The emptiness hit first.<\/p>\n
Before I even began with my strawberries, pineapple, watermelon, and chocolate chip cookies, I felt completely alone.<\/p>\n
I stood off to the side and felt the waves of shame roll over me.<\/p>\n
First they were just embarrassment, but then they became self-loathing.<\/p>\n
I wanted to flee, but I bribed myself to stay put with more cookies and cake.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I waited for the anger to build but it never arrived.<\/p>\n
This was just depression.<\/p>\n
A deep sense of ennui.<\/p>\n
Utter futility.<\/p>\n
Alone in the crowd. Deeply alone.<\/p>\n
I miss my friends, those few persons who like to talk to me.<\/p>\n
I miss them keenly.<\/p>\n
I am ashamed of how much I miss them.<\/p>\n
I hate myself for how much I miss them.<\/p>\n
Sheesh, in this mode I’ll only exhibit low-status behavior and nobody cool will want to roll with me.<\/p>\n
I attempt a conversation.<\/p>\n
"Hi, I’m Levi. I know you. We’ve had Shabbos meals together…"<\/p>\n
"Levi what?"<\/p>\n
"Levi Ben Avraham."<\/p>\n
"I’m sorry. I don’t remember you. What do you do?"<\/p>\n
"I’m a writer."<\/p>\n
"What do you write?"<\/p>\n
"A blog about Jewish Los Angeles."<\/p>\n
"What’s the address?"<\/p>\n
"My name. In English. Luke Ford. Dot net."<\/p>\n
"Oh, I’ve read your stuff. You write pornography and yiddishkeit. A strange combination.<\/p>\n
"Hey, I’ve got to go talk to some friends. Gut Shabbos."<\/p>\n
I fill my plate with more dessert and shove it down my throat.<\/p>\n
When I’m ready to burst, I waddle home and fall asleep.<\/p>\n
NINE HOURS LATER: "I’m sure there were lots of people there who would’ve liked talking to you."<\/p>\n
"Don’t try to argue me out of my feelings. Don’t discount my feelings. I don’t tell you when you’re crying, oh, you shouldn’t cry."<\/p>\n
"Sorry. My friend saw you today."<\/p>\n
"Did she say I looked sad and lonely?"<\/p>\n
"Well, yes. She said you didn’t look happy. You slept with a friend of hers."<\/p>\n
Jane emails: "Hi, Next time you feel alone in the crowd, remember us, your readers. We are with you and care about you. The feeling is awkward and uncomfortable, I know that feeling… So, a little self talk helps (to feel less nerves) and joining a few people standing together. Or, walking around with the plate, just nodding your head and smile till you find a parking spot."<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The emptiness hit first. Before I even began with my strawberries, pineapple, watermelon, and chocolate chip cookies, I felt completely alone. I stood off to the side and felt the waves of shame roll over me. First they were just … Continue reading