Beans On A Wednesday

David Cole Stein posts: Oh Wednesday Bean, why do you always do this to me? EVERYONE in my neighborhood has a “gentlemen’s agreement” about our gardeners. Our gardeners come IN THE MORNING. That way, the noise, the sprinklers, and the toxic fumes from the gas-powered leaf blowers, all occur at the same time. We get it over with, and the rest of the day we can keep our windows open and enjoy the fresh air. It’s also a good situation for the Beans, as they can greet each other and socialize; one homeowner’s gardener can catch up with another and discuss the noticias del día (“el déficit nacional es muy grande”). They even divide up the empty liquor bottles in my recyclable bin (there’s always more than enough to go around).
It’s a good system. We all enjoy it. Except for this ONE neighbor who has his Bean come at 4pm every Wednesday, prime working hours for me, when I like to have my windows open so that the fresh, cooling breeze can take my mind off the Reaper’s cold hand of death slowly tightening its grip on my very existence. But no, every fucking Wednesday at 4, I have to close ALL the windows as the Wednesday Bean goes up and down, up and down, the property line I share with the neighbor, chasing every leaf, blowing longer and harder than a Pornhub star.
Interestingly, Wednesday Bean is also the only gardener in the neighborhood who works alone (hence the inordinate amount of time it takes him to finish). You know why you’re alone, Wednesday Bean? Because you’re a DICK. Come in the morning like a normal gardener.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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