I had such big plans for Thursday night.<\/p>\n
I was going to the JConnect<\/a> barbie at Dockweiler Beach.<\/p>\n I had a ride.<\/p>\n I was going to be social.<\/p>\n I’m social in waves. It takes some effort. But if I push myself, then it is easier to do it over and over.<\/p>\n Then the clouds rolled in Thursday afternoon and the water and the thunder.<\/p>\n I was so very tired and weak. Could barely pick up the kids.<\/p>\n Couldn’t wait to get away.<\/p>\n Didn’t want a ride home.<\/p>\n As I walked through the rain to the bank to deposit my check, I felt myself drowning in exhaustion.<\/p>\n I felt like I was relapsing into that 24-hour cold I had three weeks ago.<\/p>\n Relapsing into 20 years of chronic fatigue.<\/p>\n There was no hope. None. No hope. Hopeless. No salvation. No release. No exit.<\/p>\n I was in a vice. A box. Orthodox Judaism. Chronic Fatigue. Boxes.<\/p>\n I lived in boxes. One chosen.<\/p>\n I was so very tired.<\/p>\n I was staying home.<\/p>\n I didn’t leave the hovel Friday. I pushed myself through a normal day of blogging. I thought about pushing myself to shul but collapsed in bed instead. Didn’t bother with kiddish or prayer. Just closed the blinds and lay in the darkness.<\/p>\n So if I died right now, how long till someone would miss me and come looking?<\/p>\n I take my index finger and push the center of my chest. It hurts. There’s no visible bruise just an ever-present pain.<\/p>\n I strap on the splints to my feet to control the plantar fascitis.<\/p>\n I slip in the mouth guard to minimize the damage from my TMJ<\/a>.<\/p>\n I must get that poked at my next acupuncture session.<\/p>\n I had dreams of spending this weekend in Yosemite.<\/p>\n I had so many dreams. None of them involved lying sick in a hovel just before my 42nd birthday.<\/p>\n Shabbos morning. Maybe I’ll go to shul.<\/p>\n I walk the length of my hovel.<\/p>\n I feel dizzy.<\/p>\n I go back to bed.<\/p>\n I nap intermittently through the day.<\/p>\n I read two books by Joanna Hershon<\/a> — The Outside of August and Swimming (from which I take the title of this blog post).<\/p>\n At 4:40 p.m., I leave my place for the first time in two days.<\/p>\n As I walk up the street, I see two girls a few blocks away. They’re staring in my direction.<\/p>\n I feel a surge of strength.<\/p>\n "Daddy’s coming," I whisper.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I had such big plans for Thursday night. I was going to the JConnect barbie at Dockweiler Beach. I had a ride. I was going to be social. I’m social in waves. It takes some effort. But if I push … Continue reading