{"id":11766,"date":"2009-10-14T15:25:53","date_gmt":"2009-10-14T23:25:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=11766"},"modified":"2009-10-14T16:01:44","modified_gmt":"2009-10-15T00:01:44","slug":"luke-fords-secret-diary-vii","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=11766","title":{"rendered":"Luke Ford’s Secret Diary VII"},"content":{"rendered":"

Part one<\/a>. Part two<\/a>. Part three<\/a>. Part four<\/a>. Part Five<\/a>. Part Six<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Sept. 8. 2009. I got into trouble today. I got too high on my bipolar spectrum and sent off a bunch of emails that I thought were funny but she found hurtful.<\/p>\n

A son asks his mom (a friend of mine), "What’s a shiksa?"<\/p>\n

She replied: "Your girlfriend, for a start."<\/p>\n

Secular Jews.<\/p>\n

***** never fails to say something stupid, something that makes me regret sharing with him.<\/p>\n

******* would not be so upset if she did not really like me.<\/p>\n

A lot of people have put themselves out to facilitate my conversion to Orthodox Judaism. I owe them. I don’t want to let them down. Nobody seems to know I’ve been going through this giur (conversion) for the past 15 months. I’m glad. I can’t believe it stayed private. What a relief. I hate questions about it.<\/p>\n

I’m barely in shul these days. I just pop in and out. I don’t want to take a chance on anything going wrong with my conversion. One hater can ruin your whole life.<\/p>\n

Sept. 13. I passed the Beit Din. It was neither easy nor difficult. I played it right. I could’ve lost my nerve and given up lukeford.net and my independent blogging and had Rabbi X sponsor me, but I did not. I went the hard way. I’m a drama queen. There’s no need to get goofy.<\/p>\n

I can risk being vulnerable to others, just as I was with this Beit Din. I don’t have to assume the worst about others. I can be careful with them, treat them as I would want to be treated. I can be secure in myself and less likely to lash out at others.<\/p>\n

I can walk taller in Pico-Robertson. I can accept aliyot (calls to the Torah). I’m the real deal, a real Orthodox Jew now. I’m not playing dress-up.<\/p>\n

How many times did I fear this day would never arrive?<\/p>\n

Sept. 14. I had my triumph yesterday. What lingers? A feeling of satisfaction and gratitude. I must shape up and fly straight. I’m driven to challenge the rabbis, push them to the limit. Most get tired of this and kick me to the curb.<\/p>\n

Sept. 15. I embraced my bad boy last night. I celebrated the inappropriate things I’ve said. I was passionate and I connected. I came from a place of strength. Usually when I think about the dumb things I’ve said and done, I’m ashamed and shrunken and defensive and prone to lying.<\/p>\n

I emailed **** last night. She responded. We talked on the phone. She still hates Orthodox Judaism. We’ll be friends with benefits. Will this get in the way of my getting married? I miss the intimacy. I need rest. I have felt run-down for weeks. I can’t sleep. *** will help. I slept last night with that kundalini music playing softly. I am grateful to have so much female attention. Now I want to find the one.<\/p>\n

I have a lot of concerns about returning to ****. There remains a considerable charge. It’s always me returning to her. I have to make the first move.<\/p>\n

Sept. 16. *** was really good. Conversation was good. We have such a strong connection. I am still exhausted. I wonder why I can’t sleep. **** listed off all these reasons why I am gay. I am thrilled I got to introduce **** to a lot of David Deida’s ideas. She’s open to his ideas. She’s open to a lot of my thoughts.<\/p>\n

I can’t take any job while I am this exhausted. I had a good afternoon of blogging, but writing about myself rarely brings many hits or dollars. I need scoops.<\/p>\n

I am so grateful that **** is back in my life. I was not better off without her. Most girls can’t hold a candle to her. I still don’t think that she’s ready for a relationship. I’m out of balance. When I become jealous and needy, **** is the pause that refreshes.<\/p>\n

Sept. 17. So that was another amazing night. We both opened up. She shared her fantasies for the first time. I love how we’re unfolding to each other.<\/p>\n

**** says I stopped talking to her. I did not realize that. We’d go to yoga and we’d get disconnected. She’s ashamed to be seen with me in public. Ashamed to think that people might believe we’re together.<\/p>\n

Sept. 29. I’ve been sick and tired and anxious, but I am back with **** and thus I have excitement, intimacy, companionship. I’m going to the opera tomorrow night. Lisa’s invite.<\/p>\n

Sept 30. I sit here waiting for the free parking to open up at 7pm on Grand and 8th. I’m still feverish but I am slowly getting better. I got two people off my back this afternoon by giving them what they wanted.<\/p>\n

If **** were more free in her body, not as pulled down and tense, her neck like granite, she’d be more free socially with me. I don’t want a 50-50 relationship. I want intimate communion. I should make peace with pursuing her. So she does not always call me back? Big deal. Man up.<\/p>\n

Oct. 1. Last night’s opera date with **** was everything I could want and more. She fascinates and excites me. She rocks my world more than any woman has. And I am more more compatible with her. I just feel happy and excited by life.<\/p>\n

**** is amazed that everywhere we go, I run into someone I know.<\/p>\n

When the *** runs out, where will we be? I’m wary about how emotionally involved she is with her dog.<\/p>\n

Oct. 2. I am so scared about money. I’ve made no progress on this. I want to take action but I am sick.<\/p>\n

Rodger…is playing with doing a one-act play based upon my ….<\/p>\n

I’ve signed up for that storytelling workshop.<\/p>\n

Oct. 7. My writing workshop was everything I wanted and more. Terrie is a great teacher. I love her questions. Her feedback. Her powerful laugh. What does it mean that I want to be a rock that women dash themselves against? I want to be strong.<\/p>\n

It’s been 2.5 weeks since I got sick. I think I’m finally feeling better. It’s discouraging. I’m no closer to a solution for my finances.<\/p>\n

That was funny and running into Mary* outside my place. She now lives on my street. Boy, did she blow me off. Did not answer any of my last four emails.<\/p>\n

I find the writing workshop a stimulus to my spirit, to my ego, to my creativity. It’s just the thing I need — to get out of the house and meeting people and competing and working on my writing.<\/p>\n

Oct. 13. I did not handle **** too well this morning. Maybe she will get the message. I sent the same sort of email to Holly. She’d say, I’d never know what you were thinking until I read your blog or your emails. Holly got the message. She handled it OK.<\/p>\n

I just made the requisite phone call apology to ****.<\/p>\n

I only obsess over **** when the circumstances of my life permit it. There are lots of exciting women out there. I’ve dated many of them. Maybe I’m slowly feeling better, but I am still weak and feverish and heavy.<\/p>\n

The reference librarians here are hot. Young and hot and smart.<\/p>\n

**** is a hopeless case with her anger, her contempt for men, her secular leftist values, her infidelity, her shame at being seen with me in public, her attachment to her dog…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Part one. Part two. Part three. Part four. Part Five. Part Six. Sept. 8. 2009. I got into trouble today. I got too high on my bipolar spectrum and sent off a bunch of emails that I thought were funny … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[21],"tags":[19432,822,950,1132,19405,1893,13340],"class_list":["post-11766","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal","tag-bipolar-spectrum","tag-luke-ford","tag-orthodox-jew","tag-orthodox-judaism","tag-secret-diary","tag-secular-jews","tag-shiksa"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t