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Luke's Proud Aboriginal Heritage

Many of you thought I was kidding. And here. See, I'm an Aboriginal-Australian-American who once watched a movie about the Holocaust. Therefore I am immune from racism.

Cecile writes: Maybe you're part Aborigine, but you're an American which counts more. People shouldn't really care about other people's backgrounds. It makes them sound like multiculturalist moonbats. Be a proud American and we'll believe you! Very good entry on the party. Glad you came! Haeley is wondering where she should go to an Orthodox Jewish service. Any suggestions? She was asking about your tzittzit as she is going to my temple this morn. Sorry I paraded the Korean food in front of you. The squid--yeah was disgusting. The texture is disgusting but the taste was too spicy to differ.

Cathy Seipp, Cecile du Bois Host Halloween Party Saturday Night

I consulted Yahoo Maps for the directions but they seemed too complicated, requiring passage through four freeways. I figured I could find it by feel and ended up going several miles out of my way, calling Cathy on my cell phone, and finally guided in by a flashlight-wielding Harvey Seipp (Cathy's father) just after 7PM.

I came as an Orthodox Jew, my yarmulke from the Israeli town of Sfat, and my tzitzit (fringes) down to my knees. They're a big hit.

I see no reason for a Torah Jew to grovel before the goyim and the assimilated Jews, trying to dress and like one of them. I wear my superiority on my fringes.

Cathy (in a mouse outfit), her daughter Cecile (and some of her young friends), and Nancy Rommelman (dressed as a cat) looked particularly stunning. I felt instantly at home while munching on Nancy's chocolate brownies. I almost asked her to sit on my lap but I figured I should put up a pious front, and besides, she got married and has a 14 year old daughter.

Cathy Seipp writes me:

I was a cat, not a mouse; Nancy was a cavewoman, not a cat; and why do you always say Roman "Gans?" Gross. Sounds like "glans." Which isn't that some sort of male organ or something? It's Roman Genn, and he even has a good website now, rgenn.com. You could also add that he drew "Cecile" a very good picture of Arafat on a balloon which she plans to take to Sunday school.... And you could write that David Finnigan has "The Big Lebowski" on DVD -- yes, he owns it!

Cathy Seipp writes on her blog:

Luke had on a yarmulke and tzitzit, those long fringey things Orthodox Jewish men wear, which he doesn't usually wear [LF: outside shirt]. He told everyone he has the longest and most impressive tzitzit south of Pico, but since I've never seen a man's tzitzit up close before, I'll just have to take his word for it. He was actually on good behavior, not like a few weeks ago when he'd drastically reduced the lithium and, as Emmanuelle put it in her French accent, was "unbear-r-r-r-able," and I think he made a far better impression on my friend Greg Critser and his wife Antoinette than the last time he met them. But that was years before I myself had met Luke, and people say that he was far less socially acceptable in those days.

I had a long talk with the spirited redhead Jill Stewart (who only got where she is because of her looks and lack of fear in using them, according to her critics). I complained that I can't write description. She says that's not true. I describe women well.

Mickey Kaus came in an Al Gore mask that he only took off for a couple of seconds. He stayed in character most of the night. He put his hand on my shoulder and said he'd done some research into me and found out that I was a big hypocrite. Boy, that must've taken some digging. That Mickey is a regular LA Times investigative reporter.

Mickey, Jill and others left around 10PM for illustrator Eric Almendrahl's party in North Hollywood.

Roman Glands, National Review illustrator from Russia, says the Richard Riordan issue of LA Examiner owes him $200.

Cecile eats squid in front of me, taunting me in a teenage manner reminiscent of David Poland.

Luke: "Do you hate yourself as a Jew?"

Cecile takes a crunch. "It's not so bad. You should try it."

Luke: "Why don't you try heroin too? It's not so bad. Just shoot it into your veins."

Jill: "You're giving weird advice tonight."

Cathy: "Tonight? Why is tonight different from all other nights?"

Many goyim came to the party, some quite smart, like Greg Critser and his lovely wife Antoinette. The champagne glass is based on her.

Some revolutionaires stormed the barricades of Cathy's house but we drove them away with harsh Jewish invective. They wanted to take Antoinette to the guillotine.

I sit near Rand Sindberg much of the night. I talk to Debbie Gendel's husband Morgan. I must interview him. He's not only a pretty face, a wonderful husband, and a lousy Jew, but an accomplished television screenwriter and producer.

Hey Morgan, please don't back out of that interview offer because of that "lousy Jew" remark. It was meant as satire. I was poking fun of my own tendency towards self-righteousness and judgmentalism. It was a joke about the fleeting nature of religious and moral truth, and an acknowledgment of the universal nature of relativity.

Author David Rensin brings along his 13-year old son, who's a fervent libertarian, has hair down to almost his waist, and fingernails painted black.

I call Moxie "Molly" after a pretty blonde I met on the Internet. Read her party report.

I drink five glasses of water. I don't trust the kashrut in this place, except from Nancy, 'cause she's so pious.

Cecile welcomes me into her room where all the kids are. She introduces me as a big deal. She gives me a tour of the house, including Cathy's bedroom, which did not appear filled with erotic lingerie, but rather with books.

Harvey Seipp lives downstairs.

His friend David Crawley told me I wasted too much energy... And I was thinking, on what? Blogging? Pursuing women? Rooting for the Dallas Cowboys? No, he said religion. It was bunk.

Cathy's house appeared neat, clean, organized and ready for a party.

Ace reporter David Finnigan came but I can't write a word he said.

I got lost driving home and it took me an hour.

Friday afternoon, I hung out in Santa Monica with a new friend from the Wednesday Morning Club. We bought her a 36" television for $1000 and then had a 3PM lunch at Real Food Daily, next to two Orthodox Jews.

I walked in the park afterwards reading "Returning" by Dan Wakefield, before heading off to the University of Judaism, arriving before sundown. I read on for another half hour before heading to the singles dinner. A stream of UJ students passed me, wearing jeans and sweats, carrying their Sabbath meal in a plastic bag for efficient consumption before heading off for an evening of "clubbing."

As I passed through the dining hall, I saw about 100 University of Judaism students readying for the Sabbath meal. Again, they were all dressed like slobs.

At the singles dinner, most people dressed up. I sized up the hottest woman in the room as this dark mysterious exotic brunette. As I prepared to hit on her, something dinged in my head, and I realized she was Rabbi Neal Weinberg's wife (he runs the conversion program at UJ and I've known him for a decade). They brought along their kid who looks about 15.

Over dinner, I kept trying to impress this Persian pharmacist with how traditional, how Orthodox, how observant I was. She asked me how I got here. I said I drove, but I arrived before sunset, and I've left my car running so I wouldn't have to turn the ignition and light a fire (breaking a law in Leviticus) on the Sabbath.

After dinner, Brian Fox led us in Jewish Improv.

I'm walking out to my car. The pharmacist tags along. She wants to see if it is really still running. She thinks I lied to her. I explain my car is about a mile away, up the hill, and yes it is still running.

My vehicle, like my life, runs on faith. Praise God.

The first two people I said "Gut Shabbos" to in shul Saturday morning ignored me. That made me feel bad.

Nicholas writes:

Luke could you do me a favour and remove my full name from a comment I wrote for Cecile's blog that ended up on Lukeford.net. I fear that you are trying to embarrass me because I told you, in all seriousness, to start dating 80 year-old women. (Maybe I'm paranoid.) My comment is a pompous, stupid, hysterical, mean-spirited rant against Muslims; it's not worthy of your fine site; it doesn't reflect my truth feelings on the subject, which are actually a little bit more textured; and, more importantly, I don't want my name attached to it in Google's database in perpetuity. Thank you very much for your cooperation.

By the way, I'm slowly working my way through your (overly long) autobiography and I've read your profiles of Cathy Seipp and Dennis Prager. I have a theory as to why you still have a relationship with the former but the latter angrily blew you off. It has to do with your need for clear boundaries and your even greater need to be naughty and transgress those boundaries, leading to an inevitable scolding that you secretly enjoy on some level because you don't feel worthy of love. Most people are not willing to play this game with you for very long, but in Miss Seipp you have found someone who actually enjoys offering advice and disciplining you when you misbehave. This theory also explains your disinterest in therapeutic Christianity and your attraction to a very didactic form of Judaism.

In case you hadn't notice, I'm completely ignorant of human psychology (its not a subject I've ever found interesting) so my observations are either ridiculously obvious or completely absurd. Nevertheless, I will get back to you in a week or so when I've finished studying the minutiae of your fascinating life--at which point we can debate who is crazier: you for putting this stuff on the Internet or me for actually reading it.

by Jim Romenesko

Nicholas Writes Cecile du Bois About Islamic Civilization

This is an excellent presentation, Cecile. I certainly would have been interested if I could have been so fortunate as to have listened to it in person. Here are some of my comments and questions.

1) Hamid Karzai is the leader of Afghanistan is he not? This makes his comments all the more disturbing.

2) Mahathir's opinions are "subtle"? You're joking. The man is a half-wit.

3) What "paleoliberal leaders" are you referring to? Sharon is a paleoliberal? Bush? The problem is that no-one really knows what to do. Its not clear that giving Sharon a free hand would really help matters over the middle- and long-term.

4) I don't know if any Western leader agrees with Mahathir's remarks, although Chirac is a coward and too blinded by his hatred of America to unequivocally condemn Mahathir's disgusting nonsense.

5) Islam is an Arab religion. Its expansion to non-Arab lands (the Indian subcontinent, north Africa, southern Europe, etc.) has been a disaster. I'm extremely suspicious of the intellectual capacity of any non-Arab Muslim. Do these people not know their own histories before the Muslim's came with their vulgar, violent religion?

The idea that Muslims once produced great civilizations is a gross exaggeration. India was a great civilization -- before the Muslims invaded. Persia was a great civilization -- before the Muslims invaded. Byzantium was a great civilization before the Muslims invaded. What past greatness that may have existed in Spain and what is now Iraq was parasitic on the previous Greco-Roman civilization. Once the Muslims spent all the intellectual and moral capital built-up from these previous civilizations, their Muslim societies rapidly decayed.

It is only a small exaggeration to say that Muslims destroy the lands that they conquer. Once in power they impoverish their own people and are forced to export them. Consider, for example, the demand by Palestinians to return to their supposed homes in Israel so they can enjoy the bounty of Western Civilization, which conveniently ignores that there was no bounty (moral, political, material, etc.) before the Muslims left (mostly voluntarily). Rather, there was just a tiny strip of unproductive and barely inhabited land.

6) You write: "Although Mahathir Mohammad angles in a Christian light by saying he wishes for his fellow Muslims to conquer the million Jews by peace, the amount of biasness provoked many democratic countries. Adolf Hitler was known for his persuasive but bias speeches."

I have no idea what you're trying to say here. Its almost as if you are implying that Hitler was a Christian. He most certainly wasn't. The Nazis, following Nietzsche, saw Christianity (like its mother religion Judaism) as an alien force imported into the Germanic nation from the south. They viewed it as a slave religion that encouraged meekness and was contrary to the warrior ethic found in the indigenous pre-Christian (and pre-civilized) mythology of the Nordic people.

7) In sum, Mahathir is an idiot of the first order. To hell with him and all those who thinks like him. I'm sorry, but my empathy for the Muslim world is nil at this point.

I'm not a religious person, because I think that all religions are of dubious intellectual value. However, some religious traditions (Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, to mention three) are of incalculable moral importance. Civilization isn't possible without religion. Yet only a very few religions are capable of giving birth to and sustaining a civilized order. And Islam isn't one of them. Muslims belong with the Moabites of the Old Testament (who sacrificed children to their gods) on the ash heap of history -- the sooner the better for them and for us.

Cecile replies: Mahathir Mohammad masks his anti-Semitism by rambling on about peace. Like Yasir Arafat incessantly using the peace sign, Mahathir Mohammad repetitively stressed that his "final victory" would be by "peacefully" conquering the million Jews. Christiantiy promotes peace and yet its past has been the Crusades. Jesus's "I turn the other cheek" philosophy inspires Muslim leaders to utilize that to convince Christian (Western Europe) nations to sympathize with them. When Mahathir Mohammad says that it will only take a large group of Muslim leaders to think and strategize in winning over the Jews, he is indelibly wrong. Hitler was more direct in his speeches. He was unafraid to gush out his hatred of the Jew. Mahathir Mohammad, also because of our present times, won't do that or he will automatically be disliked. Hitler found a soft spot in his nation and started ranting about how fat the Jew was compared to the German and how they lie, cheat steal etc. Go to Hitler.org and you can read all his blaring speeches. But what Mohammad can do is promote Arab/Muslim nationalsim and pride. It is not a healthy pride. He is promoting a superiority complex that may ingrain itself onto Muslims worldwide unless they think for themselves.

Of course, the English, the French, the Germans, the Russians etc all want to feel proud of themselves as a nation as well as superior. It may not be a good analogy, but compare a self centered needy two year old to a thirty year old. The average two year old is like the Muslims--in the middle east. He wants to be a "big boy" and better than the others. As he shakes his rattle, he thinks he is the king of the world. But the thirty year old (America or Israel) is more mature and knows that everybody is equal. He is a humble man who has already grown up from his dark ages. But if he listens to the two year old and is clingy to his son, he will become a paleoliberal, sympathetic with the extremist Muslims. If he minds him nothing, and goes away completely, the two year old will start throwing his toys (weapons) at the man. But if the man listens but tries to help the two year old grow up while taking away his toys and sending him to school, then eventually bit by bit the two year old will become a man, a country. Mahathir Mohammad is like that two year old. Although he is elderly somewhat, if we help people like him grow up, then we have more democracy and peace in the world.

Apology Not Accepted

With Israel fighting for its survival (I know this phrase is a cheap shot because when has Israel not been fighting for its survival), what does the Jewish Journal put on its cover this week? Those three words, linking to a typically incoherent essay from the terrific screenwriter and novelist Michael Tolkin, who also manages to consistently be a moral idiot.

Tell me if you can make heads of tails of what he's trying to say.

Particularly dishonest was the Journal tag for the story inside: "Taking New Republic columnist Gregg Easterbrook to task for his claim that Jews "worship money above all else." What Easterbrook really said was that certain Jewish executives, like certain non-Jewish executives "worship money above all else." What Gregg said was wrong. Hollywood executives would not make money praising white supremacists or criticizing black leaders like Martin Luther King. Hollywood execs often put their leftist values ahead of making money, as Michael Medved shows in his book Hollywood vs America. For example, G-rated films make more money than PG, which make more money than R. So why make so many R-rated films except that you want to be cutting-edge?

I'm now waiting for an apparently self-hating Christian like Easterbrook to call another Godless Jew like Tolkin for advice on how he can further grovel to the Liberal Jewish Media.

While Israel has been under siege since September 2001, I'm unaware of Tolkin doing anything.

In a 9/25/02 LA Times article about why Hollywood Jews do so little for the Jewish state, he appeared as a prominent Hollywood Jewish liberal:

"Liberals are on the side of the underdog," says writer-director Michael Tolkin, author of "The Player" and "Changing Lanes." "The people who've had their cities turned into rubble look like the underdog. There's embarrassment about being a Jew and a feeling of alienation from the Jewish community, a fear that it's been taken over by the right wing."

As Tolkin sees it: "Everybody in Hollywood is obsessed with story and used to thinking their way out of a plot. There's no obvious way out of this. I don't know anyone who can get three paragraphs through a discussion of the Middle East crisis without being struck mute."

In the 10/11/02, Tolkin made what he later characterized as an ugly slur against his debating opponent Dennis Prager: " Torah is braver than Dennis Prager, who has yet to move to Israel with his family, so his children can ride the buses until they’re old enough to join the army, rather like the son of that terrible leftist Michael Lerner."

In fact, Prager's eldest son David was in Israel at the time, studying at a yeshiva, while Dennis visited Israel for a week, broadcast his three-hour daily radio show from Jerusalem for a week, and made a documentary film about Israel in a time of terror.

Rodger Jacobs writes: "As much as I love his writing, I must agree with you that the essay he wrote was rather rambling and incoherent. Reads like something written hastily under a looming deadline. Too bad. Tolkin is best in ruminating on issues of moral cloudiness and human free will in opposition to God's law, a subject upon which he can damn near write any novelist and screenwriter under the table."

The continuing good news with the Journal is the superb work of reporter David Finnigan: [I covered the story here]

Nearly 1,600 people packed Sinai Temple Oct. 10 for the Westwood synagogue’s monthly "Friday Night Live" singles summit, where a Toronto transplant said she was, "looking for modern, chivalrous men."

The temple’s hallways were "like a Fellini film," said a bachelor navigating a thoroughfare of short, fat, tall, petite, pink-booted, shy, arrogant, on-the-prowl, starting-over, major-attitude, rail-thin, obese, brunette, red-haired, balding, blonde, dirty-blonde and bottle-blonde Israelis, Persians, Russians plus Commonwealth, American, Westlake Village and Westside Jews. The evening’s highlight was Rabbi David Wolpe’s chat with Journal singles columnists Carin Davis, Mark Miller, J.D. Smith and Teresa Strasser. "I think that alcohol should be involved in all blind dates," Davis said jokingly.

The discussion took a loud turn when a 30-something man in fraying blue jeans, old sneakers and worn sweater rose from a front-row seat where he sat on a thoroughly read newspaper, approached an over-modulated, questions-from-the-audience microphone and said, "I’ve literally been to 57 Friday Night Lives. I’ve run personal ads for 10 years. What am I doing wrong?"

"I can’t imagine," said Strasser in total deadpan. As he returned to his newspaper-covered lair, Strasser commented, "That’s the Una-Dater."

Wolpe’s dating advice to the panel’s overflowing crowd was simple: "You can go out with someone casually, but you can’t treat someone casually."

Former Buzz editor Allan Mayer writes Cathy Seipp:

Luke Ford's assumption of the title of Arbiter of All Things Jewish reminds me of the Seinfeld episode in which Jerry's dentist converted to Judaism and immediately began spouting Jewish jokes. "And this offends you as a Jew?" asked a priest to whom Jerry confided his annoyance. "No," Jerry replied, "it offends me as a comedian."

But joking aside -- and I assume that at least some of Ford's ostentatious orthodoxy is an ironic pose we are meant to find humorous -- as the nephew of a host of aunts and uncles (including my namesake) whom I never knew because they were killed in concentration camps, I find his airy pronouncements about who does and does not have the right to speak about "things Jewish" offensive in the extreme.

Cathy Seipp replies: "Allan, you are absolutely right, and I have dressed Luke down about exactly these airy pronouncements before. Which did seem to properly chasten him at the time, but then he drastically lowered the lithium dose, thus the rattle-headed, pro-Easterbrook bender he's been on these past few weeks. But now I see the newly upped dose has returned him to the charming, "semi-sane" (remember that one?), sort-of-fit-for-polite-society character we know and love."

New Times film critic Luke Thompson, who represent the decay of Western Civilization with his obscene t-shirts, obscene chatter and polymorphous sexual perversity, writes Cathy Seipp:

Heh. Well, I wish every non-film critic who opines on movies would just shut up. Because almost everyone who opines on movies has not been to film school, and does not see as many movies a week as I have, nor writes about them for pay.

So to all you unqualified critics of things cinematic, I say -- shut up about things movie-related and go complain about something else. You're only making Hollywood worse. I hereby dub myself your cinematic leader, and arbiter of all criticism henceforth.

From the alcohol-induced fantasy world of social anarchy, this has been...

the other Luke

Gregg Easterbrook - Self-Hating Christian?

Gregg Easterbrook phones his clueless Godless critics who helped get him fired from his major source of income, Disney owned ESPN, asking them for advice on how to mollify the mortified, but he can't be bothered to reply to an email from his biggest supporter, me.

Chaim Amalek writes: "The stuff you've been writing about collapsing Christian Greg Easterbrook is worthy of broader circulation. For ignoring you (and AMALEK), Easterbrook deserves to be ground under the Iron Heel of the Hollywood Juden."

Weightloss Tricks

Number one. Reduce amount of lithium intake.

Roy writes: I read you gained a few extra pounds lately...right? Well...this afternoon just started reading the book "Seabiscuit" and the jockeys riding those horses, were in a way worse fight with their body than any models. They had all kind of tricks to get to the weight allowed and one of them (maybe one of the most dramatic) was to ingest a capsule containing the egg of a tapeworn. It's a long time known fact that when you get that kind of beast inside you,you're loosing weight. When they had achieve the desired weight, (or that they were too sick), they had the worm removed.

Rabbi Wolpe's Jewish Mysticism Class Packs In Yearning Young Females

Throw a kaballah class at Temple Sinai in Westwood and watch the women come.

I sit down at 6:50PM, clutching my Dan Wakefield "Returning" book and look around. It's an ineffable experience. I'm surrounded by handsome and beautiful Jews yearning to express themselves Jewishly with other (relatively) young Jews.

My soul aspires for the mysteries, for the hidden secrets of the universe. It cannot be content with much knowledge that probes the trivialities of life.

I see a storm wind from the south, a vast dark cloud of Persian women, with flashes of fire and brilliant light about them. They are chiseled and shapely. Why are Persian women so mysterious and shapely and feminine? I love that. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord. Keep them coming.

Within them is a radiance like brass, glowing in the heart of the flames. In the fire was the semblance of four blonde WASPY girls, their legs were straight and their feet were like the hooves of a calf, glittering like Studio 54 in the late seventies.

Under the wings on each of the four sides were human arms and hands. Their clothing glittered and slithered as they moved to their seats.

Author and rabbi, David Wolpe, speaks for an hour. Question time. A woman gives a long rambling speech about her Internet dating and how all guys want to just meet for coffee and she wants to have a longer connection just to get to know them as individuals, even if she doesn't want to date them.

Question two. Earnest young man who does not wear a yarmulke. "Could you expand on God's will?"

Question three is a three-parter. How much of kaballa (Jewish mysticism) is a fad, how much requires faith, and how much fanaticism?

People's social skills are on painful display during question time and they speak out of a need for attention, out of their pain, out of reflex, and almost never out of thought. Rabbi Wolpe however is a master at dealing with them.

He comes into the desert room afterwards and notices my Dan Wakefield book.

"I just needed something to chew on before class started," I explain.

"I know Dan Wakefield," says the rabbi. "He's a great man and that's a great book."

Boy, did I feel ten feet tall.

ABC TELEVISION RUN BY SELF-HATING JEWS, UNFAIR TO CHAIM AMALEK

WORLD EXCLUSIVE TO LUKEFORD.NET (America's favorite source of futuristic social commentary)

Elderly New York Jew Chaim Amalek is the victim of egregious discrimination at the hands of ABC television. Run as it is by self-hating secular jews like Michael Eisner (who studied "dance" when young, wink wink), this crooked outfit has seen fit to repeatedly stand in the way of Chaim Amalek's happiness by blacklisting him. Chaim attributes their hatred of him to his unimpressive stature and large lateral size, his semitic mien, and his progressive politics. An exclusive expose of these haters and how they hate with their hateful tricks will appear on this site in mid-December, and word up ABC - Chaim will be naming names. It won't be pretty.

Mystic River's Hidden Anti-Semitism

I love many Clint Eastwood movies, including his latest, which I saw Monday night. I am worried, however, that people will see that movies can be made without Jews as directors or characters. All the Jewish hacks in Hollywood (such as those who piled on Gregg Easterbrook for a minor offense, leading to his firing) should fear for their jobs.

Gregg Easterbrook is one hundred times the thinker of all of his critics, like the clueless Tim Rutten, Meryl Yourish and company.

"Christians often make good films. A welcome respite from the feminized nonsense of the cosmopolitanites," says a learned Jewish sage on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

I Wish Godless Jews Would Shut Up

In the wake of the Gregg Easterbrook "Jewish Hollywood" controversy, I wish that almost every Jew who opined on the matter would shut up. Because almost Jew who wrote about the matter is a Godless Jew, who does not belong to a syngogue, neither studies nor observes the Torah, does nothing to help the state of Israel, and has nothing in common with things Jewish. Such secular Jews are condemned to be flushed down the toilet of Jewish history. The descendents of Godless Jews do not stay Jewish unless they become Orthodox.

It is precisely the Godless Jews who were discomforted by Easterbrook's careless remarks because such Jews have no secure Jewish identity and hence are paranoid about the slightest threats while ignorant of the real ones. Such Jews have no compass to measure by. They react on feelings and the editorial pages of The NY Times rather than the timeless verities of the Torah.

So to the Godless Jews of Hollywood and the blogosphere and the news media and academia, I say - shut up about things Jewish and go join another religion so you will no longer appear to the world to be Jewish and thus shame those of who try to live within the Torah corral. Jews who leave Judaism and still try to change the world without Judaism's moral controls usually make the world worse (communism, socialism, feminism, animal rights, Hollywood, leftist academics, ACLU, sodomites, cross-dressers, etc).

Or, if you are a libertine godless Jew who forsakes all things Jewish, but yet must opine on Jewish matters, at least identify yourself as a Jewish goy who has no knowledge of his tradition and is speaking out of his hat rather than his yarmulke.

Exceptions to my rant - godless Jews Mickey Kaus and Eugene Volokh. They may continue to blog on occasion on things Jewish.

God bless you all in all of your legitimate endeavors.

Cathy Seipp writes Luke:

You can't have it both ways: All of a sudden you classify me with the religious Jews (and, therefore, not with Volokh and Kaus) whereas before the typical slap was I'm secular and, uh, Godless.

Your Easterbrook defense, by the way, is pretty addled. It's right up there with the vaginaphobia. Maybe you'll agree once the new lithium dose kicks in.

Luke says: "I can have it as many ways as I like Miss Cathy Seipp. I'm Luke Ford, Your Moral Leader, and I live in a drug-induced fantasy world of unparalleled hypocrisy."

Dave Deutsch writes:

It is precisely this brutally honest self-awareness that makes Luke Ford an inspiration to journalist-manques suffering from multiple-personality disorders around the world.

And while on the international front, if you actually read the comments by Malaysian PM Mahathir Muhammed, anti-Jewish rhetoric notwithstanding, it's probably the most progressive thing to come out of the Muslim world since 11th century Spain.

David Frum writes:

Boy, it sure is a good nowthing that Jews face no serious threats to their lives and safety today! Otherwise, the huffing and puffing expended over blogger Gregg Easterbrook’s online criticism of two Jewish film executives would look like a hysterical over-reaction to something of almost zero importance …

By now you have probably heard all you care to hear about the Easterbrook story. (If not, click here for more.) I have only this to add:

Five million Israeli Jews – and many more Jews worldwide in countries from Iran to Argenina – are threatened with mass murder. There is something more than a little fishy about the way that journalists who show virtually zero interest in the fate of these endangered people have pounced on the Easterbrook story.

And there is something even fishier about the way that online journalists who have inveighed against “American Likudniks” and “neoconservatives” in a way that seems almost calculated to fuel anti-Jewish fantasies – yes, this means you Eric Alterman, and you Mickey Kaus, and you too Josh Marshall – have suddenly deputized themselves to serve as censors of offensive anti-Jewish speech. Mike Eisner doesn’t need your help, boys. Nobody in the American media is going to hurl offensive untruths and hysterical calmunies at him without thinking twice about it. The same is not true, alas, of Paul Wolfowitz.

Kindly Christian gent Joe Shea, a friend to Jews and goyim everywhere, hits the nail on the head at LA Observed: "It's too bad people are not as sensisitive to things that are offensive to Jews as things that are offensive to Catholics, blacks, Irish, Italians and others. You could fill countless volumes with the slurs against Catholics in modern literature, popular culture and the movies. Ironically, if indeed as many have said the industry is one dominated by (secular and non-secular) Jews, it is especially sad that the portrayals and characterizations that move them to defense mode don't also move them into the same mode when Catholics are offended."

Stand By Your Man?

Due to my life of renunciation and virtue, I've never cheated on any committed monogamous relationship with an Orthodox Jewish girl that was headed towards marriage (I've never had one of these either).

I've never cheated on any committed exclusive relationship or come close to it, though I've often thought about it.

So let's talk about Kobe and his wife.

"The Wifely Art of Standing by" from the N.Y. Times Sunday edition

"...Meanwhile, outside a courtroom in Colorado, the big question is: Where's Vanessa? The absence of Mrs. Kobe Bryant next to her husband at the preliminary hearings for his trial for rape has been widely parsed for significance. The flash of the $4 million diamond he bought her after admitting adultery is fading behind the question: What does her absence mean? It may be true that behind every powerful man is a woman, but even more true is that next to every powerful man in trouble, the public expects to see a woman propping him up."

I know women who say they'd divorce Kobe rather than suffer the humiliation of standing up for a man who'd cheated on them.

I've had girlfriends who made it clear they would leave any man who cheated on them. I absolutely agree with them. I'd probably leave any girlfriend who cheated on me. I once had a girlfriend cheat on me but it was because she wanted me out of her house and life. It worked. Four days later, I was gone. It was about the most painful experience of my life.

Dennis Prager says it is foolish for a spouse to automatically file for a divorce over adultery but I think it is an excellent thing to say clearly that one would leave a relationship or marriage over unfaithfulness (even if you do not necessarily follow through with it). I think men badly need to know that they can kiss their marriage goodbye if they cheat. That's a better deterrent than Prager's more moderate stand.

The Torah prescribes the death penalty for all sorts of sins, including homosexuality and dishonoring parents, that there's no history of the Jews ever following through with. This doesn't bother me. Keeping the death penalty on the books is important as a deterrent even if it is not (always?) carried out.

I agree with another blogger that it is suspect if your mate regularly engages in lengthy (particularly in person) conversations with an attractive member of the opposite sex.

Rabbit Proof Fence Reversed

Now it can be told - the true story of my upbringing.

Many of you saw the movie Rabbit Proof Fence, about the sad stories of half-breed Aboriginal children taken from their Abo homes and raised as white Australians. My story is the opposite. I am the Abos' revenge.

I am one-quarter Aboriginal. One day in 1967, when I was nine months old, my aboriginal grandfather stole me from my Christian parents and took me to the outback where I ran with dingos and was raised by savages until I neared the age of my Bar Mitzvah. I then decided to move to America as an initial step in my conversion to Judaism.

Former CIA Director James Woolsey Addresses Wednesday Morning Club Monday Afternoon On Matters Of International Concern

I washed my clothes at the laundromat Monday morning, returned six books to the library, broke through the picketers to do a $151 grocery shop at Ralphs (fruit, salad, yoghurt, cottage cheese, frozen strawberries, strawberry juice concentrate, vanilla and chocolate soyamilk, caramel nuts, Cheerios, oats - I never use coupons except for the 5% off everything ones Ralphs hands out on occasion, did today and saved $7:59) then charged home to call one of the richest men on the Internet, fling off my "I did a mitzvah for Israel" T-shirt and pull on my striped green shirt that women like and my black undertaker suit and high-tail it to the Beverly Hills Hotel where I parked behind a series of expensive foreign cars.

I walk in at 11:40AM and start up a conversation on the Santa Monica restaurant Raw (Broadway and 6th Street) with David Horowitz assistant Liz, who recommends the place highly. She and her husband are vegetarians. Cathy Seipp and I met her with Michael Finch, the director of the Wednesday Morning Club, outside of Real Food Daily a few months ago.

I walk in with real estate man Larry Goldstein, who'd read about my previous areas of journalistic endeavor and was relieved to hear I'd move on to new vistas.

At 12:05, I see Cathy Seipp (who complains I don't link to her) walk in wearing a flimsy green dress. If she were showing any more flesh, she'd star in VH1's Centerfold Babylon.

"Cathy!" I yell. She reluctantly gives up her place at the table with the big money folks and sits with me in the plebian seats at the back. We're joined by blonde boy-crazy TV producer Marie, who suggests I eat my salad.

The salad has slabs of what look like fish but Cathy assures me they are shitake mushrooms.

"I don't like onions," I say pointing at the silver layers on top of the greens.

Marie nudges Cathy. "Why don't you take off his onions?"

"NO! I'm not going to wipe his a-- either," says Cathy, which I thought was a vulgar remark considering the elevated surroundings and company.

I eat my salad with my fingers. Marie says that's fine. Cathy says I should use a fork.

Marie says, "I would never date a man who was a vegetarian because it would mean he's a fanatic."

Cathy: "Luke's a vegetarian who doesn't like vegetables."

Luke to Marie, who's birthday is Friday and she looks none too thrilled about it: "So I couldn't take you to Real Food Daily?"

Marie: "Yes, you could take me there."

It's a good thing Cathy sits between us or Marie and I would be sipping champagne out of each other's glasses 0 I don't even like champagne or any alcohol - and making out during the long speeches.

Watching Marie eat is an erotically charged experience. I'm fascinated by the way she chops her food into morsels and then transfers it with a fork to her mouth without dropping it on her dress or smuding her make-up. She reminds me of that eating scene in Stealing Beauty where Jacqueline Bisset instructs her daughter in the art of the courtesan.

Marie's the first woman to boss me around and make me like it.

David Horowitz stands about 5'8" and exudes non-erotic energy.

James Woolsey is younger and tanner than I expected, and funnier. He was riding in a cab in Washington D.C. after President Clinton's speech last February which intimated that terrorism was America's payback for slavery. The cab driver was an old black man who wore a Redskin cap. He had a picture of his family on the dash. Woolsey asked him what he thought of Clinton's speech.

"They don't hate us for what we did wrong," said the driver. "They hate us for what we do right."

A bulldog of an old woman with a big strong jaw asked Woolsey what he thought of the crazy general who thought God was on our side in the war on terrorism. Woolsey and most of the crowd were sympathetic to the general.

Cathy says she's noticed on my website a descent into insanity the past month. She doesn't know I've reduced my daily lithium intake from 1200 mg a day to 300mg. I've wanted to lose that extra 20 pounds I've gained since starting on the medication in the Spring. It seems that most people prefer me at the 1200mg mark.

Cathy Seipp writes:

Did you really spend $151 at Ralphs? I've never spent that much there in my life and I buy a lot more food. The secret is smart shopping. I plan to cross the picket line again this week because I need: canned pumpkin, evap milk, dog food, barley, paper towels, frozen bread dough, green onions, radishes, bagged salad, pears, bananas, potatoes, onions, lamb chops, popsicles. So now you know.

Question on my mind: How come even though it's 100 degrees out I was the only woman there not wearing a jacket or sweater? Don't you think that's odd? Because I really do.

Luke says: "It was 80 degress out. I did not think it strange that everyone there was dressed more modestly and appropriately and conservatively and Republicanly than you. There's something of the liberal devil in you that morally troubles me."

Cathy Seipp writes on her blog: "Luke Ford, who was busy trying to convince some woman at our table making goo-goo eyes at him that the VH1 show he was on last week was called "Models of Modesty" (actually it was "Centerfold Babylon") -- and also that he can't help eating salad with his fingers because he was raised in the outbacks of Australia by Aborigines, and grew up delivering pie into his mouth via boomerang..."

Cecile writes: "Hilarious about the description on how Luke has horrendous table manners. I didn't know he was that boyish."

Chaim Amalek writes Luke: "Above all, think like a Jew. A Jew does not write a book to tell his life story. He writes a book to further his career. Just remember never to cross a Jew in Hollywood - you know how those people feel about crosses."

Nicholas writes: Leftists are such happy, optimistic people. Stalin was certainly enjoying himself when he was putting out cigars on his second wife's face -- before he pushed her into an early grave along with 25 million others.

By the way Luke, how come you don't have a PayPal button on your website? With Christmas fast approaching, it upsets me to think that you will be sitting alone in your hovel without even enough money to buy a tree and some decorations. Besides, I want to make sure that you have at least $10 dollars so you can see Mel Gibson's "The Passion" next Easter. If I send $20 maybe you can go with Dr Laura Schlessinger.

James Woolsey reviews Gerald Posner's new book in the 10/21/03 Wall Street Journal:

Overall, "Why America Slept" seems to paint a representative picture of our somnolence, but my experience of being interviewed for the book, as a former director of the CIA, might give some readers pause about details. My comments about one grand jury are applied in the book to another; the time of a trip is wrong; two points attributed to me (about FBI and CIA leads and Sudanese intelligence officers) must have come from elsewhere; Dee Dee Myers didn't interrupt nor did George Stephanopoulos address me in the meeting on Somalia; I'm given more credit than I deserve or have ever asserted for having suspicions in 1993 of Iraqi involvement with the first World Trade Center bombing; and no meeting with the FBI on information-sharing -- at least none I know of -- ended in "angry argument."

More important, Mr. Posner has some key points about the Aldrich Ames spy case badly wrong. CIA Counterintelligence Chief Paul Redmond, the person most responsible for catching Ames, brought two FBI agents fully into the mole investigation in 1991, not 1993. After Ames was caught in early 1994 the most contentious issue, ignored by Mr. Posner, was whether the chairman of the intelligence committee, Sen. Dennis DeConcini, would succeed in using the case as an excuse to transfer to the FBI responsibility for all counterintelligence, including operations overseas aimed at penetrating foreign intelligence services.

This most unwise proposal was indeed strongly opposed by the CIA -- and it was this proposal, not mindless bureaucratic infighting, that was the source of the disagreements the CIA had with Sen. DeConcini and the FBI during 1994. Unknown to any of us at the time, the DeConcini/FBI approach would have had the effect of displaying the nation's total counterintelligence effort to a Russian spy, senior FBI agent Robert Hanssen.

Was she wearing her cowboy hat? Well, not exactly that...

Dana writes: Hey everybody! Did you know that the glut of porn that exists today desensitizes men's libidos? No? Naomi Wolf is here to drop science for you then.

"Pornography is addictive; the baseline gets ratcheted up. By the new millennium, a vagina which, by the way, used to have a pretty high "exchange value," as Marxist economists would say, wasn't enough; it barely registered on the thrill scale. All mainstream porn--and certainly the Internet--made routine use of all available female orifices."

As Carly Milne put it, "Last I checked, men still liked having sex. And last I checked, most men were not f------ porn stars exclusively. To say that men are giving up on having sex with regular women due to porn consumption is the funniest damn thing I think I’ve ever read, and once again, blames porn for something that is a deeper seeded issue than what Wolf has originally lead the reader to believe."

So now New York is like all porn, all the time, I suppose. Though Naomi Wolf eschews David Amsden's Ivyed Rolodex for--wait for it--Orthodox Jews on a settlement!

“Can’t I even see your hair?” I asked, trying to find my old friend in there. “No,” she demurred quietly. “Only my husband,” she said with a calm sexual confidence, “ever gets to see my hair.”

When she showed me her little house in a settlement on a hill, and I saw the bedroom, draped in Middle Eastern embroideries, that she shares only with her husband—the kids are not allowed—the sexual intensity in the air was archaic, overwhelming. It was private. It was a feeling of erotic intensity deeper than any I have ever picked up between secular couples in the liberated West. And I thought: Our husbands see naked women all day—in Times Square if not on the Net. Her husband never even sees another woman’s hair. She must feel, I thought, so hot.

Dana: OK, first off, Naomi: You can't fuck hair. Second: Ask any sexworker you've ever met and let them tell you about how many Orthodox clients they've had. Third: Perhaps there's a certain sexual intensity to the fucking when you live in a place where you're very likely to get blowed the fuck up. Fourth: HUH? More later. Work (and the three-martini lunch) beckons.

Apropos of nothing, I'd be willing to wager serious cash that Naomi has had rhinoplasty. Ever since The Beauty Myth came out I've been seriously scrutinizing that shnozz of hers. I'm thinkin' finishing school graduation present.

Fred writes:

I got a kick out of the response to Wolf's "article". Basically, I don't think Wolf is a particularly smart woman or a deep thinker. However, riddle me this, Luke. Do you think oral sex is more prevalent today as a practice among the population at large than, say, fifty years go? If you think oral sex is more prevalent today, do you think that is due (at least in part) to pornography? Do you think Ms. Wolf thinks the prevalence of oral sex is a bad thing?

Luke says: The Orthodox Jew does not view pornography and does participate in oral sex because it is walking in the ways of the goyim, not dignified and can lead to the spilling of seed. For the Torah Jew, sex is a religious obligation more than a physical pleasure. We only do it because God says so.

Yes, I think oral sex is more prevalent today because our moral boundaries are breaking down. Pornography breaks down moral boundaries.

There's nobody who's doing more than me to combat the spread of oral sex in our decadent society. I focus my efforts on the most vulnerable to this contagion - young women.

Martin Eden

I just finished Jack London's semi-autobiographical novel Martin Eden, about a struggling young writer in Oakland at the turn of the 19th Century into the 20th. I loved it. I love reading about struggling writers who make good. Gives me hope.

I listened to the whole thing on tape in five days. I suffer from insomnia, which I treat with books on tape and Torah lectures from www.613.org.

I liked Herman Wouk's Youngblood Hawke even more than Martin Eden. A similar theme.

I've grown weary of a memoir I've worked on for three years. It means I'm about ready to finish with it and move on to my producer book.

I call a writer friend.

Luke: "Martin Eden saw through everyone else but didn't seem cognizant of his owns flaws. He's not really pictured as having any. Just a well-meaning chap, a man's man. That grows wearying over a long book, always believing that the fault lies with the other."

Rog: "Martin Eden lacked self awareness, as did Jack London.

"So you're getting bored with your memoir? Your problem has always been, and it's reflected in your writing on your website, that you can't seem to focus on a single issue. You have too many issues you want to explore. Sometimes you need to be more subtle. Never underestimate the reader. They'll get the subtleties. You have a lot of issues. You know what your issues are.

"The number one issue with you is one of abandonment and a need to embrace cultures that are shunned, to reinforce your abandonment issues. I find fascinating that you acknowledge your issue which causes your social dysfunctions. You know what it is but you choose not to move on with your life. You choose not to say, 'My mom died when I was young and it really screwed me up.' You just stew. You choose to keep reinforcing that.

"That goes against contemporary pop culture - the AA thing about God granting you the serenity... You don't embrace. You just keep repeating it."

Luke: "That's certainly the theme in my memoir."

Rog: "You tend to hit the reader over the head with it. You need to be more subtle. It's painfully obvious in your writing, in your embracing of Judaism and other pariahs. You should read Jack London's semi-autobiographical novel John Barleycorn. It's 200 pages of Jack London denying that he's an alcoholic.

"What makes you fascinating is that you know what bothers you, what drives you, what influences you to act as you act, yet you do nothing about your behavior and thought patterns to improve your life. You can't control yourself. You must act out and you must get rejected.

"You were a pioneer in blogging along with Matt Drudge. Now everybody's doing it. You are just one of thousands. You got more press than anybody aside from Matt Drudge. Now you get lost in the crowd. Whatever Happened To Luke Ford? It'd make a good article. A third-party needs to do it. Emmanuelle Richard should do it."

Luke: "I keep looking for women who will dump me. Time in and time out. I seek to be abandoned. I know just what to do to get dumped. I'd go back like a puppy dog and then repeat behavior that made sure she dumped me."

Jews Night Out

Orthodox Jews Jews were wilding in the streets of the upper west side of Manhattan yesterday. But so far there have been no reports of them molesting any Puerto Rican or white women. Instead they danced with Torah scrolls.

'Levi Was On VH1'

In shul Friday night, a friend told me he'd received calls from three other members of the shul this past week about my appearance on VH1. "I saw Levi on VH1. I thought he was a writer," one said.

It is incongruous to find me on TV because I morally oppose the medium for it leads to focusing on externals rather than what truly matters. But when I heard about this program, "Models Of Modesty," I thought this was an opportunity to do good. It's not often that a TV show focuses on real-life examples of couples who wait until marriage to touch. I was honored to be asked to place this particular teaching of Judaism in its wider context of modesty, humility and walking humbly with God.

Just Doing The Lord's work

Dolly, a Filipino Christian with a BA in psychology, calls: "What's going on with you?"

Luke: "Just doing the Lord's work."

Dolly: "You went on a date. You're a nightmare. You must go out with bitchy women. You're paranoid about your vehicle. They went out with you for a reason. You must pick some winners. That's horrid. See what happens when you try to stick to your own circles. It doesn't work. Especially if you go for a Jewish woman and you've got a beat-up van. Yeah right. You know you guys are all about money and power."

The Pentagon Unleashes a Holy Warrior

A Christian extremist in a high Defense post can only set back the U.S. approach to the Muslim world.

By William M. Arkin, a military affairs analyst who writes regularly for The Los Angeles Times.

In June of 2002, Jerry Boykin stepped to the pulpit...

This June, for instance, at the pulpit of the Good Shepherd Community Church in Sandy, Ore., he displayed slides of Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and North Korea's Kim Jung Il. "Why do they hate us?" Boykin asked. "The answer to that is because we're a Christian nation We are hated because we are a nation of believers."

Our "spiritual enemy," Boykin continued, "will only be defeated if we come against them in the name of Jesus."

Gen. Boykin's appointment to a high position in the administration is a frightening blunder at a time when there is widespread acknowledgment that the position of the United States in the Islamic world has never been worse.

Boykin is also an intolerant extremist who has spoken openly about how his belief in Christianity has trumped Muslims and other non-Christians in battle.

He has described himself as a warrior in the kingdom of God and invited others to join with him in fighting for the United States through repentance, prayer and the exercise of faith in God.

He has praised the leadership of President Bush, whom he extolled as "a man who prays in the Oval Office." "George Bush was not elected by a majority of the voters in the United States," Boykin told an Oregon congregation. "He was appointed by God."

Dennis Prager says: This is common for the secular media to paint all fundamentalists as the same - be they Christian, Jewish or Muslim. Why is the general a Christian extremist? Saying we're hated because we are a nation of believers? I'm not even Christian and I believe that is why they hate us. Our beliefs are fundamental to this conflict with Islamic extremists. Those who do not believe can not defeat those who do believe.

Boykin was speaking to a Christian audience so it was natural for him to invoke the name of Jesus.

Nobody knew about these comments until the LA Times and NBC News reported them. These comments were made to Christian groups. He did not go on TV to make these comments, which would've been unwise. Only because Arkin publicized the comments can they make us more hated in the Muslim worlds.

Because Boykin believes in prayer, repentance and faith in God this makes him a Christian extremist? Boykin told an Oregon congregation that Bush was appointed by God.

Dennis: I can only understand the triumph of George Bush as the intervention of God. What if somebody said he believed Martin Luther King was the product of divine intervention to do non-violent combat against racial discrimination?

Arkin is a secular extremist. I have not read anything extreme that Boykin has said or done.

It's not the General who scares me. It's the LA Times writer. But the article is so revealing of the Times and the author's secular biases, that I'm thrilled it was published.

The only community in the US that believes in fighting evil is the evangelical Christian. Jews, Catholics, Buddhists, Muslims are all divided.

Boykin did not say the God of all Muslims was an idol. He said the God of a terrorist was an idol. I agree. I agree that Osama Bin Laden's God is an idol. For the secular writer, everyone who believes in God is lumped together. He lacks sophistication. Boykin did not smear Islam. He smeared the terorist.

I believe too that our side is the side of the true God.

Fishing in the Wrong Stream

Nicholas writes:

Hi Luke, You say that you saw yourself on VH1 recently and thought "I looked old, wrinkled and debauched." I find this hard to believe. The truth is you're a very handsome man. Your physical beauty is your biggest asset -- along, of course, with your sincere religiosity.

It perplexes me that you haven't been willing or able to parlay this gift into a materially advantageous marriage. If I understand correctly, you once dated a woman 10 years your senior but now you're going to "young singles" meetings. The latter strikes me as demographic folly. Dennis Prager has observed that there is probably nothing so prized in the universe as a pretty young woman. However, at about 27 years of age women start to lose their fertility and thus their mysterious power over men. It's true that most men don't consciously understand the basis of their feelings, but evolutionary psychologists understand full well why a man of virtually any age finds an attractive 35 year old woman far less desirable than an equally attractive woman of 25.

A woman may be over-the-hill by 35 due to her diminished fertility, but she has just entered the prime of her sexual life. A woman, unlike a man, can maintain a high level of sexual interest and capacity for decades -- well into her 80s, in fact.

In LA there must be thousands of mature Jewish women who would be thrilled to have a handsome young man, such as yourself, to hang on their arm and show off to their "girlfriends." Many of these women have money (very often from their divorced or deceased husbands), plenty of leisure time and a high sex drive.

I can't imagine that you intend on having children. So why be a victim of an irrational impulse to pursue young, nubile women when it will only lead to heartbreak? Why not seek an older woman between, say, 65 and 80? The competition is a lot less and the rewards (sex, money, stimulating conversation, etc.) are much greater.

Women begin to hit the wall at 27 but men eventually lose their physical appeal, too. I don't know at what age this happens, but I suspect that it starts at around 37. Did you not recently have a birthday? Surely you should get moving before your good looks fade and you're left simply with your bank account to attract a mate.

Cecile du Bois, apparently you're a graduate from the Luke Ford School of Writing. You exaggerate constantly and I have no idea when you're being serious. For example, you can't honestly think that Ann Coulter is attractive. The woman is a stick insect. I remember seeing her once on "Politically Incorrect" wearing a sleeveless top. It was horrifying -- I'm not exaggerating! Her arms were just skin and bone. She is NOT sexy -- at least not physically. (I do like her bitchy personality, though.)

Luke says: I do not find Ann Coulter the least bit sexy. She even went out with Mickey Kaus, so where are her moral standards? Face it, the hottest chicks are on the Left. Beauty breeds optimism about human nature which equals leftist politics. Ugliness breeds skepticism about human nature which equals conservative politics.

January 2001 In Life Of Luke

Our next guest on my Internet radio show is manager Tabetha.

Luke: "I wanted to be an actor so that I can teach morality to the world."

Tabetha: "Don't you have to live morality first Luke? If I could teach morality, I would give it up in a hurry because no one is interested in learning it. That's why people enjoy what we offer in the entertainment industry.

"Luke, how can you keep putting yourself in the line of criticism for hypocrisy?"

Jim: "Because he's a martyr. It's Luke H. Christ. He sees himself that way."

Luke: "I have a messiah complex. I feel like I am suffering for the sins of the world."

Jim: "He prays every night that a bunch of obsessed fans will break into his little hovel, take him outside, and nail him to a cross."

Luke: "Tabetha, I've got some psychological issues that I'm working out through my website."

Jim: "Psychological issues? That's a nice way to put it. He is completely insane. People don't realize it. Luke tomorrow could give up being a Jew and become a serial murderer."

Tabetha: "Misery loves company."

Jim: "And there's no one more miserable than Luke. Trust me. Ask his therapist. He is misery." 

My chief cause of misery these days is my inability to reconcile my daily prayer and study at shul with my work.

Knowing that my only hope is to leave what I'm doing, I begin a memoir. Publishing a successful book should rocket me out of the ooze of mediocrity into the stratosphere of my shul mates.

My morning and evening prayers shuttle back and forth between agony (looming ejection) and ecstasy (full membership). Oh God, what other subject could I write about and earn a similarly independent living? What other work would I be suited for? Will I ever attain normal health? Is there any pious woman who'd take me, believe in me, and inspire me to greatness? Please God, don't let me do gratuitous harm to the rabbis and to the good people of this community.

My new shul is like my father. It lays down the law. It puts a premium on behavior. It is formal and rigorous and on time. I find mentors here - people who've combined secular success with committed religiosity and strong families. I want what they have and I feel ashamed of my life and my work.

Shame. It's an emotion I've skipped away from for too long. I feel it and then let it slide off me, comforted by the low moral level of the people I write about. Now, however, on a daily basis I mix with people leading lives at a higher moral level. It makes me want to be more.

In my religious community, I'm "Low Key Levi." I never speak out of turn.

One day in Talmud class, Bob, a leader in the shul, says he's going away on business. He asks if I will unlock the closet every morning, fire up the water heater for the tea, coffee and hot chocolate, and then put everything away at the end of class? I say I will and I take his key.

As I attach it to my ring, I feel a surge of pride. I've been recognized as the most reliable member of the class. I've been trusted to shop for our hot drinks. I've been given a duty by the people I respect the most and I'm not going to let them down.

Don, a therapist in the group who's known me from my Reform temple years, takes note: "You look like you belong here."

On those rare days when I do not make it to shul, my Talmud teacher asks after me. I'm missed. Once, when I'm sick, he calls me at home to make sure I am ok. I know this sounds trivial, but for a boy-man yearning for fathering, these small gestures carry great weight.

One morning during prayers, an Israeli newcomer notifies me that my head tefillin (leather straps attached to boxes of scrolls of Torah that you wrap around your head and arm) are tangled. I've long known that they were tangled but I never worried about it. Now I feel embarrassed as I take my tefillin off my head and allow him to unravel them.

This sounds petty but it is what community is all about. Looking out for the other. Letting him know when his tefillin is tangled.

A couple of days later, the stranger comes up to me again and asks if I'd had my tefillin checked. No I have not. My pair is probably not kosher. It is old and cracked. According to Jewish Law, if you use non-kosher tefillin, you don't get any credit from God for the mitzva [divine obligation].

I can't afford a new pair, which will cost upwards of $500. The main reason I pray every morning in shul is not to fulfill the mitzva, but to connect with God and with good people. But if I get a new advertiser on my website, I'll buy new tefillin.

A friend from shul invites me over. He has something to give me. It's a brand new pair of tefillin, paid for by the rabbi, worth hundreds of dollars to the market, and millions of dollars to my soul. It's the greatest gift I've ever received.

Curious writes: "The story of your gift of the tefillin was truly awesome. It  proves how God works in many ways. I too have a story of unexpected kindness to share. A month ago our mutual friend Goddess asked for my address and a week later I received via the US mail four copies of "Mike South's Southern Belles" and "The Houston 500!" Not every one prays for the same things."

3/25/01

"So Luke, how are you?"

It was a question from an old flame over a late lunch on the Venice Boardwalk.

How do I sum up the past six months without her?

They've been tough. My sponsor FANtastic went broke, owing me $30,000. The downturn in the Internet economy has cut my earnings to less than $2000 a month. My health, usually fragile, has sputtered beneath my engine of ambition. Six months ago, I could do 1400 pushups in 30 minutes. Now I do nothing. It's a good day when I'm not sick.

I returned to therapy last April and I've stuck it out, two sessions a week, despite its drain on my meager finances.

I don't go into these details with my ex, prefering to stay upbeat. I don't want to increase my vulnerability to the one who carries my heart in her handbag.

As the sun goes down over the ocean, we stand on the grass and hug. For a few minutes, I feel safe. For a few minutes, I feel loved. For a few minutes, I taste Heaven.

5/1/01

I begin my day as normal with two hours of prayer and study and depression at synagogue. Then, after taking off my yarmulke and tefillin, I set foot for the first time on a movie set run by ebullient gay men. Though I feel uncomfortable with the vividly homosexual aura, I can't help liking the people. For the first time in weeks, the clouds of Orthodox repression dissolve and I feel joy.

I've isolated myself from sets over the past two years and done my work by telephone and email. By hanging out today, I remember how many movie people I genuinely like. I find starlet Asia gorgeous. I could happily spend all day taking photos of her.

I walk in as her stills shoot begins. I immediately grab my camera and snap away without asking permission.

As Asia disrobes, I stop taking photos (I could never justify it to my rabbi) and walk away to chat with Britt, a graduate of a Baptist high school.

Britt: "Do you really think you are qualified to be a moral leader? You are being a total hypocrite by being here right now. You are completely negating everything you believe in. This is why you have constant conflict. You need to choose a side. If you want to be a journalist, go cover a parade. You're not Jewish and you're not Christian. You are a hypocrite."

Luke: "I simply don't live up to the ideals of my religion."

Publicist Jason: "Do you have a lot of guilt about that?"

Britt: "Apparently you do."

Jason: "It's not even guilt. It's despair. There's a cloud of sadness and despair around you every time I see you."

Luke: "I'm depressed. I can’t see a way of surviving within my religious community while I do this work."

Britt: "Your aura is very obvious to people who can see it."

I arrive home to an email from an Orthodox friend inquiring if I am ok. He saw how depressed I was during Talmud study this morning. How do I explain to him the dread I feel stepping into shul each day, feeling like a whore in a church, knowing the horrifying moment will soon come when the rabbi will find out Levi Ben Avraham operates [a certain website]? How do I explain to my friend that I waste much of my prayer time trying to reconcile the wildly disparate parts of myself?

I yearn to stand out and I yearn to fit in. I must choose one value or the other. By not choosing, I avoid taking responsibility for my own life. I place the rabbi and the synagogue in a position where they will have no choice but to expel me for falsely representing myself as an Orthodox Jew.

Why must I endlessly replay the depressing dramas of my childhood?

On my Internet radio show, we talk to journalist Eric Danville who's published a new book on Linda Lovelace.

Luke: "Linda Lovelace was in an abusive relationship with Chuck Traynor."

Jim: "Half the girls...are in abusive relationships. Big deal. Luke could easily become a battered boyfriend. Because he's wimpy. If Luke got a girlfriend who started beating on him, Luke would not only take it, he would stay in the relationship. He'd just go talk about it to his therapist. He'd convince himself that he deserved it."

Luke: "I am in an abusive relationship. I have you as a cohost every week."

Jim: "Eric, do you read Luke's web site?"

Eric: "Daily. I think it's interesting cross between almost daily serious journalism and performance art. Sometimes I can not take it seriously. And there are other times when he brings up legitimate issues. I'm interested that he's got such a hardon for the Mafia and the guys at Crescent. The online billing issues - I don't have an interest in. I don't like a lot of what he stands for. What he's doing is actually very smart. He's subverting something from the inside.”

Jim: "Would it surprise you to find out that he's not taken seriously enough to subvert anything? Because in the four years of Luke Ford in the business, basically nothing's changed. And he has impacted nothing. When he started out, he pissed a few people off. But then people stopped taking him serious. He hasn't had a good scoop in two years. The only thing he ever scooped was the Marc Wallice thing. That's his one claim to fame. When he dies, they're going to write his obituary and just put two words down - Marc Wallice.

"Luke is really a pathetic human being. He has twelve different diseases that no army of doctors can convince him that he doesn't have. His hovel is a converted garage. He doesn't go anywhere. He doesn't date."

Eric: "He won't go down on chicks."

Jim: "No, he won't. He's got vaginaphobia. Everytime he meets a new girl and there's talk that maybe they will go on a date. I ask them up front if it is going to be a problem that Luke is afraid of her vagina. He ain't gonna get his face anywhere down there. And the girl always at first says no, but upon further investigation, she knows there's a problem. Luke and Linda Lovelace would make a great couple. They're both martyrs."

Eric: "One thing that Linda has in common with the community now is that she is not too big on Luke Ford. She saw you on E! True Hollywood Story. You were talking about her spiral of drug abuse and this that and the other. And what she was like in high school. And you've never met her. And you come across on this show like you've done all this heavy duty research. And I know exactly where you got every quote in your profile on her.”

Luke: "Eric, what role do you think the Mafia plays in the business?"

Eric: "These days? Probably as big a role as they play in waste removal and the garment district and all over the place. I have no interest in the Mob because it's not news that they have their hands in everything. The fact that the Mafia controls magazine distribution is not a secret. Though I think that it is very interesting that guys like Luke and my friend Legs McNeil have a total hardon for the Mafia. It's just another thing that doesn't interest me."

Luke: "Why doesn't it interest you?"

Eric: "Because they're all over the place and everyone knows it. There's no story there."

Jim: "It's just a bunch of businessmen trying to make a living like anyone else. When crime ceases to be organized, we'll have anarchy, and then we're in big trouble. I think that organized crime provides a great service to the world."

Eric: "They dress well. They look really good. And face it, everyone loves the Mob because those guys are cool."

Luke: "I'm an anti-Mafia crusader."

Eric: "Sometimes you just have to lay off because bad things are going to happen to you. And I would hate for that to happen to Luke."

Jim: "Luke delights in getting people into trouble. Luke delights in creating misery in other people's lives. You know why? Because his life is so miserable."

Luke On A Date

Confucy writes Luke:

Who cares what car you drive! Who cares how small your home is! However, your van should be clean. Your home should be clean. No bugs! No McDonald's wrappers on floor of van or home.

If someone has the gall to allow their cellphone to ring during dinner or during movies or anytime when you are on a date, you should grab the phone and throw it into the ocean and leave...never to return. I have been hit twice by people talking on their cellphones while driving. Off with their heads!

Lateness is a cry for attention. Constant lateness is almost as bad as the ringing cellphone. If it happens more than twice, run for the door.

The food thing is really bad. You must develop some manners, Luke. Eating her strawberry was such a crash thing to do. I have a friend who gobbles his food. He not only talks nonstop with food in his mouth, but his voice is so loud that you can hear him across the restaurant. He has to be the one who decides what restaurant will be selected, and he never gives anyone a choice. He eats meat.....lots of it! Unless your date is eating a big bloody primerib, why do you care what she eats? As long as she isn't a drunk, why do you care if she has wine or a cocktail?

How can you be so open on your radio show and so open to criticism from the dumbass webmasters, and then turn around and look down out your date for chewing on meat and sipping an alcoholic beverage?

Does Steven Bartman Need Christ in His Life?

Reverend Peter Luther Christian, OBE, writes:

Dear Luke: I wonder if this unfortunate young man [who interfered with a foul ball that if caught might have helped the Chicago Cubs baseball team into the World Series] might not be Jewish. Certainly his name seems Jewish, and his conduct (listening to headphones while sitting in prime box seats, his chubby demeanor, ruining it for the pagans) suggests something of the Jew. If so, he needs Jesus in his life now more than ever. You know, there is a bit of Steven Bartman in each of us, a little man whom others hate for no good reason. The best way to counter this inchoate, mindless hate is with love, and there is no purer love than the love Christ Jesus has for His children. So whether the pained Mr. Bartman is saved or not, you and your Jewish readers who are not need to accept the love of Jesus in your lives. Or the day will come when you end up where Cubs fans want to sent the unfortunate Mr. Bartman.

Yours in Christian Piety and Love,
Reverend Peter Luther Christian, OBE

Godless Jews Gang Up On Kindly Christian Gent Gregg Esterbrook Over His Jewish Hollywood Comment

Hollywood screenwriter Roger Simon, an atheistic Jew and supporter of homosexual marriage, writes:

If the Jew Harvey Weinstein... or any other film executive of any race... were to have turned down Tarantino's next film, the chances are they would have been either ridiculed or fired. He or she also would have been accused of censoring a supposedly great artist. And this is not, Earth-to-Easterbrook, restricted to venal Hollywood. It's the same in the entire film world from Bollywood to Cine Citta. And guess what--some of those exploiters of violence are not Jewish.

So what does that make you? As the Academy Award-nominated screenwriter of a movie about the Holocaust, Mr. Easterbrook, I think I have earned the right to say this: You're an asshole.

Nikki Finke writes:

Speaking as a veteran journalist covering the business and politics of Hollywood, I am APPALLED by Easterbrook's attack on Eisner and Weinstein as "Jewish executives [who] worship money above all else, by promoting for profit the adulation of violence." Decry the gore of "Kill Bill," fine. Slam the people behind the film, fine. But blame it on the Jews, or even imply that Jewish executives in the entertainment business deserve more blame for greediness than their gentile colleagues, when they all greenlight violent films? Disgusting. Easterbrook has a right to his opinion, but it seems to be a sickening anti-Semitic opinion, and I'm ashamed for him. [Full Disclosure: I'm Jewish.]

Luke Ford posts:

Gregg Easterbrook simply points out the obvious. Hollywood is dominated by left-of-center secular non-Jewish Jews who consistently drag down this country with their filth. Jewish Jews (those who observe the Torah) despise Tarantino and most of what Hollywood (TV, movies, music) produces. Good on Gregg for having the courage to point this out.

Writing movies about the Holocaust does not qualify one as an expert on this matter. Knowing the sacred texts of the Jewish tradition and observing them does. Gregg knows the Jewish Bible far better than secular Hollywood Jews like Roger Simon do. That's why he stands up for Biblical values and points the finger for blame where it belongs - godless Hollywood Jews like Michael Eisner and company.

About two thirds of movie and TV producers are Jewish. Ergo, what they make reflects on Jews. This is a shame for many reasons but it is a fact. Unfortunately, the Jews of Hollywood are not representative of Jews or the Jewish tradition or Judaism. The Jews of Hollywood tend to the perverse and God-fearing Jews like me suffer for it.

Gregg did not need to distinguish between secular and religious Jews in Hollywood because 99% of Jews in Hollywood are not religious Jews. It's like distinguishing between the secular and the religious news media. Most everyone in the news media is secular. When was the last time you met someone in the news media who believed in the pro-life abortion is murder position?

Film critic Henry Sheehan writes:

Leaving aside whatever I might think of Quentin Tarantino's films as a critic, I have to say I'm far more shocked by Gregg Easterbrook's and Luke Ford's comments than anything I've ever seen in those films.

I can barely believe my eyes: "..left-of-center, secular non-Jewish Jews who consistently drag down this country with their filth"!!!???

"Jewish executives who worship money above all else"!!!???

With all respect Mr. Ford (and I'm sincere), when times turn bad, it's not you but your worst enemies who tend to define membership in your religious or ethnic community. Although I'm certain they'd be glad to borrow portions of your rhetoric when drawing up those definitions.

As for Easterbrook, there is no question that he is stigmatizing the entire Jewish community. He uses broad, indiscriminate, and unambiguous terms.

And full disclosure: I'm not Jewish. But under these circumstances, if there's an honorary auxiliary, I'd be glad to join it (as long as there aren't too many meetings).

David Poland writes:

Just a word of welcome to Henry Sheehan to the tribe. You'll be getting the sign-up kit and a big raise shortly.

Luke will be sending you his orthodox Judaism kit, which includes both tefilin and a ----- magazine that will teach you how to use them for bondage... techinques that Luke's rabbi doesn't approve of... but Luke's working on that. Luke might also be inquiring about any blonde family members under 25.

Also, you might want to avoid chatting with Luke about the religious right in Israel that has a great deal of Palestinian and Israeli blood on their hands. He may try to take you for a ride in his van.

Pass Thru writes: "If you think Luke Ford is great here, just head over to his home page where he claims date rape isn't rape at all! It's a big day for you, isn't it Mr. Ford? Might as well get it all out there for the world to see."

Chaim Amalek writes:

God chose the Jews to be the MasterRace of mankind. However, He soon realized that this had cruel consequences for the less intelligent goyim of creation, so to protect them from the depredations of the Jews while still providing free will to one and all, he gave the Jews the Torah (both written and oral) by which they might be fenced in. Rest assured that those Jews who today live on the Torah Corral (like Chaim Amalek) are no threat to the gentle gentiles of the world. It is the secular liberal Jew, with his notions of Marxism, tolerance of the sodomite and the transgendered, creator both of socialism and feminism, who is the mortal enemy of the gentile world. I say this in the hope that when you goyim awake from your deep moral stupor (an increasingly unlikely event) and begin dealing with the Jew problem in your midst, you will leave me alone. I hope this clears everything up.

The day will soon be upon us when cowardly head-in-the-sand, Oscar-worshipping Hollywood Jews will have to account for their inaction in the face of this form of barbarism.

Zathras writes Roger Simon:

I agreed with every word of Easterbrook's piece, and most especially with his depressed view of Hollywood as a cesspool of moral depravity. It's a view Simon doesn't seem to quarrel with, or maybe he recognizes the depravity but thinks it is a good thing. What he does object to is the suggestion that two powerful Hollywood executives have any obligations to dissociate themselves from one aspect of Hollywood's depravity -- the work of a filmmaker unusually devoted to extravagant depictions of pointless violence. As I understand it, this is because the filmmaker in question is highly regarded in the movie business, and commercially successful as well. You'd have to be an idiot to distance yourself from that, over a silly thing like religion!

As it happens this suggestion of Easterbrook's is not one I have a strong opinion on. I'm not Jewish. I don't care what the moral obligations of Jews are. I do have strong opinions about anti-Semitism. One of them is that if you want people to care about the real thing, it's not a good idea to start screaming "anti-Semitism" in response to articles like Easterbrook's. It ought to be possible to suck up to Michael Eisner and Harvey Weinstein without bringing so serious an accusation into it.

Kate writes:

Easterbrook has no idea how movies are made. No idea at all. A Tarantino movie is a money-maker. A studio that releases a money-maker can then use the profits to finance The Pianist, which is a guaranteed money-loser. Worthy, but a money loser. Jew, Catholic, Hindu, Methodist--that's how movie execs. think. Spike Lee, when he was hot, got an anti-Semetic film released, because he was hot--and the studio figured they'd make money. Why do people write about things they don't know?

Akiva from Karabal, Mesopotamia, writes Luke: "Good piece on Gregg Easterbrook. I have read about the Holocaust, so I know what I am talking about. In fact, that will be my newest pickup line - "I have read about the Holocaust, so I think you should let me have sex with you.'"

Cathy Seipp's Jewish Heart Doesn't Break For Striking Grocery Store Employees

Cathy Seipp writes on her blog:

If the issue were unsafe or exploitive working conditions I wouldn't cross the picket line. But since the issue is they don't want to pay $5 per week towards their health insurance -- and I have to pay over $3300 per year -- I'm sorry, but my heart fails to bleed for these strikers.

My family's Canadian, so no, their health care system doesn't sound all that good to me...as I know the limited choices and long waits they have. But as it happens, my Dad spent a week in a Canadian hospital for pneumonia many yrs ago where attractive nurses gave him rubdowns three times a day and served him tea in bone china cups...all for $5 per day, which was extraordinarily cheap even then. A happy memory for him, I'm sure, but not a realistic situation for us, now, in America. And although I don't LIKE spending over $3k per yr for health insurance, it's not a bad deal, all things considered. Most people spend more on their monthly car notes and car insurance and don't complain as much about that.

Luke says: I'd cross the Ralphs picket line but I haven't done it yet. I don't feel like I need more confrontation in my life.

Can A Non-Jew Do A Mitzvah?

At the Farmer's Market parking lot off Fairfax in Los Angeles, journalist Nancy Rommelman encountered " a Hasidic boy standing in the bed of a pick-up, waving what looked like a palm frond at me: "Are you Jewish?" Can someone explain what he wanted me to do?"

Luke says: Nancy, he didn't want you to do anything if you were not Jewish. The Hasidic boy wanted to help a Jew do a mitzvah (divine obligation) - waving the lulav and etrog in a succah.

Nancy writes: Can a non-Jew do a mitzvah? I like doing nice/helpful things for others.

Luke says: A mitzvah means a divine obligation. It does not mean "good deed." Yes, non-Jews can do mitvahs. Judaism holds all of humanity accountable to seven basic laws: Do not deny God publicly, do not worship idols, do not murder, do not steal or kidnap, do not be cruel to animals, do not engage in gross sexual immorality such as adultery, incest or homosexuality, set up courts of law.

But I don't think it would be appropriate for a non-Jew to shake a lulav, unless she was really hot looking and single and in my succah. Then she can shake anything she wants says Rabbi Luke.

Where The Girls Are

I'm thinking of taking an improv class at the University of Judaism in November because so far everyone who has signed up for the class has been female. The earnest and wholesome Brian Fox is the teacher. Tuesdays 7-9PM, Nov 4-25, $60, 310-476-9777, ext. 473.