I wrote this with ChatGPT, Grok and Gemini: So, more than 22 years ago, I met this cute, curvy Jewess at Sinai Temple\u2019s Friday Night Live. You know the type\u2014age-appropriate, Sephardic fire, Ashkenazi vocabulary. She had hips like a halachic boundary\u2014meant to be respected but very hard not to cross.<\/p>\n
First date? We go hiking. Romantic, right? Nature, sweat, modesty in tank tops. At one point I say\u2014trying to be charming but probably sounding like a sex offender with a thesaurus\u2014\u201cI look forward to gaining easy access to your greatest assets.\u201d I meant her personality, obviously. But she looks me dead in the eye and says, \u201cDeep in your neshama, you want to work that reward.\u201d<\/p>\n
I mean, come on. This is Torah meets Tinder. Her hips didn\u2019t lie. They chanted Lecha Dodi.<\/p>\n
So obviously, I panicked. I\u2019m like, \u201cThis is too good. She\u2019s too curvy, too clever, too Jewish. I\u2019m gonna screw this up. I need to sabotage this with someone more… docile. Less frum. Smaller\u2026 expectations.\u201d<\/p>\n
So I go out with a shiksa. Blonde, A-cup, nose ring, the kind of girl who says, \u201cI\u2019m spiritual, not religious,\u201d while vaping during therapy. On our second date, she\u2014how do I say this halachically?\u2014she deployed her talent. You know what I mean. Let\u2019s just say she put the \u201cblessing\u201d in Birkat HaMazon.<\/p>\n
And just like that, I stopped chasing the curvy Jewess and spent the next year trying to convert an A-cup into a soulmate. Like a schmuck. I thought I could mold her into a nice Orthodox wife. Instead, I got a yearlong lesson in how \u201cnamaste\u201d is not Hebrew for \u201cclean the dishes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fast forward five years. I\u2019m trying to date this woman\u2014very earnest, very sweet, in the middle of converting to Judaism. She lives in a backhouse. Her landlady? Guess who?<\/p>\n
The Curvy Jewess.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, this is bashert! This is God giving me a second shot at my neshama work. But my new friend-zoning friend with the secret Jewish boyfriend (don’t let the rabbis know or they’ll kick her from the conversion program, her Jewish BF doesn’t want to be bothered going to shul every morning to prove his bona fides) is like, \u201cOh, you knew her? Yeah… my landlady is totally nuts. You dodged a bullet.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dodged a bullet?! Lady, I was the bullet. I swerved out of her path and shot myself in the ego.<\/p>\n
So what\u2019s the moral? Never trade a curvy Jewess for a shiksa with a fast tongue and a yoga mat? Maybe. Or maybe the moral is this:<\/p>\n
The past has a funny way of renting out the upstairs apartment just when you\u2019re trying to build a future downstairs.<\/p>\n
Or maybe\u2014just maybe\u2014your greatest assets are the mistakes that keep you from making even worse ones.<\/p>\n
Either way, don\u2019t ghost a woman who talks like a rebbetzin and moves like she\u2019s smuggling Sephardic spices under her dress. That\u2019s a rookie move.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I wrote this with ChatGPT, Grok and Gemini: So, more than 22 years ago, I met this cute, curvy Jewess at Sinai Temple\u2019s Friday Night Live. You know the type\u2014age-appropriate, Sephardic fire, Ashkenazi vocabulary. She had hips like a halachic … Continue reading