I didn’t sleep well, and shortly after I finally drifted off, my alarm went off at 5:35 am. At the time, I was in a dream where these dusky guys were making fun of me online and I ran into them in person and I tried desperately to connect with them and to be friends and they had such contempt for me and yet I kept trying to bond.
I think that when you have secure attachment, you are less likely to try to befriend people who have contempt for you, but when you have anxious attachment like I do, you often end up seeking connection in all sorts of inappropriate places. I have often sought friendship with people who loathed me. It’s a sickness. A friend says I’d make a good battered husband.
A couple of acquaintances remember running into me circa 1998 after they had expressed great contempt for me on their website Talking Blue and they were shocked and bemused that I was trying to befriend them. I think they felt sorry for me and eventually they accepted a grudging friendship wherein they could maintain their contempt.
We all have to connect and attach. If we can’t do it in a healthy way with other people, we’ll do it in unhealthy ways with other people, places, things, substances, experiences.
The other day I got invited to join a football pool. “I can’t,” I said. “I’m a gambling addict. Excitement is dangerous for me. I have to lead a tranquil life.”