{"id":32793,"date":"2011-05-17T20:03:10","date_gmt":"2011-05-18T04:03:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=32793"},"modified":"2011-05-17T21:08:00","modified_gmt":"2011-05-18T05:08:00","slug":"three-twelve-step-meetings-and-im-a-changed-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=32793","title":{"rendered":"Three Twelve-Step Meetings And I’m A Changed Man"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m stunned by how a few sex addiction<\/a> meetings have affected me.<\/p>\n

I don’t walk around with the predatory fantasies that normally afflict me.<\/p>\n

Please know that these are fantasies only! I don’t act them out. I’m a good Orthodox Jew, a light on the Hollywood Hills, a shining example for the world of ethical monotheism.<\/p>\n

My fantasy life is almost 100% eroticized rage<\/a>. I don’t dream about intimacy within a committed relationship (though I rationally desire this). I dream about being a big swinging dick. <\/p>\n

I don’t judge myself as a bad man for my fantasies. Like Judaism, I distinguish between thought and behavior, but I think my dreams are a mirror to my psyche, and that this psyche needs repair. <\/p>\n

So I’ve done some meetings and shared my creepy thoughts and I’m different. Just as watching porn made me different in the opposite direction. It influenced me to treat sex like sport.<\/p>\n

Twelve-step meetings sober me. I’m not walking around this week imagining myself a superstar with unlimited access to hot women. I’m not dreaming about being on the front page of the New York Times. I’m not wondering why nobody is making a documentary about my life. <\/p>\n

In short, I’m not walking around in my normal narcissistic daydream. I’ve talked to too many people now whose lives have been rendered miserable by pursuing these delusions. <\/p>\n

So, I feel more rooted in reality. When I’m with people I care about, I’m softer. I think my writing has changed.<\/p>\n

It’s hard to go from davening or Torah study to the heedless pursuit of lust. And it’s hard to go from a 12-step meeting to treating people like objects. <\/p>\n

I don’t expect this to last. I need to catch another meeting soon. Perhaps I might even make myself accountable to a sponsor and start working the 12-steps?<\/p>\n