of romantic relationships — with pathetic irresponsible girls and those high-achieving types who had contempt for me. Neither worked.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I admitted that my life had become unmanageable. Step Two Step Three Step Four This took me many years to admit. Though I was rarely thrilled with my life, it never occurred to me to 12-step because I thought that … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[26369,21],"tags":[29452,11735,7070,1972,20303,29451],"class_list":["post-44793","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-addiction","category-personal","tag-12-steps","tag-avondale-college","tag-chronic-fatigue-syndrome","tag-classmates","tag-married-women","tag-morass"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44793","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=44793"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44793\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":48153,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44793\/revisions\/48153"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=44793"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=44793"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=44793"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}