I wake up Saturday morning with a tickle in my throat.<\/p>\n
What’s she doing here?<\/p>\n
I contemplate skipping motzei Shabbat karaoke but don’t want to leave the boyfriend in the lurch.<\/p>\n
Poor man. Without me, he’d be stuck in a dark place with a dozen hot chix.<\/p>\n
I could not do that to a fellow Jew.<\/p>\n
I’m gonna try to keep up with the twenty-somethings and party like Evan and Jaron<\/a>.<\/p>\n At 10 p.m., five of us pile into a cab — Birthday Girl, BF, Rachel*, Jezebel* and myself and head for 6114 Sunset — Amagi Japanese.<\/p>\n "Stay in the middle," I tell Rachel (the nice girl), "so I can stay chaste [and away from Jezebel]."<\/p>\n "What’s chaste?" asks Jezebel.<\/p>\n "Rachel," I say, "explain chastity to our friend."<\/p>\n Then we explain to… that…fling was just physical.<\/p>\n "That makes me feel better," she says.<\/p>\n Our every comment is a new dagger into her heart.<\/p>\n We laugh. She cries (inside).<\/p>\n "What is it that men find attractive about mentally disturbed nymphomaniacs?" I wonder out loud. "I just don’t see it."<\/p>\n Thirty minutes and $25 later, we pile out and find the karaoke room.<\/p>\n There’s a bachelorette party with lots of blondes and Filipinas.<\/p>\n The Filipinas have these nice soft faces and gentle curves.<\/p>\n I’m flooded with memories.<\/p>\n I have Anne Lamott’s book Bird by Bird<\/a> stuck in the back of my pants in case things get boring (or I need protection from some stranger’s backstage pass).<\/p>\n My throat hurts but what a wonderful opportunity this will be for us to witness for Modern Orthodoxy.<\/p>\n Did I remember to bring the tracts? Soloveitchik on repentance<\/a>?<\/p>\n Can’t find them anywhere.<\/p>\n The holiness of the Shabbat disappears fast as the plates of non-kosher sushi arrive.<\/p>\n I’m mesmerized by the way these girls move. Their smiles and easy laughter. Their dancing and singing. The tender way they hold the microphone… It’s a sin for me to watch this.<\/p>\n Oy, if Rabbi Union could see me now.<\/p>\n Head in my hands, I’m slack-jawed watching the girls dance while Rachel and Jezebel get their jollies at my innocent wonder.<\/p>\n Nothing in the Talmud prepared me for the sweet agony of watching curvy young women gyrate across the dance floor. Those tight jeans, revealing tops. It’s a sin.<\/p>\n No wonder Seventh-Day Adventists prohibit dancing.<\/p>\n This is very very wrong.<\/p>\n How do these girls let themselves go like that? They seem to have no inhibitions. Their hips grind to the music. They have turned their backs on God’s immutable moral law.<\/p>\n Don’t they know that Maimonides says the Torah can never be superceded?<\/p>\n How do they move so freely? Where is their shame? How do they float with their bodies? Why are they not all tied up in Talmudic knots?<\/p>\n What sweet free breeze did they catch up?<\/p>\n How come I grew up to be so socially retarded? The first time I danced was at my sister’s wedding in January 1982. I was 15. I hated it. I didn’t know what to do. My cousin (mom’s (Gwen Booth) brother’s (Donny Booth) daughter) took me in hand but it was no use. There was no salvation for this son of a preacher man.<\/p>\n Two years later, my cousin died in a car accident.<\/p>\n Later in my teens, I’d sneak away from the house to join my friends dancing but I’ve been able to get comfortable with it.<\/p>\n I’m a lost cause.<\/p>\n I would rather be studying Talmud now.<\/p>\n XXX hates the love songs. She doesn’t want to think about love. It hurts too much.<\/p>\n I Will Survive.<\/p>\n "That’s the song I should be singing," says XXX. "Those are the songs I need tonight."<\/p>\n I make some notes on my tape recorder during the evening. Audio<\/a> Audio<\/a> Audio<\/a> Audio<\/a><\/p>\n By midnight, all my friends are drunk.<\/p>\n After 1 a.m., I sing "Space Oddity<\/a>," first made famous by David Bowie<\/a> but later memorialized by me on my cam<\/a>. It’s my theme song for testing the audio quality.<\/p>\n At 2 a.m., we (the five of us plus our new friend Culver City Jeff) close the karaoke room singing "Red, Red Wine<\/a>."<\/p>\n Then we hit Dennys.<\/p>\n Rabbi Union, I thought it was a kosher Dennys.<\/p>\n I order herbal tea. That’s it, rabbi. <\/p>\n I’m falling asleep.<\/p>\n Through half-closed eyes, I see Brian Pumper walk by.<\/p>\n I come alive. I have something to contribute to the conversation.<\/p>\n I had turned on my tape recorder to document us singing Red, Red Wine and accidentally left it on for the next 90-minutes.<\/p>\n Here’s six minutes<\/a> of me rhapsodizing over Brian Pumper unaware I’m taping myself. Audio<\/a><\/p>\n I introduce two of my friends so they can get their picture taken with Mr. Pumper. Audio<\/a><\/p>\n I come back to the table and wail, "What have I done?"<\/p>\n "You’ve corrupted my friends," says…<\/p>\n "I’m sorry."<\/p>\n "You’re out of it now. That was his past. You’re born again."<\/p>\n Culver City Jeff gives us a ride home.<\/p>\n However this requires that I sacrifice my virtue and put Jezebel on my lap.<\/p>\n It’s nearly 4 a.m.<\/p>\n Audio<\/a> Audio<\/a> Audio<\/a> Audio<\/a> Audio<\/a> Audio<\/a> Audio<\/a><\/p>\n I blogged all night to get to you…<\/p>\n Jezebel was a hit in the karaoke room. She had two lengthy conversations with strange men.<\/p>\n Luke: "Did you feel objectified?"<\/p>\n Jez: "A little bit. What does that mean?"<\/p>\n From my live cam chat and post-party analysis<\/a>:<\/p>\n YourMoralLeader: you came to LA and you did not look me up <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I wake up Saturday morning with a tickle in my throat. What’s she doing here? I contemplate skipping motzei Shabbat karaoke but don’t want to leave the boyfriend in the lurch. Poor man. Without me, he’d be stuck in a … Continue reading
\nYourMoralLeader: tease
\nGina: How do you know I didn’t?
\nYourMoralLeader: oh
\nYourMoralLeader: did you?
\nGina: didn’t you feel the connection?
\nYourMoralLeader: you could be the mother of teshuvas
\nGina: from a distance
\nGina: building up
\nGina: prefer shailos
\nGina: went to all you old haunts
\nGina: Didn’t you feel stalked?
\nGina: went to every CBTL in the city
\nYourMoralLeader: CBTL means what?
\nGina: even the cholov yisroel one
\nGina: Coffee Bean & Teal Leaf
\nGina: I’m glad Emma keeps you on the straight and narrow path
\nYourMoralLeader: true
\nGina: she is your salvation
\nGina: I am like guest2
\nGina: visiting LukeFord.net once a day for updates
\nGina: but….
\nGina: I do find joy in masturbating
\nYourMoralLeader: what do you think about when?
\nGina: you of course
\nGina: and Emma
\nYourMoralLeader: and what are we doing?
\nGina: playing with your tzitzit
\nGina: Luke, have you ever been to Israel?
\nGina: better go before war breaks out
\nYourMoralLeader: been twice gina
\nYourMoralLeader: once is never enough
\nGina: climb the mount with Emma
\nGina: whats her Dad like?
\nGina: Did you go to Israel BC or AC?
\nYourMoralLeader: both
\nGina: different perspectives?
\nGina: take Emma before and after
\nGina: and during
\nYourMoralLeader: i was 4 first time
\nYourMoralLeader: 33 2nd
\nguest24: pig
\nUser guest24 left the room.
\nGina: 24 really knows how to ham it up….
\nGina: I danc like Elaine f(Seinfeld)
\nGina: Do you think thats my problem in meeting men?
\nGina: Is the way one dances important in the mating game?
\nGina: Is that why frumies don’t dance?
\nGina: Dancing leads to
\nGina: How many songs did you belt out?
\nGina: Were you drinking?
\nGina: You sound so confident
\nGina: and Cool
\nGina: and funny
\nGina: Tease
\nGina: You have them eating out of your hand
\nGina: and kissing your tzitzit no doubt
\nGina: new ball?
\nGina: next week…Emor
\nBorisJohnson: Hello old chum.
\nYourMoralLeader: no gaffes now
\nBorisJohnson: Thank you. I owe it to my dear circle of friends, broad as it may be
\nBorisJohnson: I am proof that the odd man can succede in life, even if he cannot spell
\nBorisJohnson: It has been a long time……what are you up to, Luke?
\nBorisJohnson: Would you consider perhaps moving to London?
\nYourMoralLeader: now yes
\nYourMoralLeader: How can I serve you?
\nBorisJohnson: Minister of Blogging Affairs
\nBorisJohnson: Or perhaps as my "outreach" to the Levantine communities
\nBorisJohnson: Who is this "Gina"? A constituent?
\nBorisJohnson: The macrobreasted community is also in need of inclusion
\nGina: looking for a job in the UK as well
\nBorisJohnson: What are your qualifications?
\nGina: no reductions \/ cuts here
\nBorisJohnson: And what do you want to do?
\nGina: Luke
\nYourMoralLeader: yes
\nYourMoralLeader: I want to be of service
\nGina: I’m very supportive and I always keep the community uplifted and abreast
\nBorisJohnson: Do you have any photos I might study?
\nBorisJohnson: I wish to be inclusive.
\nUser RolfHarris left the room.
\nUser WinstonChurchill left the room.
\nGina: they’ve been nipped in the bud
\nGina: Borris hows your johnson?
\nGina: Any pics?
\nBorisJohnson: I need to know your race
\nBorisJohnson: You see, mine will be an administration of inclusion
\nGina: JAP
\nBorisJohnson: But to know where to include you , I must first see you
\nBorisJohnson: Japanese? We’ve not many Japanese in London.
\nGina: I’m a bomb
\nGina: like Pearl Harbor
\nBorisJohnson: Now we don’t want any bombs, either
\nBorisJohnson: Why would you leave sunny Los Angeles for oftimes rainy London?
\nGina: rain brings out the rubbers
\nGina: its all about protection
\nBorisJohnson: What do you presently do in LA?
\nGina: work in a condom factory
\nGina: quality control
\nBorisJohnson: I would hate to take you away from your work
\nBorisJohnson: As it is very important
\nGina: yes, least there be a influx of babies
\nGina: children of YML
\nBorisJohnson: Oh, that title of his is just a gag I thought up over a pint or two.
\nGina: got me gagging
\nBorisJohnson: And he’s not that big to do that
\nGina: small mouth
\nGina: deep thought
\nBorisJohnson: Luke, you are looking rather neurasthenic these days.
\nBorisJohnson: Pale, sickly
\nBorisJohnson: In need of a change of scenery
\nBorisJohnson: Such as a move to London would provide.
\nGina: perhaps a bit of backyard hovel sun
\nBorisJohnson: A plate of chicken tika massala would do you a world of good
\nGina: or a slab of meat
\nBorisJohnson: Gina, why not pop in on Luke and show him the value of flesh?
\nBorisJohnson: Put an end to his infatuation with fruits and what nots
\nGina: I would crush him
\nBorisJohnson: Strong thighs?
\nGina: with my melons
\nBorisJohnson: Yes, do that a bit
\nBorisJohnson: He needs it
\nGina: breast or thigh man?
\nBorisJohnson: All this blogging and fruit eating
\nBorisJohnson: who?
\nGina: either \/ both
\nBorisJohnson: the former
\nBorisJohnson: although I am foind of the latter as well
\nGina: aah a breastlover
\nBorisJohnson: As are all true men
\nGina: true, true
\nYourMoralLeader: http:\/\/www.lukeford.net\/Images\/photos4\/audio\/debbieparty.wav\/B_2008_05_04\/majortom.wav
\nYourMoralLeader: me singing last night
\nBorisJohnson: Is there a photo of Gina there with you?
\nBorisJohnson: I’m beginning to think that she is the one who might lift you out of your malaise
\nGina: lift and separate
\nGina: like a good bra
\nBorisJohnson: There would be fewer wars if women had larger breasts
\nzappa: what you listening to Luke?
\nYourMoralLeader: michael cheney
\nzappa: no wiser
\nzappa: sounds a really lonely bloke does Michael. Is this what you aspire to emulate Luke?
\nYourMoralLeader: yes
\nYourMoralLeader: i wanna be rich
\nzappa: no pockets in shrouds
\nzappa: rich and lonely – f**k that
\nzappa: not to brag or to boast Michael
\nzappa: More traffic for YOU Michael – YOU YOU YOU
\nYourMoralLeader: Rabbi, how are you?
\nRabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: may you have as many children as you can sanely handle
\nRabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: i’m good luke, how are you
\nRabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: when are you meeting this little shiksah of yours
\nguest2: 8 seems to be the lucky number
\nguest2: 2.5 sanely
\nRabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: that poor 1\/2 of a kid
\nguest2: its the .5 thats usually the problem
\nUser NevilleChamberlin entered the room.
\nNevilleChamberlin: alright
\nNevilleChamberlin: anyone moral yet?
\nguest2: the engineer is playing with his choo choo
\nNevilleChamberlin: i camefor guidance
\nNevilleChamberlin: spose iltry later
\nUser NevilleChamberlin left the room.
\nguest2: you guided him right out the room…nice
\nYourMoralLeader: build me up buttercup<\/p>\n