Today, I\u2019m not average weight. Sometimes I\u2019m \u201ccurvy\u201d and sometimes I\u2019m \u201cobese.\u201d The more fat I am, the more vulnerable I feel; the harsher I am to myself, the more unforgiving. I sometimes look in the mirror and see that young girl dressed in a baseball cap and flannel shirt, and I think, \u201cDamn, I\u2019m so ugly.\u201d My husband scolds me, telling me to stop being mean to his wife. But I have no control over that part of my brain.<\/p>\n Why is it that when I put on makeup and get my nails done, I instantly begin to feel better about myself? Who pounded that into my brain? Too many people, too many messages along the way from pre-pubescence to adulthood to pinpoint any one moment I decided my body wasn\u2019t good enough, wasn\u2019t beautiful enough.<\/p>\n I buy Spanx to hide a stomach that, frankly, cannot be hidden. It does not matter that I have had four abdominal surgeries: that does not quell the insecurities. It does not matter that I have grown two children. Or that my body has taken in countless medications, from birth control to ovary stimulating hormones; from anti-anxiety pills to anti-inflammatories. All of which list rapid weight gain as a major side effect. Knowing that some of it is out of my control does not help my self-esteem.<\/p>\n As I stare at myself in the mirror, baseball cap and flannel shirt staring back at me, I wonder how that girl turned into this woman. And in the background of my thoughts, emanating from the other room, the sounds of the TV blare, \u201cYou\u2019re a fat pig! Look at that face. You\u2019re disgusting.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Women seem to take things personally. By Talia Liben Yarmush: Today, I\u2019m not average weight. Sometimes I\u2019m \u201ccurvy\u201d and sometimes I\u2019m \u201cobese.\u201d The more fat I am, the more vulnerable I feel; the harsher I am to myself, the more … Continue reading ![\"6392380\"](\"https:\/\/lukeford.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/6392380-200x300.jpg\")
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