{"id":106632,"date":"2016-09-14T08:33:48","date_gmt":"2016-09-14T16:33:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=106632"},"modified":"2016-09-14T08:33:48","modified_gmt":"2016-09-14T16:33:48","slug":"10-weird-and-wonderful-things-about-living-among-hasidic-jews","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/?p=106632","title":{"rendered":"10 Weird and Wonderful Things About Living Among Hasidic Jews"},"content":{"rendered":"

Gavin McInnes writes in 2013<\/a>:<\/p>\n

The Great Bike Lanes War of Williamsburg has been raging since at least 2009. Hot girls on bikes ride through Hasidic communities flaunting their blasphemously saucy legs and ungodly cleavage. The Hasidim retaliated by painting over the bike lanes and the hipsters fought back by painting them on again. The Hasidim got the city involved and the hipsters fought back by having a topless bicycle parade<\/a>. When Mayor Bloomberg told the Hasidim to get with the program, they pointed out that it\u2019s almost election time and they hold a huge sway over who gets elected<\/a>. The bike lanes were gone the next day. <\/p>\n

That doesn\u2019t mean the beef isn\u2019t still on. Just last week a female friend sent me this video<\/a> of a van full of Hasidim attacking a cyclist for riding through their neighborhood. <\/p>\n

We didn\u2019t have this kind of conflict in Montreal. Up there the Hasidim just make the most delicious bagels<\/a> in the universe and leave everybody alone. Maybe women in New York are just sexier? <\/p>\n

\n3. THEY CAN\u2019T TOUCH WOMEN<\/strong>
\nI\u2019m not bananas about menstrual blood, but my experience has been that most women wash their hands after inserting a tampon. If a woman wants to give a Hasidic guy change at his photography store, she has to kind of lob it at his hand. This isn\u2019t usually a problem because Hasidim have developed almost freakishly good catching skills. <\/p>\n

One of the more amusing side effects of this rule is when newbies accidentally touch them. I\u2019ve seen girls pull back their arm and apologize before realizing, \u201cWait, why am I apologizing for violating your stupid rule?\u201d<\/p>\n

On the less amusing side, we have their total incompatibility with the modern world. While working at a high-tech firm\u2019s marketing department, a colleague of mine and his female coworker were asked to conduct a job interview with a Hasid. Now, I don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve been out there in the real world but the vast majority of clients accepting your bids are women. Sure, the top brass is male but they don\u2019t sully themselves with the day-to-day. I\u2019m told we live in a patriarchy but all me and my peers see are cougars and if we don\u2019t make them happy, we\u2019re out of a job (yes, that has included sex). <\/p>\n

Anyhoo, during the interview the female coworker puts out her hand and the Hasid yanks it back while apologizing for this ancient law. They continued with the interview knowing there is no way in Hades they could hire this guy. How are you supposed to schmooze a nation of cougars when you can\u2019t even shake their hands? Of course, they couldn\u2019t say any of this so they made up some excuse not to hire him and vowed to never tell a soul about this, except me, years later, anonymously. <\/p>\n

\n4. THEY CAN\u2019T TOUCH WHORES? <\/strong>
\nI wouldn\u2019t believe this if I didn\u2019t see it with my own eyes. When I first moved to Williamsburg, it was known more for crackheads than hipsters and I could see the most disgusting whores I\u2019d ever seen from my office window. They didn\u2019t even try. They\u2019d have on one Ugg boot and a slipper and a sideways baseball hat that had puke on it and they\u2019d write odes to state-confiscated children in our hallway that said, \u201cMami misses you my angels. Come home soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

Usually, the only people desperate enough to do business with these Ladies of the Day were truckers finishing a 40-hour drive and Hasidic Jews. The latter group would pull up in a minivan and the junkie hobgoblin would topple in to perform blowjobs half a block away. Ew. <\/p>\n

I asked an Orthodox Jewess what this was all about and she said some of them don\u2019t see goyim as human so it was about as sinful as using a blow-up doll. I still don\u2019t get how that doesn\u2019t constitute touching. Maybe if women wore condoms on their hands, they could do more business in the Hasidic community? <\/p>\n

\n5. THEY MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE A MINOR PROBLEM WITH INBREEDING<\/strong>
\nI know a guy who works at Mount Sinai and he told me the genetics-treatment center contains a wildly disproportionate number of Hasidic Jews. In fact, they have their own Genetics Disease Center<\/a>. This may have to do with marrying close to one\u2019s family. Or it may not. You know what? I\u2019m just going to drop this and move on.<\/p>\n

6. THEY TAKE STUFF OUT OF YOUR SHOPPING CART<\/strong>
\nI\u2019ve heard the upper-class Hasidim resent the ones in my neighborhood and see them as trash. I\u2019ve also heard the ones in Brooklyn turn their noses up at the ones upstate where I also live. They do seem weirder in the country. Such a formal style of dress and such a rigid culture don\u2019t seem compatible with nature. A bear even ate<\/a> one of them. The locals don\u2019t seem particularly fond of them, either, and I\u2019m told it\u2019s because the Hasidic community doesn\u2019t pay their fair share of tax. Residents of upstate New York are big on \u201cWhat can the state do for me?\u201d which doesn\u2019t jibe with organized religion though it does jibe heavily with my libertarian beliefs, so I\u2019m going to call this more wonderful than weird. <\/p>\n

The Home Depot in Monticello, NY is always packed with Hasidim and one of them went up to a female friend of mine, took something out of her shopping cart, and put it in his. When she said, \u201cOh, hell no\u201d and put it back in hers, he looked like he just heard a ghost say, \u201cOh, hell no\u201d and then saw the object float from his cart back into an abandoned one. <\/p>\n

\n7. HERPES IS A THING<\/strong>
\nThere have been stories of Hasidic women getting herpes from the prostitutes their husbands frequent\u2014AAAWKWAARD. This trend becomes disturbing when babies are involved.<\/p>\n

Brit milah<\/em> is a Jewish circumcision practice that involves a mohel putting his mouth over the baby\u2019s bleeding penis afterward and sucking the blood. I have heard a lot of pedophile jokes about Catholic priests, but this ripe arena for comedy remains untouched (except for one episode of Freak Show<\/em><\/a> written by two hilarious Jews, David Cross and Jon Benjamin). If the mohel has herpes, he\u2019s likely to give it to the baby and since 2000 this has happened more than a dozen times<\/a>, including one baby who died<\/a> from it. Health chiefs in New York are now pushing<\/a> to have the mohel use a tube to avoid spreading the STD, but there\u2019s no word on how well that\u2019s going…<\/p>\n

9. ONE OF THEM IS NAMED LEMON JUICE<\/strong>
\nThere was an infuriating case in the news last year where a Hasidic counselor was convicted of 59 counts<\/a> of sexual abuse. Fellow Hasidim harassed his victims and took pictures of a 17-year-old girl he had forced to reenact sex acts. When confronted with charges of obstructing justice, one of his supporters said<\/a>, \u201cEven if it\u2019s true, he shouldn\u2019t go to jail. A Jew doesn\u2019t belong in jail.\u201d <\/p>\n

It would be unfair to say the rest of the Hasidic community didn\u2019t despise this guy and rejoice when he was sentenced to 103 years. There\u2019s an entire website<\/a> devoted to hating him and it was created by a member of his family. However, one of the guys harassing the victims is named Lemon Juice<\/a> and I haven\u2019t heard anyone criticize that. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Gavin McInnes writes in 2013: The Great Bike Lanes War of Williamsburg has been raging since at least 2009. Hot girls on bikes ride through Hasidic communities flaunting their blasphemously saucy legs and ungodly cleavage. The Hasidim retaliated by painting … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[33,577],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-106632","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-abuse","category-hasidim"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106632","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=106632"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106632\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":106633,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106632\/revisions\/106633"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=106632"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=106632"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=106632"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}