I am 59. I still waste enormous amounts of energy trying to secure approval from people who won’t give it.<\/p>\n
The more I do the right things, however, the less intense is my maladaptive approval seeking.<\/p>\n
Just under the surface of my psyche, I yearn to show that I am the smartest person in the world. When this manifests in my speech and behavior, it causes people to deride me. <\/p>\n
In the cold hard light of day, when it comes to certain topics, I am the smartest person in the room, but as far as overall cognitive quality, I am rarely the smartest person in the rooms I frequent. <\/p>\n
It’s false humility to deny my gifts but when I get an exaggerated sense of them, I always get humiliated. <\/p>\n
When I go a week or two or three without getting humiliated, that’s because I have not gotten over my skis. <\/p>\n
My biggest scoops as a reporter were given to me. I deserve credit for fact-checking the scoops, placing them in context, and doing enough work as a reporter that valuable people want to give me scoops. Lying around watching TV didn’t earn me scoops. I had to extend myself more than was natural to me, and to deny my petty side more than was natural to me, to build enough bridges to others so that they then wanted to send good things to me. <\/p>\n
I spent Saturday afternoons when I was a kid in Cooranbong napping and then waking up to hope that after sundown (the beginning of the secular week in Seventh-Day Adventism), my best friend Wayne Cherry and his family would come by to take me to something cool.<\/p>\n
Throughout my life, cool people have adopted me and taken me to things that were cool.<\/p>\n
On my own, I don’t tend to generate sufficient coolness. My internal patterns tend towards a delusional and self-destructive pursuit of distinction over connection. <\/p>\n
If there is anything distinctive in what I contribute here, it comes largely from my own accurate recognition of my need for others, for my ability to contribute to others, and that I accurately gauge my own failures and successes (that largely stem from negotiations with others). <\/p>\n
Once you can spot your own self-defeating patterns, you see them more easily in others.<\/p>\n
The more I live in reality, the less I need to twist it to keep myself comfortable.<\/p>\n
Despite these noble sentiments, I must admit that hearing that nobody\u2019s coming to save me often feels like a cold shower.<\/p>\n
Why? Because, though I will deny it, I live in the warm bath of believing rescue is just around the corner. That might be why I love long songs. <\/p>\n
I walk around with a deep, unspoken hope that someone will swoop in to save me \u2014 a hope I almost never admit.<\/p>\n
I love Neil Strauss’s line about rock stars — they can mesmerize a stadium but they can’t take care of themselves. <\/p>\n
I’ve long yearned to be so distinctive that others would take care of me. <\/p>\n
One of the most destructive impulses I have is that the ordinary rules don’t apply to me. They do. <\/p>\n
I’ve long thought I know better than my bosses, my rabbis, my teachers, my communities. That’s rarely been true. <\/p>\n
If I am in a good place, and I realize I did something wrong, it’s easy for me to admit it. When I’m insecure, it’s hard for me to admit being wrong.<\/p>\n
Security is something I earn choice by choice. It’s not my default state. That state is anxiety. <\/p>\n
The more dishonest, deceptive and deceitful I am, the more I distrust others. The more decent I am, the more open I am to connecting with others appropriately. My experience of America is largely in my hands. America is neither with me nor against me. It is largely raw material in my hands. Los Angeles is a city filled with opportunities and dangers for me.<\/p>\n
I don’t trust any ideology that portrays advanced economies such as America as monsters or saviors. Every people must prioritize their own survival in an anarchic world.<\/p>\n
The safest place for the individual is usually in the middle of the herd. My inner drives usually push me to the boundary of the herd. <\/p>\n
ChatGPT: “You\u2019re basically saying: my internal conduct shapes my perception of others, and my relationship to America is more about my own mindset than America itself. Refusing to buy into \u201cAmerica the demon\u201d or \u201cAmerica the messiah\u201d keeps you out of the victim\/savior trap and in the realm of realism. It\u2019s self-responsibility over grievance or blind faith.”<\/p>\n
I love Orion Taraban’s videos, including this one, but I think he’s missing some things:<\/p>\n