I’m sitting in my hovel surrounded by freakin’ balloons. Everywhere I go — which isn’t far in here — I’m tripping over and colliding with balloons.<\/p>\n
They’re big and bright and blue and they’re wishing me a happy birthday.<\/p>\n
They’re tired up to my meager furniture and to water bottles and to virtually everything but my Torah books.<\/p>\n
Did Rabbi Akiva get balloons for his birthday?<\/p>\n
Why do I get balloons for my birthday? Because the woman who gave me balloons wants balloons on her birthday.<\/p>\n
I’ll tell you what she’ll bloody well get — if she gets anything — and that’s a gift certificate to Barnes & Nobles.<\/p>\n
That’s my standard gift (I don’t give many gifts, can’t be bothered).<\/p>\n
I’ll tell you a dirty little secret about my gift giving — the only persons who should expect gifts from me are my wives and girlfriends. That’s it. Nobody else should expect even a card, not even a chaste kiss good night.<\/p>\n
I’m too busy writing commentaries on the Torah to go shopping. Did the Vilna Gaon give birthday cards? I think not. I bet his wife didn’t even get balloons.<\/p>\n
I’ve only once lived with a woman for longer than a few weeks. This was in 1993 and it lasted about three months. And we kept giving each other what we wanted. I gave her long longing notes tucked under her pillow about how much she meant to me. She bought me clothes. I didn’t give a flying leap about clothes and she couldn’t care less about my lovey dovey notes.<\/p>\n
In 1987, my sister came over for Christmas. I gave her as a present a book I wanted to read — Days of Rage by Todd Gitlin. She saw right through my gift and didn’t even bother to take it back to Australia with her.<\/p>\n
It’s a cold cruel world out there, lover.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’m sitting in my hovel surrounded by freakin’ balloons. Everywhere I go — which isn’t far in here — I’m tripping over and colliding with balloons. They’re big and bright and blue and they’re wishing me a happy birthday. They’re … Continue reading