I’m easily shaken. This morning as I was reading Instapundit, my computer monitor stopped working. I couldn’t fix it in the 15 minutes I had before I left for school so during the three hours of my training this morning, I was weighed down by worries about my computer (finally fixed by 2pm).<\/p>\n
“Are you coming down with something?” I was asked at one point. People picked up on my glum mood.<\/p>\n
I’m easily shaken. I’m lacking in emotional resilience. If I have computer trouble or any technical trouble, be it with my car or vacuum cleaner or stove or DVD player or TV, I get thrown and this problem becomes all I can think about. If a girl I like does not return my call in 24 hours, I’m thrown. I get obsessed. That missing tile in my ceiling is all I can think about.<\/p>\n
This is symptom of my lack of connection. If I shouldered more adult responsibilities, if I was responsible for more in life than just myself, I wouldn’t be so thrown by these petty difficulties.<\/p>\n
My life is pretty empty. I’ve spent half of my Thanksgivings alone the past 15 years. I’m not connected in a deep way to other people. And to shield myself from this shame, I invent ways of imagining myself as grand. My grandiosity is a protection from my fears that I’m not enough.<\/p>\n
I’ve been emotionally affected by my interview with Bill Plake<\/a> last night. When I asked him when he became confident in his Alexander teaching, he said that over time, he became increasingly confident in the Technique itself. That its principles when practiced work. <\/p>\n I’ve adopted a lot of great things like Alexander Technique over the course of my life but I end up wasting a lot of my time imagining myself as some great exponent of the sacred craft. I end up wasting my life in delusions of grandeur. I keep thinking — “How will I become a great teacher of Alexander Technique?” But the truest part of that sentence is “How will I become great?” That’s my preoccupation. I feel like if I can only become great, then I won’t feel so ashamed. <\/p>\n I’m really seeking — how can I make myself great through the Alexander Technique. How can I use the Alexander Technique\/Judaism\/whatever to show the world how wonderful I am?<\/p>\n Because of these tendencies, I’ve developed a reputation over my life of being a user. <\/p>\n If I could let go of my pursuit of grandiosity, I could ask myself, “How can I live up to the things I ostensibly espouse?” Instead of preaching about Judaism and Alexander Technique and 12-step work, I could try instead quietly living them without regard to my own fame. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I’m easily shaken. This morning as I was reading Instapundit, my computer monitor stopped working. I couldn’t fix it in the 15 minutes I had before I left for school so during the three hours of my training this morning, … Continue reading