A friend (Jane*) asked me to take her little sister (Rose*, a recent college graduate) around today.<\/p>\n
I felt pretty proud. That was quite a vote of confidence.<\/p>\n
I like it when people entrust me with their little sisters.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
As Elvis Presley sang<\/a> (hat tip to Yisroel Pensack<\/a> for finding the lyrics):<\/p>\n Well, I dated your big sister Every time I see your sister Well, I used to pull your pigtails Little sister, dont you Little sister, dont you It all started as a joke. When Jane told me Rose was coming to town, I offered to take her around in my serial killer van, figuring she wouldn’t even consider my offer.<\/p>\n Now Jane has taken me up on it.<\/p>\n It helps that I’m about her only friend who doesn’t have a day job.<\/p>\n She says I can take her car.<\/p>\n Last week I made an acupuncture appointment for today at 10 a.m.<\/p>\n I figured I should reschedule so I could devote my whole day to Rose, but heck, I need my acupuncture. I got a lot of aches and little energy.<\/p>\n So I worry all night that I’m being disrespectful to Jane and Rose by keeping my appointment.<\/p>\n I’m gonna say that Jane can drive off on her own for an hour or she can walk around Culver City and get a Starbucks.<\/p>\n But I don’t want Jane to say, "Levi, you said you’d take my sister around. You didn’t say anything about previous appointments."<\/p>\n Our friend Jessica* decides to come along.<\/p>\n I don’t sleep well because I fear I’m going to sleep in and miss Jane’s 8 a.m. call to drive her to work.<\/p>\n My feet splints annoy me.<\/p>\n I toss and turn.<\/p>\n I rinse my mouth with water.<\/p>\n I listen to Dennis Prager.<\/p>\n I try to sleep.<\/p>\n I listen to Mozart’s Mass in C minor.<\/p>\n I fall asleep after 3 a.m.<\/p>\n I’m awake at 6:30 a.m.<\/p>\n 8:06 a.m. Jane finally calls.<\/p>\n She’s always late.<\/p>\n "I want to see you drive," she says.<\/p>\n It’s been more than a decade since I’ve driven a shift.<\/p>\n I turn the key in the ignition.<\/p>\n The car won’t start.<\/p>\n Oy ve.<\/p>\n I depress the clutch and the new model starts.<\/p>\n "I introduced you last night to Rose by showing her the Jewish Journal story<\/a>," says Jane.<\/p>\n Great.<\/p>\n I jerk us over to Jessica’s place. She comes out wearing five-inch heels.<\/p>\n After I drop off Jane at her work, I try reverse for the first time.<\/p>\n I bang into Jane.<\/p>\n I didn’t see her crossing behind me.<\/p>\n Oy ve.<\/p>\n This is not the way God wants me to start this journey.<\/p>\n Oy, what must Jane be thinking?<\/p>\n That I’m not responsible enough to drive her car? To look after her little sister? To be in her life?<\/p>\n Jane’s not hurt.<\/p>\n She’s laughing.<\/p>\n She’s chill.<\/p>\n Rose is chill.<\/p>\n Jessica is chill.<\/p>\n After a couple of minutes of bewailing my mistake, I chill out.<\/p>\n I drive south of Wilshire Blvd looking for black people.<\/p>\n Jane asked me last night where I was taking her little sister.<\/p>\n I said to Martin Luther King Blvd.<\/p>\n Then to the second floor of UCLA’s Rieber Hall dormitory where I lost my innocence the week of Valentine’s Day 1989.<\/p>\n "She likes history," said Jane.<\/p>\n Then to a couple of —- shoots.<\/p>\n I bring Rose and Jessica into the hovel. I show them my LA Weekly cover. They act impressed. I show them my Jewish Journal cover. They’ve already seen it.<\/p>\n I show them my Jerusalem Report profile but keep it short so they don’t have the opportunity to read any of the article.<\/p>\n I think about showing them my 60 Minutes appearance but figure that would be egocentric.<\/p>\n I can’t remember the last time I had two women in my hovel.<\/p>\n Gosh, I hope the whole ‘hood is looking when we come out.<\/p>\n That would rock.<\/p>\n Maybe I’d get maftir.<\/p>\n We have 50 minutes to kill before my acupuncture appointment.<\/p>\n Thank G-d Jessica knows how to drive a stick.<\/p>\n I drive slowly through Culver City.<\/p>\n I point out Sony Studios.<\/p>\n That’s boring.<\/p>\n Culver City is boring.<\/p>\n All too quickly, I’m at the acupuncture clinic.<\/p>\n I can think of no way to delay our parting.<\/p>\n "Be back at 11:15 a.m." I instruct. "Go straight down Washington Blvd and you should hit the Venice boardwalk."<\/p>\n Fifty minutes into my session, I press the help button (for my first time ever). I’m dying to use the restroom. I’ve been so nervous all morning I’ve been drinking buckets of water.<\/p>\n "I thought you overheard us," says my acupuncturist. "We were all sitting in the room directly outside recounting the various times in our lives when we had involuntarily s— ourselves."<\/p>\n Lovely.<\/p>\n I wonder if this remark is an example of inappropriate boundaries?<\/p>\n I want to be free. I want to drive by the beach. I want to drive and drive but with somebody else’s car and with somebody else’s gas.<\/p>\n I take us on to Highway 1 and north up through Malibu.<\/p>\n I pull over to the side of the road, park, and lead us across four lanes to the beach.<\/p>\n Jessica can’t make it down the cliffs in her high heels.<\/p>\n I take her hand and ease her down.<\/p>\n We sit on the rocks and remark on how swell it all is.<\/p>\n I have a peaceful easy feeling.<\/p>\n "What’s that bird?" I ask.<\/p>\n "A seagull," says Rose.<\/p>\n "Did you know that Jane and I got matching tattoos?" I ask.<\/p>\n "NO?" says Jessica.<\/p>\n "Just kidding."<\/p>\n I point to some massive equipment by the road.<\/p>\n "Do you have a thing for men who can operate heavy machinery?" I ask Rose.<\/p>\n "No," she says.<\/p>\n I drive us north of Pepperdine University. Our windows are down and so are our inhibitions.<\/p>\n "I’m gonna call Jane and tell her to get a taxi home, we’re going all the way to San Francisco," I say.<\/p>\n I can’t remember the last time I got out of town.<\/p>\n I think it was last May.<\/p>\n I want to get out of town. I want to be free. I want to take a long roadtrip with someone I love.<\/p>\n I want to fly like a kite. I want to drift in the breeze. I want no responsibilities, no deadlines, and no appointments.<\/p>\n I want to hit the open road and discover new things.<\/p>\n Oh well, I better be responsible.<\/p>\n I turn us around.<\/p>\n Jessica has offered to pay for lunch at a nice restaurant.<\/p>\n Cheese blintzes for me.<\/p>\n I reverse park.<\/p>\n "Have you ever been parked so well in your life girls?" I ask.<\/p>\n After lunch, we hit Beverly Hills. I used to always park on Rexford north of Wilshire but now it is permit-parking only.<\/p>\n I let the girls out and drive up the library.<\/p>\n When I reappear 10 minutes later, they say they’d feared I’d ditched them.<\/p>\n We walk the streets. We go into Anthropologie, a clothing store.<\/p>\n But this is a cool clothing store because it has lots of books.<\/p>\n I engross myself in "1001 Books To Read Before You Die" until the girls tire of shopping.<\/p>\n Jessica says her feet are covered with blisters.<\/p>\n I take them into the cool of the Beverly Hills Public Library and offer to check out a book for each of them.<\/p>\n They turn me down.<\/p>\n ("Nothing turns Levi on more than a woman who reads books," says Jane later. "That’s why we’re just friends," I respond.)<\/p>\n We’ve got more than two hours to kill before picking up Jane from work and Jessica seems to be out of commission from any further walking.<\/p>\n I burn Jane’s gas down Hollywood Blvd then take the 101 south to the downturn.<\/p>\n "Everybody seems so chill today," says Jessica from the back seat. "Is it because it is a Tuesday?"<\/p>\n "It’s because we’ve taken the day off," I say.<\/p>\n "That’s right," Jess says. "Normally I’m fighting my way through traffic to my next appointment."<\/p>\n I drive by the Los Angeles Times building and head south. I see signs for the fashion district and turn left. I park. The meter gives only ten minutes for a quarter. I put in 50c and we walk down the street.<\/p>\n It feels like we are in Tijuana. There are bargains galore. This is the place I’m going to buy my next suit. Maybe I’ll get a pimp suit and white shoes and a white hat and walk into shul with my tzitzit out and say, "Hey mofos, this is the way I roll."<\/p>\n The shopping bargains make Jessica forget her sore feet.<\/p>\n I bring us back to Jane’s workplace with 20 minutes to spare. I read to the girls excerpts from the Neil Strauss book "The Rules of the Game."<\/p>\n "Don’t say anything to Jane," I warn. "I’m going to try some of these techniques on her on the way home."<\/p>\n Jane gets in. I make a feeble attempt to game her and then give up all resistance to being human for a few minutes.<\/p>\n I get home feeling full of energy.<\/p>\n * = not a real name.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A friend (Jane*) asked me to take her little sister (Rose*, a recent college graduate) around today. I felt pretty proud. That was quite a vote of confidence. I like it when people entrust me with their little sisters. As … Continue reading
\nAnd took her to a show
\nI went for some candy
\nAlong came jim dandy
\nAnd they snuck right out of the door<\/p>\n
\nWell shes got somebody new
\nShes mean and shes evil
\nLike that old boll weevil
\nGuess I’ll try my luck with you<\/p>\n
\nAnd pinch your turned-up nose
\nBut you been a growin
\nAnd baby, its been showin
\nFrom your head down to your toes<\/p>\n
\nLittle sister, dont you
\nLittle sister, dont you kiss me once or twice
\nThen say its very nice
\nAnd then you run<\/p>\n
\nDo what your big sister done<\/p>\n