{"id":129749,"date":"2020-03-08T05:38:03","date_gmt":"2020-03-08T13:38:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=129749"},"modified":"2021-12-25T13:38:38","modified_gmt":"2021-12-25T21:38:38","slug":"normal-marital-sadism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=129749","title":{"rendered":"Normal Marital Sadism"},"content":{"rendered":"

https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/experts\/david-schnarch-phd<\/a>
\nhttps:\/\/crucibletherapy.com\/about\/david-schnarch<\/a>
\nhttps:\/\/passionatemarriage.com\/<\/a><\/p>\n

David Schnarch writes in his book Passionate Marriage<\/a>:<\/p>\n

* When we talk about developing a fuller, deeper understanding of marriage, many people automatically think of unconscious feelings or repressed experiences. We\u2019ve grown accustomed to looking at life\u2019s struggles as a reflection of unconscious processes. When we\u2019re unhappy, we look within ourselves for past traumas that incapacitate us in the present. The notion of uncovering repressed feelings has become synonymous with mental health, as if progressively stripping away fa\u00e7ades and unearthing unconscious anxieties will liberate our innate vitality and creativity. In this view, therapy is a method of peeling away the layers of your character like an onion. Often, however, the problem is not a matter of peeling away layers but of developing them\u2014growing ourselves up to be mature and resourceful adults who can solve our current problems. Many marital therapists believe childhood wounds drive marriage, leading us to reenact our family problems with our adult partners. I do not. While I don\u2019t ignore unpleasant childhood experiences, I also don\u2019t believe they are the only or even the strongest factor shaping a marriage. Childhood wounds have their impact, just like parental modeling and social conditioning. I believe other aspects have at least as much\u2014if not more\u2014impact on marriage than our childhood or unconscious processes. These involve how sex and intimacy operate within marriage as a system with rules of its own. (I\u2019ll discuss these shortly.) Misguided emphasis on childhood wounds does more than send couples off in the wrong direction. The resulting \u201ctrauma model of life\u201d ignores everything outstanding about our species\u2019 determination to grow and thrive. When Pulitzer Prize winner Ernest Becker said our social \u201cmaps\u201d trivialize life and destroy any opportunity to feel heroic, this is an example of what he meant. Likewise, in Care of the Soul, Thomas Moore observes \u201cwe like to think that emotional problems have to do with the family, childhood, and trauma \u2014with personal life\u2014but not with spirituality.\u201d Passionate Marriage is about resilience rather than damage, health rather than old wounds, and human potential rather than trauma.<\/p>\n

* What\u2019s an example of a crucible in marriage? How about the fact that your spouse can always force you to choose between keeping your integrity and staying married, between \u201cholding onto yourself\u201d and holding onto your partner. These integrity issues often surface around sex and intimacy\u2014about what the two of you will and won\u2019t do together. They can just as easily arise over issues about money, parenting, in-laws, and lifestyle. The more emotionally enmeshed you and your spouse are\u2014fused in my lingo\u2014the more you will push this choice right down to the wire. Stay in the marriage or get divorced. The key is not to lose your nerve or get overreactive or locked into an inflexible position. I know that\u2019s tough when you think your marriage is about to explode\u2014or you\u2019re about to sell out your beliefs, preferences, or dreams. But it\u2019s actually part of the people-growing process in marriage. When you\u2019re oblivious to ways marriage can operate as a people-growing process, all you see are problems and pathology\u2014and the challenges of marriage will probably defeat you. Your pain will have no meaning except failure and disappointment; no richness, no soul. Spirituality is an attitude that reveals life\u2019s meaning through everyday experience; however, don\u2019t bother looking for sanctuary in your marriage. Seeking protection from its pains and pleasures misses its purpose: marriage prepares us to live and love on life\u2019s terms. Facing relationship realities like these produces the personal integrity necessary for intimacy, eroticism, and a lifetime loving marriage. How is integrity relevant to marriage? Integrity is the ability to face the realities I just mentioned. It\u2019s living according to your own values and beliefs in the face of opposition.<\/p>\n

Differentiation involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness. Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity. Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others, to be part of the group. When these two life forces for individuality and togetherness are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship that doesn\u2019t deteriorate into emotional fusion. Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship. In this chapter I\u2019ll discuss several ways differentiation dramatically affects relationships. Here\u2019s the first and most important one: differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and\/or physically close to others\u2014especially as they become increasingly important to you. Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when lovers, friends, and family pressure you to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they\u2019re \u201closing themselves,\u201d and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still \u201cknow who they are.\u201d They don\u2019t have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self. <\/p>\n

* Think of differentiation as a \u201chigher order\u201d process that involves balancing both connection and autonomy… Then you can see that emotional fusion is connection without individuality. Lack of differentiation alienates us from those we love. Emotional fusion deceives us into thinking that we\u2019re not connected and we move away in defense. But the deeper truth is that we have to move away to counterbalance the tremendous impact we feel our spouse has on us. Or, unable to turn away, we turn ourselves over to the connection, but it feels engulfing.<\/p>\n

* Let me tell you a little more about differentiation… the term actually comes from biology, referring to the ways cells develop. All cells in your body start from essentially the same material, but as they begin to differentiate they take on unique properties and perform separate yet related functions. The greater the differentiation, the more sophisticated and adaptive the life form. More highly evolved forms of life display greater variability in response. Mammals show more variable reactions than amoebae or earthworms. Your fingerprints, voiceprint, and handwriting are examples of highly evolved uniqueness. Biologically and socially, humans represent the most sophisticated differentiation in the world. When you have a wide repertoire of possible responses, you, your family, your business, and our species have increased versatility and adaptability. Fewer resources in well-differentiated families and marriages have to be rigidly devoted to compensate for the inability of any one member to take care of himself\/herself. Conversely, there is less need for anyone to sacrifice growth or self-direction to maintain the stability of the family or marriage. Differentiation allows each person to function more independently and interdependently. Families are like multicelled living entities, just as your body is composed of many different cells. Families gain or lose differentiation over generations according to the successful struggles of their members to develop. <\/p>\n

* …your level of differentiation, and that of your marriage and family, results from how well you and your parents and grandparents succeeded in becoming well-developed individuals while maintaining emotional contact with the family. Differentiation transcends generations because it is partly about intergenerational boundaries. How strong is the emotional umbilical cord between parents and children, particularly during adolescence and adulthood? Have you had to \u201crun away\u201d to other parts of the country to buffer your parents\u2019 impact on you (like Joan\u2019s brother)? Have family members cut off from each other instead of separating emotionally but staying in touch? Do emotional bonds in your family choke its members development? Joan\u2019s comment that \u201cblood is thicker than water\u201d actually describes emotional fusion rather than loyalty. Meaningful sacrifice involves free choices rather than emotional entanglements and guilt. When families (and marriages) have the use of us, there\u2019s no choice involved. <\/p>\n

* When people pick marriage partners, it\u2019s not uncommon to pick someone whose family tried the opposite way of dealing with emotional fusion\u2014but who was no more successful. <\/p>\n

* Bill and Joan also illustrate why emotional fusion is so tenacious: borrowed functioning. Basically differentiation refers to your core \u201csolid self,\u201d the level of development you can maintain independent of shifting circumstances in your relationship. However, you can appear more (or less) differentiated than you really are, depending on your marriage\u2019s current state. Borrowed functioning artificially inflates (or deflates) your functioning. Your \u201cpseudo self\u201d can be pumped up through emotional fusion, which makes poorly differentiated people doggedly hang onto each other. Two people in different relationships can appear to function at the same level although they have achieved different levels of differentiation. The difference is that the better differentiated one will more consistently function well even when the partner isn\u2019t being supportive or encouraging. <\/p>\n

* When we need to be needed and can\u2019t settle for being wanted, we perpetuate poor functioning in our partner to maintain borrowed functioning. Superficially we may look like we\u2019re encouraging our partner\u2019s autonomous functioning, but in truth we suppress it on a daily basis. Borrowed functioning differs from \u201cmutual support\u201d because it artificially suppresses the functioning of one partner while it enhances functioning in the other. It feels good\u2014as long as you\u2019re on the side that is inflated by the borrowed functioning. We all experience a difference between our level of functioning when we support ourselves versus when we are emotionally supported by someone else. The wider this difference is, the more our elevated functioning is not a reflection of our \u201creal\u201d self\u2014not without a partner serving as a booster rocket. We latch onto people with whom we function better. Often we call this \u201cfinding someone who brings out the best in us\u201d\u2014but it\u2019s still borrowed functioning. Since differentiation is a complex process that is easily misunderstood, let me offer several important clarifications:<\/p>\n

People screaming, \u201cI got to be me!\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t fence me in!\u201d and \u201cI need space!\u201d are not highly differentiated. Just the opposite. They are fearful of \u201cdisappearing\u201d in a relationship and do things to avoid their partner\u2019s emotional engulfment. Some create distance; others keep their relationship in constant upheaval. Declaring your boundaries is an important early step in the differentiation process, but it\u2019s done in the context of staying in relationship (that is, close proximity and restricted space). This is quite different from poorly differentiated people who attempt to always \u201ckeep the door open\u201d and who bolt as increasing importance of the relationship makes them feel like they\u2019re being locked up. The process of holding onto your sense of self in an intense emotional relationship is what develops your differentiation. Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when your partner is away or when you are not in a primary love relationship. You value contact, but you don\u2019t fall apart when you\u2019re alone. Differentiation is different from similar sounding concepts. It\u2019s entirely different from \u201cindividualism,\u201d which is an egocentric attempt to set ourselves apart from others. Unlike \u201crugged individualists\u201d who can\u2019t sustain a relationship, differentiated folks welcome and maintain intimate connection. Highly differentiated people also behave differently than the terms autonomy or independence suggest. They can be heedful of their impact on others and take their partners\u2019 needs and priorities into account. As we discussed earlier, differentiation is the ability to balance individuality and togetherness. The differentiated self is solid but permeable, allowing you to remain close even when your partner tries to mold or manipulate you. When you have a solid core of values and beliefs, you can change without losing your identity. You can permit yourself to be influenced by others, changing as new information and shifting circumstances warrant. Realize, however, that this flexible sense of identity develops slowly, out of soul-searching deliberation\u2014not by simply adapting to situations or the wishes of others. Differentiation doesn\u2019t involve any lack of feelings or emotions. You can connect with your partner without fear of being swept up in his or her emotions. You can evaluate your emotions (and your partner\u2019s) both subjectively and objectively. You have feelings, but they don\u2019t control you or define your sense of self. The self-determination of differentiation doesn\u2019t imply selfishness. Differentiation is not about always putting yourself ahead of everyone else. You can choose to be guided by your partner\u2019s best interests, even at the price of your individual agenda. But it doesn\u2019t leave you feeling like you\u2019re being ruled by others\u2019 needs. As you become more differentiated, you recognize those you love are separate people\u2014just like you. What they want for themselves becomes as important to you as what you want for yourself. You value their interests on a par with yours. You can see merit in their positions, even when they contradict or interfere with your own. What I\u2019m describing is called mutuality. Differentiation is the key to mutuality; as a perspective, a mind-set, it offers a solution to the central struggle of any long-term relationship: going forward with your own self-development while being concerned with your partner\u2019s happiness and well-being. When you\u2019ve reached a high level of differentiation, your view of conflict in relationships shifts dramatically. \u201cWhat I want for myself versus what you want for you\u201d shifts to \u201cWhat I want for myself versus my wanting for you what you want for yourself.\u201d If you talk your partner out of what he or she wants so you can have your way, you lose. When you participate in the agendas of those you love and sacrifice out of your own differentiation, it enhances your sense of self rather than leaving you feeling like you have sold yourself out. <\/p>\n

* First, we emerge from our family of origin at about the highest level of differentiation our parents achieved. Our basic level of differentiation is pretty much established by adolescence and can remain at that level for life. In the process of regulating their own emotions, poorly differentiated parents pressure their children for togetherness or distance, which stops children from developing their ability to think, feel, and act for themselves. They learn to conduct themselves only in reaction to others. Raising our level of differentiation is not easy. We can raise it through concentrated effort (like therapy) or crisis (as commonly occurs in the course
\nof marriage, family, friendship, and career). In general, though, the level of differentiation in a family tends to stay relatively the same from one generation to the next. It changes only when a family member is motivated to differentiate him- or herself enough to rewrite the family\u2019s legacy. This reality differs from the popular belief that your spouse is supposed to pull you out of your family\u2019s grasp. Eventually, your partner\u2019s grasp seems most important to loosen! <\/p>\n

Second, we always pick a marital partner who\u2019s at the same level of differentiation as we are. If partners are not at the same level of differentiation, the relationship usually breaks up early. Sometimes one partner is a half-step farther along than the other\u2014but it\u2019s only a half-step. The fantasy that you\u2019re \u201cmuch farther along\u201d than your spouse is just that\u2014a fantasy. If you and your partner argue over who\u2019s healthier or more evolved, you\u2019ll be interested in three important implications: You have about the same tolerance for intimacy, although you may express it differently. You and your spouse make splendid sparring partners because you have roughly the same level of differentiation. Assume you are emotional \u201cequals\u201d even if you\u2019d like to believe otherwise. If you want to discover important but difficult truths hidden in your marriage, stop assuming you\u2019re more differentiated than your partner. Look at things from the view that you\u2019re at the same level and you\u2019ll soon see the trade-offs in your relationship.<\/p>\n

* The many small steps toward core transformation involve more than a self-indulgent search to \u201cfind yourself.\u201d Solitary pilgrimages can lead to discoveries, but so can staying with your partner. The end result can bring you the best of what life offers, but that doesn\u2019t mean the process feels good. No one ever wants to differentiate. You\u2019ll probably do it for the same reasons most people do: differentiating eventually becomes less painful than other alternatives. It\u2019s what Gloria Steinem referred to as outrageous acts of heroism in everyday life. So although becoming more differentiated makes your life less painful, it will not be pain-free. The very process of differentiation can be excruciating at times. Loving is both beautiful and painful. Differentiation offers the ability to tolerate it, enjoy it, and see its meaning. Psychotherapy can do many things. It can aid poorly functioning people and assist those who seek self-knowledge. It can help us affirm ourselves, raise our self-esteem, and remove constricting guilt, doubt, and despair. We function more effectively and efficiently when we\u2019re less fragmented and bottled up. But there are many things psychotherapy cannot do. Psychotherapy can \u201cfree you up\u201d but it can\u2019t give you joy\u2014something Freud well understood, but which we rarely understand about Freud. We\u2019ve promised ourselves paradise through self-knowledge: love, sex, and transcendence will be easy once we know ourselves and our partner. But that\u2019s often when you need to soothe your own heart and calm your own anxieties to take care of yourself. That\u2019s what differentiation offers. By now the paradoxes of differentiation should be clear: while differentiation allows us to set ourselves apart from others and determines how far apart we sit, it also opens the space for true togetherness. It\u2019s about getting closer and more distinct\u2014rather than more distant. <\/p>\n

* How can you tell the married couples in a restaurant? I\u2019ve posed this question to audiences in different cultures and the response is always the same: there\u2019s a long pause for introspection, then the sudden realization, \u201cThey don\u2019t talk to each other!\u201d \u201cAnd how do you know the couples who are dating?\u201d The universal answers come quick, now that they\u2019ve got a frame of reference. \u201cThey talk to each other!\u201d \u201cThey look into each other\u2019s eyes!\u201d Some responses sound wistful. \u201cThey touch!!\u201d \u201cThey still drink beer together!\u201d (That last one rang a bell with many Australians, although it was new to me.) Too often new couples talk nonstop while long-married couples sit in silence. As we discussed in Chapter 2, when you haven\u2019t achieved much differentiation, you depend on validation from others and you look in their eyes for your sense of self. When you\u2019re dating, conversation is designed to reduce anxieties about being rejected and keep open the possibility of a lasting relationship. You search for commonalities and things you agree about. Discussing differences can create awkward silences\u2014not a great strategy if you want a second date. Young couples gab like magpies because they\u2019re stroking and reinforcing each other in their quest for commonality and union. The next question I ask audiences is \u201cWhy aren\u2019t the married couples talking?\u201d Responses are usually slow again. Audience members seem to be thinking, \u201cWhy don\u2019t we talk?!\u201d The answers trickle in. \u201cThey have nothing to say to each other.\u201d \u201cThey\u2019ve said it all.\u201d Some are more idealistic: \u201cThey know each other so well, nothing needs to be said.\u201d Then I point out that the silence is more often icy cold than warm and relaxed. This is not the quiet of long-term intimates. Immediately, people see what I\u2019m driving at: we experience this marital silence as alienation and failed communication. Ask yourself the same question: \u201cWhy aren\u2019t the married couples talking?\u201d If you\u2019re married, you know from personal experience that \u201cthey\u2019ve said it all\u201d isn\u2019t true. Important things are yet to be said\u2014so why do they remain silent? When I ask this question a second time, a few in every audience eventually call out a difficult truth: \u201cThey don\u2019t want to hear what the partner has to say!\u201d Now here\u2019s the million-dollar question: \u201cHow do you know you don\u2019t want to hear what your partner has to say?\u201d The answer is: \u201cBecause you already know!\u201d What we call \u201clack of communication\u201d is often just the opposite: if you truly \u201ccan\u2019t communicate,\u201d you wouldn\u2019t know that you don\u2019t want to hear what your partner has to say. The silence of married couples is testimony to their good communication: each spouse knows the other doesn\u2019t want to hear what\u2019s on his or her mind! <\/p>\n

* We all have a nasty side. Not the \u201cdirty sex\u201d type of nasty (which so many cannot harness). Nasty, as in \u201cYou\u2019re not a very good person.\u201d There\u2019s a side to all of us that\u2019s bad\u2014evil. All of us have a touch of it; some have more. We all torment those we love while feigning unawareness. Marriage is perhaps the place we do it most frequently\u2014and with impunity. We withhold the sweetness of sex and intimacy while acting like we want to please\u2014and in the course of this deceit, we pervert our sexual potential. Early American philosopher Thomas Paine said that infidelity (as in \u201creligious infidel\u201d) is not about what we do or don\u2019t believe\u2014it\u2019s professing to believe what we do not. Jokes about marriage and masochism abound, but we rarely acknowledge marital sadism. \u201cSnorgasms\u201d (\u201cI\u2019ve had my orgasm; good luck getting yours!\u201d) and lousy oral sex may originate in ignorance, but they are perfected within marriage. The long-term marital relationship is where you learn to screw your partner two ways at once\u2014withholding the erotic gratification he craves while having sex with him. J. P. McEvoy said, \u201cThe Japanese have a word for it. It\u2019s judo\u2014the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is, \u2018Yes, dear.\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n

The American Psychiatric Association glossary defines sadism as \u201cpleasure derived from inflicting physical or psychological pain or abuse on others. The sexual significance of sadistic wishes or behavior may be conscious or unconscious. When necessary for sexual gratification, [it is] classifiable as a sexual deviation.\u201d The Association also considered (and then dropped) a diagnostic category of \u201csadistic personality disorder.\u201d The criteria included (a) humiliating and demeaning others, (b) lying to inflict pain, (c) restricting the autonomy of people in close relationships, and (d) getting others to comply through intimidation. Apparently, the psychiatrists favoring this diagnostic category considered marital sadism to be normal: the diagnosis wasn\u2019t applicable if sadistic behavior was directed toward one person, such as your spouse. <\/p>\n

If given the chance, spouses (hesitantly) acknowledge hating their partner. They seem relieved to admit it\u2014as long as they\u2019re not sitting next to their spouse when they do. But exactly this kind of difficult face-to-face acknowledgment enhances differentiation and reduces normal marital sadism. Author Stella Gibbons has written, \u201cThere must be a dumb, dark, dull, bitter belly-tension between a man and a woman. How else could this be achieved save in the long monotony of marriage?\u201d In my workshops and public lectures I discuss marital hatred. Audience members laugh nervously, realizing they are in a sea of nervous smiles. <\/p>\n

Most of us feel it\u2019s okay to be angry, angry, angry at our partner\u2014as long as we don\u2019t hate him or her. Labeling what we feel as hatred can seem like crossing a line beyond which love cannot exist. Hating is to anger as fucking is to sex. It makes us nervous to do either one. Lots of people act like they\u2019re ignorant of both. More of us know more about hating than fucking. Sometimes we hate our spouses because we love them. Our love makes us vulnerable to what they can do to us, what they can do to themselves, and what can befall them (and, indirectly, us). We deny our hatred because it hurts our narcissism and makes us feel unlovable (but it\u2019s apparently okay as long we\u2019re \u201cblind\u201d\u2014that\u2019s normal marital sadism). Why do we attempt to deny when we feel hatred? The superficial reason is that most of us are taught that it\u2019s bad, bad, bad to hate. But there\u2019s something deeper: children (and immature adults) can\u2019t tolerate the powerful tension of ambivalence towards those they love. Many people believe, \u201cYou can\u2019t love and hate the same person at the same time.\u201d They believe: \u201cIf you love me, you can\u2019t hate me.\u201d \u201cIf you hate me, you can\u2019t love me.\u201d \u201cIf I hate you, I must not love you.\u201d \u201cIf I love you, then I can\u2019t hate you.\u201d <\/p>\n

The fact is, people who cannot acknowledge their hatred are most pernicious to those they \u201clove.\u201d One cannot control what one won\u2019t acknowledge exists. Mature adults have the strength to recognize and own their ambivalent feelings towards their partner. They self-soothe the tension of loving and hating the same person at the same time\u2014and the fact that their partner feels similarly. Marriage invites the necessary differentiation: it\u2019s hard tolerating hatred when your marriage is rancorous. But it\u2019s tougher seeing it when everything is going fine. It makes you respect couples who are friends. Marriage helps you realize you\u2019re living with an out-and-out sadist! And then there\u2019s your partner to deal with . . . Normal sadism is observable in every family. <\/p>\n

At some point every parent, for one reason or another, withholds the emotional gratification his or her child wants. And at some point, spouses are bound to use torture to achieve their ends. (One husband tortured his family by making them all whine about his procrastination; then he wouldn\u2019t fulfill his commitments because they had complained.) <\/p>\n

Emotional fusion fuels and shapes normal marital sadism. You see it when a spouse attacks the partner\u2019s reflected sense of self. Statements like, \u201cIf you were good enough, I\u2019d have orgasms . . . or no sexual difficulties . . . or desire for you\u201d are invitations for the partner to feel bad. Or when women fake orgasms and then have contempt for their partner, who feels proud. One variant involves faking not having an orgasm! Women who practice this kind of sadism want the pleasure but don\u2019t want their partner feeling good about it, so when they reach orgasm they hide it. Some husbands do it by blatantly ogling younger women, or sending sexual vibes to their wife\u2019s best friend. Disparate sexual desire is inevitable, but emotional Siamese twins interpret any disparity as sexual incompatibility. It\u2019s better to think of sexual compatibility as having the willingness to use divergent preferences. <\/p>\n

Properly managed, you picked the right partner. As commonly managed, disparate desire is a playground for normal marital sadism. Monogamy operates differently at different levels of differentiation. I didn\u2019t know this until I saw it with my clients. We think of monogamy as an ironclad agreement containing no ifs, ands, or buts. But it is really a complex system with rules and dynamics of its own. Differentiation changes monogamy by returning genital ownership to each partner. Emotional Siamese twins act as if their partner\u2019s genitals are communal property. Monogamy is a prison when it\u2019s based on emotional fusion, for fusion shackles desire and prompts withholding as a means of reaffirming emotional boundaries (Chapter 5). But monogamy per se is not the problem. The problem arises when we lack the differentiation necessary for the kind of monogamy we want. <\/p>\n

Monogamy between undifferentiated partners creates a sexual monopoly: the partner with the lower desire controls the supply and the price of sex. Deprivation and extortion flourish at low levels of differentiation in ways that dating and open marriage \u201cfree markets\u201d won\u2019t allow. Poorly differentiated couples approach monogamy as a promise to each other\u2014and later blame their spouse for their mutual deprivation pact. Some inflict the effects of personal (sexual) difficulties on their spouse. They justify this by citing their partner\u2019s shortcomings or saying, \u201cLook, it\u2019s happening to me, too!\u201d They get so good at inflicting their problems on their partner that they overlook the fact that they enjoy the act of inflicting per se. Some spouses wield monogamy like a bludgeon, battering their partner with their commitment in ways never intended by marriage vows. They say, \u201cYou promised to love me for better and for worse\u2014and that includes my (sexual) limitations!\u201d Yes, we all marry \u201cfor better and for worse,\u201d but the assumption is that spouses will do everything possible to overcome their limitations\u2014not simply demand their partner put up with them! <\/p>\n

Although many of us lack sufficient differentiation for the kind of monogamy we want, the monogamy we have often provides the crucible in which we can develop it. Like a pressure cooker, monogamy harnesses pressures and tensions that produce differentiation. Absence of other sex partners, along with disparate sexual desire and styles, drives spouses toward gridlock. This forces the two-choice dilemma of self-confrontation\/self-validation vs. normal marital sadism. This is the process Audrey and Peter were going through\u2014although they hardly appreciated the elegance of it at the time. <\/p>\n

Monogamy operates differently in highly differentiated couples: it stops being a ponderous commitment to one\u2019s partner (or \u201cthe relationship\u201d) and becomes a commitment to oneself. The relationship is driven more by personal integrity and mutual respect than by reciprocal deprivation or bludgeoning. It\u2019s no longer your partner\u2019s fault you don\u2019t have sex with other people; it\u2019s part of your decision to be monogamous. And the pressures of disparate sexual desire come with your decision, too. Having an affair becomes more a self-betrayal than a betrayal of your partner (since you promised yourself and not him). That same integrity supports the self-validated intimacy necessary to keep your sexual relationship alive and growing. You feel less controlled by your spouse, and less motivated to have an affair. That\u2019s fortunate, because it\u2019s also not safe to have affairs or withold from a partner whose integrity runs his monogamy: if he won\u2019t tolerate adultery or sexual laziness from himself, he\u2019s not likely to tolerate either one from you. There is less room to offer mercy fucks\u2014and no reason to believe they\u2019d be accepted. <\/p>\n

I first learned the term mercy fuck from a client. Couples intuitively recognize that it refers to, \u201cI\u2019ll do you a BIG favor. I really don\u2019t want sex or you. But if you insist, I\u2019ll accommodate you. You can use my body\u2014and you\u2019d better appreciate it!\u201d Normal marital sadism surfaces in gifts given or received that are never quite right. Mercy fucking withholds the sweetness of sex, breaks your partner\u2019s heart (if he or she catches on), and leaves little recourse. You let your partner climb on top of you to get him off your back. The goal isn\u2019t doing your partner\u2014it\u2019s getting done with it so you don\u2019t have to do it tomorrow<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/experts\/david-schnarch-phd https:\/\/crucibletherapy.com\/about\/david-schnarch https:\/\/passionatemarriage.com\/ David Schnarch writes in his book Passionate Marriage: * When we talk about developing a fuller, deeper understanding of marriage, many people automatically think of unconscious feelings or repressed experiences. We\u2019ve grown accustomed to looking at life\u2019s … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[619],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-129749","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marriage"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t